#1
Let's get right into it.... I guess you'd call this a "battle rap".

You can't step to me, this flow is too hot// Make your face drop like a Dwayne Wade jump shot// You in shock// Like you got shot// Oh you forgot??// This **** is automatic like robots// Make you rethink your gameplan like a paradigm shift// Your **** is cheap, it's thrift// You won't even respond, be like "I plead the fifth"// Cause your rhymes is self-incriminating// Meanwhile my **** is burning, it's incinerating// I'm untouchable, can't be covered nigga, call me Chad Johnson// We can do this but you must have a deathwish, like Charles Bronson// You fear these verses I toted// Where's the hunger for more?// You don't got it, you bloated//

I don't know man, I'm really blitzed right now, writing this off the top of my head, but I figured hey, I have one more submission this week, so I'll just write out some one-liners. I am kind of pissed that I wasted a line as good as "Make your face drop like a Dwayne Wade jump shot".
Comin' straight out of Compton, with a loose cannon. Smoke big green, call it Bruce Banner.

"Hey son, how many girls called you today? Zero? Oh and how about yesterday? Uh... Zero? Well son, you know what they say. Zero plus zero equals FAG."
#2
dude...............that sucked....plain and simple
That is not what i was trying to say!

A recent study shows that 92% of all teenagers have moved on to rap music. Put this in your profile if you are one of the 8% who stayed with the real music
#4
sorry man, I'm not feeling it. I'm not a big fan of rap, but i'm not going to hold that against you. It just seems somewhat lacking... but then again, it is a battle rap. It's supposed to used a lot of comparisons and stuff, which you did do. As for the dwayne wade thing, I like the title.. and I know my brother would love it just for that.
#5
D'ah ****, I forgot to post the bit about people who hate rap not commenting on how they hate rap. I don't care, I don't want a critique on my rap from somone who not only doesn't know anything about the genre but hates it. This is directed at the first two replies. a-user-name, I know it's pretty weak, I have other stuff on the board that has gotten a lot more positive response, and this was sort of off-the-cuff but I appreciate at least giving some constructive feedback.
Comin' straight out of Compton, with a loose cannon. Smoke big green, call it Bruce Banner.

"Hey son, how many girls called you today? Zero? Oh and how about yesterday? Uh... Zero? Well son, you know what they say. Zero plus zero equals FAG."
#6
Alright, I'll be honest: I hate rap. But, I also hate that damn emo music, too, so it's all dandy...

But, hey, it's something new to critique.

"You can't step to me, this flow is too hot"
Alright, I wouldn't wind up to start off. If anything, keep a quick series of beats to start off with (think dactylic), trying to get an immediate impression that's comparable to the blitzkrieg - you're just going to roll this chump over from the get-go. Instead, this line sounds too much like a gentleman purposefully aiming not to hit in a duel - you're not aiming for the heart, you're trying to build up the next line, which, in a game of insults, is only effective if your wallop really a KO. (Also, to follow that little boxing metaphor - you might try this tactic at the end, because it'll give the audience the feeling, if the rest of your rhymes are poignant, that you're really going to bury him, hence expectation'll build, and pulling the trigger on that last one will really blow them away.)

"This **** is automatic like robots"
I'm not buying into this simile. It sounds too much like you're just fishing for the rhyme. Besides as much, I'd aim your "automatic" machine to be something either wondrously impressive or dangerous - otherwise, you're wasting the simile by only connecting on the singular verification of, "yes, it is automatic".

"Make you rethink your gameplan like a paradigm shift"
"rethink your gameplan" just clutters it up. Besides as much, the usual conceit of an insult (the wide-set metaphor or simile), especially in rap, gives the piece the real flavor, whereas this simile is very dry and doesn't really sting. Again, it's a bit like the "robot" - it only verifies your previous statement, instead of compounding injury in the insult.

"be like 'I plead the fifth'"
Awkward phrasing. Reconsider. A bit cliche, too - but, with proper revision, you could add additional judicial zingers and flavor, and it might save it.

"We can do this but you must have a deathwish, like Charles Bronson"
I've heard this one used multiple times... and the phrasing, again, is a bit awkward. Maybe cut it down (you'd have a something comparable to recitativo [sp] if you'd give yourself a beat or so lee-way - maybe making delivery properly a bit more theatric) to "we can do this if you have a deathwish".

"You fear these verses I toted// Where's the hunger for more?// You don't got it, you bloated"

Arg. Forced rhymes causing forced syntax. Revise and tighten up that ending, it's rather weak so far as complexity of insult, complexity of delivery, and injurious imagery.

Consider playing out one or two of the similes a bit longer, as it'll allow you to combine the aspects of the original insult with a connected string of insults that appear, once delivered, like this great behemoth of "daaaaamn" (think Swift's "A Moderate Proposal" and how well he really hammers on the baby-eating to mock the English). Furthermore, smooth it out and add a greater variety of beats. More of those quick punches might be worth it (dactyls and anapests are really impressive beat combinations, whether you're rapping or you're Vergil), just to combine speed and quality insult.
#8
^
Don't be a dumbass.

The black community has been on the cutting-edge of modern poetry and prose. While I had qualms with the length, Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man is amongst the greatest novels written in the 20th century and - in my opinion - amongst the greatest American novels. It speaks with the intelligence of Dostoevsky and the power of Poe. The Harlem Renaissance puts most poets of the same time to shame. Pull your white-hooded head out of your retrograde ass and be respectable.
#9
Quote by HelpImARock
D'ah ****, I forgot to post the bit about people who hate rap not commenting on how they hate rap. I don't care, I don't want a critique on my rap from somone who not only doesn't know anything about the genre but hates it. This is directed at the first two replies. a-user-name, I know it's pretty weak, I have other stuff on the board that has gotten a lot more positive response, and this was sort of off-the-cuff but I appreciate at least giving some constructive feedback.


I'm sorry for coming off without an actual critique. But I HAVE to admit that I hate rap. But I'm sure that it is a rap battle. And you were right I don't only hate the genre, I don't know anything about it. If I knew anything about this particular genre I would have gave you a more constructive critique.
#10
Its alright, as a battle rap, it would work, and for freestyling its not bad, better than what I could come up off the top of my head. I think you've critiqued my raps, so i'm not gonna bug you, but if you haven't... there's links in my sig.
#11
Quote by paraboetheo
^
Don't be a dumbass.

The black community has been on the cutting-edge of modern poetry and prose. While I had qualms with the length, Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man is amongst the greatest novels written in the 20th century and - in my opinion - amongst the greatest American novels. It speaks with the intelligence of Dostoevsky and the power of Poe. The Harlem Renaissance puts most poets of the same time to shame. Pull your white-hooded head out of your retrograde ass and be respectable.


I can say what I want without to having explain my opinion. I simply said I didn't like it, as did you, I just expressed myself in a different way.

Go **** a goat.


EDIT:
The black community has been on the cutting-edge of modern poetry and prose? Just what do you consider to be "modern"? Besides lack of intelligence and respect.
Last edited by DUP3R at Jul 22, 2006,
#12
i don't know what everyones problem is
it wasn't THAT bad
being from cincinnati, i liked the part about chad johnson
#13
Are you kidding? Rap is the worst thing to music? Wow. Have you no sense of rhythym and poetry? Rap utilizes some of the most IMPORTANT aspects of music.

jeez man

I personally liked it
#2 fanboy of Conor Oberst pm frd_mrshall to join
#14
Quote by HelpImARock

You can't step to me, this flow is too hot// Make your face drop like a Dwayne Wade jump shot// You in shock// Like you got shot// Oh you forgot??// This **** is automatic like robots// Make you rethink your gameplan like a paradigm shift// Your **** is cheap, it's thrift// You won't even respond, be like "I plead the fifth"// Cause your rhymes is self-incriminating// Meanwhile my **** is burning, it's incinerating// I'm untouchable, can't be covered nigga, call me Chad Johnson// We can do this but you must have a deathwish, like Charles Bronson// You fear these verses I toted// Where's the hunger for more?// You don't got it, you bloated//


Are you ready?//
Step up to you? There are not that many stairs//This may just be a challenge for those vertically impaired//All I read in front of me are these recycled rhymes//I hoped for something new, something not "1999"//But of course hoping for new **** is an unattainable dream//Something even Martin Luther King couldn't tie into his scheme//You want to make my face drop like Dwayne Wade hitting jump shots?//Son, this is my court, you're about to watch the ball drop//While you'd be shooting field goals I'll be shooting 3's//You're flow is hot? Man its never been so cold, please//Your shit is automatic?//I forgive you for being charismatic//But you better check your schematic because your victory plan is whack//You might as well just draw up a new one, but don't make it abstract//Because the way you tie in rhymes just leaves concepts unrefined//While my lyrics make the impact that you've wanted the whole time//You're right about one thing though, we've all been pleading//Pleading for you to stop writing your raps, because by the fifth line//I would want to incriminate you for a lyrical murder, led by my judicial proceeding//My gameplan is like Mario's//Stomping you out//Like the fire I started when I entered this lyrical bout//But hey, thanks for playing this game//It seems you're out of lives//Because I'm the final stage boss and you just can't survive//So you'd better start inputing your cheat codes and keep close your lucky clover//Cause it'd take a miracle to beat me, realize it son, game over.//
Can You Fill In The Blanks?
#15
Quote by DUP3R
I can say what I want without to having explain my opinion. I simply said I didn't like it, as did you, I just expressed myself in a different way.

Go **** a goat.


EDIT:
The black community has been on the cutting-edge of modern poetry and prose? Just what do you consider to be "modern"? Besides lack of intelligence and respect.


First of all, you do have to explain yourself - it's in the forum rules, dumbass. Besides as much, a lack of explanation reveals that you're not only unprepared for debate, but you're also immature in the development of intellectual empathy, hence immature in the development of a well-balanced psychology.
Second of all, you're not expressing a valid opinion to the situation at hand, you're expressing your personal hatred for author, merely because his skin is a different color than "white". Now, if you had actually talked about the writing, and not the author himself (and his race), it might have had some sliver of validity, yet certainly lacking the veracity that is non-existent in either scenario.
To continue, third of all, even had you criticized the style, it wouldn't have been a valid criticism for this space. Again, read the forum rules. (Oh, sorry: dumbass.)
Fourth of all, your insult both lacks wit, humor, expressiveness, and sound, sans the plosive sounds in "fuck". Yeah - you're even a dumbass when it comes to insulting someone. Time for a new day-job.
Fifth of all, the general consensus as to the time frame of "modern" literature is twentieth century, hence the writings of T.S. Eliot are considered to be amongst the earlier of "modern" poetry.
Sixth of all, it's clear that you don't crack books open at any rate that a well-informed, literate man ought to read, as black writers are responsible for producing some of the most memorable novels, short stories, and poems written by Americans. Ever heard of Maya Angelou? Toni Morrison? (Apparently, you've never heard of Ralph Ellison, so I'm doubting that you'd be even mildly savvy.) (Here you go: http://www.csustan.edu/english/reuben/pal/chap9/CHAP9.HTML)
Seventh of all, to say that the black voice in literature and music is characterized by "lack of intelligence and respect" is an indictment of modern literature and music. I see that you like Slayer - that's nice, because, had it not been for black musicians and the jazz movement, which you'd know much more about if you'd read the likes of Langston Hughes, heavy metal never would have come about.
Eighth of all, whilst I personally do not think that the vast majority of rap equates to quality music, there is no doubt that it is the artist's execution of the style, not the style itself, that is at heart of the matter. Hence, the style, which was pioneered in black poetry, is, in actuality, a beautiful expression of rhyme and a superior understanding of metrics in application as opposed to the rest of modern poetry, which is more focused upon experimenting with free verse, tone, and thematic statements.

So, I'll kindly reiterate: stop being an jackass. No one gives a Hindenburg-esque shit, both in replication of explosion and size, about your opinion unless you're actually ready to discuss and debate like a human being ought to.
#16
Quote by xArCaDiAx
Are you ready?//
Step up to you? There are not that many stairs//This may just be a challenge for those vertically impaired//All I read in front of me are these recycled rhymes//I hoped for something new, something not "1999"//But of course hoping for new **** is an unattainable dream//Something even Martin Luther King couldn't tie into his scheme//You want to make my face drop like Dwayne Wade hitting jump shots?//Son, this is my court, you're about to watch the ball drop//While you'd be shooting field goals I'll be shooting 3's//You're flow is hot? Man its never been so cold, please//Your shit is automatic?//I forgive you for being charismatic//But you better check your schematic because your victory plan is whack//You might as well just draw up a new one, but don't make it abstract//Because the way you tie in rhymes just leaves concepts unrefined//While my lyrics make the impact that you've wanted the whole time//You're right about one thing though, we've all been pleading//Pleading for you to stop writing your raps, because by the fifth line//I would want to incriminate you for a lyrical murder, led by my judicial proceeding//My gameplan is like Mario's//Stomping you out//Like the fire I started when I entered this lyrical bout//But hey, thanks for playing this game//It seems you're out of lives//Because I'm the final stage boss and you just can't survive//So you'd better start inputing your cheat codes and keep close your lucky clover//Cause it'd take a miracle to beat me, realize it son, game over.//


Wow is all i have to say. And for all of you saying you dont like rap...i hate rap and that was some fire. nice work and to sum it all...game, set, match! good work
#17
Quote by paraboetheo
First of all, you do have to explain yourself - it's in the forum rules, dumbass. Besides as much, a lack of explanation reveals that you're not only unprepared for debate, but you're also immature in the development of intellectual empathy, hence immature in the development of a well-balanced psychology.
Second of all, you're not expressing a valid opinion to the situation at hand, you're expressing your personal hatred for author, merely because his skin is a different color than "white". Now, if you had actually talked about the writing, and not the author himself (and his race), it might have had some sliver of validity, yet certainly lacking the veracity that is non-existent in either scenario.
To continue, third of all, even had you criticized the style, it wouldn't have been a valid criticism for this space. Again, read the forum rules. (Oh, sorry: dumbass.)
Fourth of all, your insult both lacks wit, humor, expressiveness, and sound, sans the plosive sounds in "fuck". Yeah - you're even a dumbass when it comes to insulting someone. Time for a new day-job.
Fifth of all, the general consensus as to the time frame of "modern" literature is twentieth century, hence the writings of T.S. Eliot are considered to be amongst the earlier of "modern" poetry.
Sixth of all, it's clear that you don't crack books open at any rate that a well-informed, literate man ought to read, as black writers are responsible for producing some of the most memorable novels, short stories, and poems written by Americans. Ever heard of Maya Angelou? Toni Morrison? (Apparently, you've never heard of Ralph Ellison, so I'm doubting that you'd be even mildly savvy.) (Here you go: http://www.csustan.edu/english/reuben/pal/chap9/CHAP9.HTML)
Seventh of all, to say that the black voice in literature and music is characterized by "lack of intelligence and respect" is an indictment of modern literature and music. I see that you like Slayer - that's nice, because, had it not been for black musicians and the jazz movement, which you'd know much more about if you'd read the likes of Langston Hughes, heavy metal never would have come about.
Eighth of all, whilst I personally do not think that the vast majority of rap equates to quality music, there is no doubt that it is the artist's execution of the style, not the style itself, that is at heart of the matter. Hence, the style, which was pioneered in black poetry, is, in actuality, a beautiful expression of rhyme and a superior understanding of metrics in application as opposed to the rest of modern poetry, which is more focused upon experimenting with free verse, tone, and thematic statements.

So, I'll kindly reiterate: stop being an jackass. No one gives a Hindenburg-esque shit, both in replication of explosion and size, about your opinion unless you're actually ready to discuss and debate like a human being ought to.



I don't feel like reading all of that roflawl.

jallas edit: then dont ****ing post roflawl. warned.
#18
Quote by xArCaDiAx
Are you ready?//
Step up to you? There are not that many stairs//This may just be a challenge for those vertically impaired//All I read in front of me are these recycled rhymes//I hoped for something new, something not "1999"//But of course hoping for new **** is an unattainable dream//Something even Martin Luther King couldn't tie into his scheme//You want to make my face drop like Dwayne Wade hitting jump shots?//Son, this is my court, you're about to watch the ball drop//While you'd be shooting field goals I'll be shooting 3's//You're flow is hot? Man its never been so cold, please//Your shit is automatic?//I forgive you for being charismatic//But you better check your schematic because your victory plan is whack//You might as well just draw up a new one, but don't make it abstract//Because the way you tie in rhymes just leaves concepts unrefined//While my lyrics make the impact that you've wanted the whole time//You're right about one thing though, we've all been pleading//Pleading for you to stop writing your raps, because by the fifth line//I would want to incriminate you for a lyrical murder, led by my judicial proceeding//My gameplan is like Mario's//Stomping you out//Like the fire I started when I entered this lyrical bout//But hey, thanks for playing this game//It seems you're out of lives//Because I'm the final stage boss and you just can't survive//So you'd better start inputing your cheat codes and keep close your lucky clover//Cause it'd take a miracle to beat me, realize it son, game over.//


Jesus... you go to sleep, wake up and your in the midst of rap battle?

Did you get it twisted kid? Don't step to this// I'm spittin great balls of fire like Jerry Lee Lewis// Like a trained lion, your **** is just tame// Need a ****in' memory card to try and save your game// I can do this all day// Your flow's dead, try to find the killer like O.J.// Just look above// I'm standin' tall, smilin' with the other bloody glove// You ain't sayin ****, but you talkin' real loud// Face it, your white and soft, like a cumulus cloud// That wasn't rap, that was noise pollution// Like 9/11, it was mass confusion// convolution// Here's a solution// Put the barrel in your mouth, close your eyes, count to ten// I'll pull the trigger, does that mean we're best friends?// Screaming **** EM ALL! Like Tupac// rhymes got you in anaphylactic shock// Alright everyone, time to clear out// That's the end of the bout// ring the bell, this **** is over, first round knockout//

...Sigh. I don't even know why I wrote this, xArcadiax seems to be immensely popular on S&L board anyways, so obviously I'll lose.
Comin' straight out of Compton, with a loose cannon. Smoke big green, call it Bruce Banner.

"Hey son, how many girls called you today? Zero? Oh and how about yesterday? Uh... Zero? Well son, you know what they say. Zero plus zero equals FAG."
#20
Technically I guess, except my first post wasn't really directed at anyone, oh well.
Comin' straight out of Compton, with a loose cannon. Smoke big green, call it Bruce Banner.

"Hey son, how many girls called you today? Zero? Oh and how about yesterday? Uh... Zero? Well son, you know what they say. Zero plus zero equals FAG."
#21
Aw damn, I just freestyled a bunch, had I killer rap, thought, "Oh damn, I should post this on the HelpImarock's Battle Rap thread, came home, and forgot it. Damn, too bad, its was really aggressive.
#22
Quote by honkey
Are you kidding? Rap is the worst thing to music? Wow. Have you no sense of rhythym and poetry? Rap utilizes some of the most IMPORTANT aspects of music.

jeez man

I personally liked it

only lyrical, (rhyming and rhythme or however u spell it....) but music is about range of tones too, rap has none of that no chord changes or anything,
#23
Quote by N@TE!
only lyrical, (rhyming and rhythme or however u spell it....) but music is about range of tones too, rap has none of that no chord changes or anything,

Music
1. The art of arranging sounds in time so as to produce a continuous, unified, and evocative composition, as through melody, harmony, rhythm, and timbre.
2. Vocal or instrumental sounds possessing a degree of melody, harmony, or rhythm.
#24
#25
Quote by N@TE!
lol fine getting all technical... to me, its not music, but thats cuz i dont like it. sOORry

Then by your definition, niether is emo or most metal.
Alright, here's my lame-ass battle rap:
---------------

My name is Daniel White
That's my name, get it right
My rhymes are so, so tight
So why you come to fight me
Your stupidity reminds me
Of that cracka' fatso Yngwie
Cause you've unleashed the focking fury
If I were you I'd worry
Cause my rhymes with knock you down
Down, down, down to the ground
Knock you down and throw you around
And when the police find you
Chalk lines, they will surround you
But you came to fuck with Daniel Miles
Look at my face, you'll see all smiles
Cause you don't scare me, little bratt
And people feel my grooves for miles
So shut your motherfucking mouth
I'll fry and eat your like a fucking trout
Cause I'll fuck you right the hell up
And when my rap gets to you
You'll be swimmin' in guts, blood and muck.
-------------------

I know, itsnot great, but its also my first attempt at anything aggressive aimed at someone. Not that this was aimed at anyone, but I just wanted to put it out there.
#26
My name is Daniel White
That's my name, get it right
My rhymes are so, so tight
So why you come to fight me
Your stupidity reminds me
Of that cracka' fatso Yngwie
Cause you've unleashed the focking fury
If I were you I'd worry
Cause my rhymes with knock you down
Down, down, down to the ground
Knock you down and throw you around
And when the police find you
Chalk lines, they will surround you
But you came to **** with Daniel Miles
Look at my face, you'll see all smiles
Cause you don't scare me, little bratt
And people feel my grooves for miles
So shut your mother****ing mouth
I'll fry and eat your like a ****ing trout
Cause I'll **** you right the hell up
And when my rap gets to you
You'll be swimmin' in guts, blood and muck.


Yo, **** your name, here's your number, 28// As in the 28th nigga I've chewed and spit out today// I'm goin' all the way, like I'm drunk and teenaged// You put in work for almost nothing, like you minimum waged// I get's real paid// I'm talking bonafide green// So I can kill you on film and go watch it in widescreen// Stone you like a beatnik// What the **** is Yngwie?// English, motha****a, do you speak it?!// Like a hot LP, we just leak it// Drop by drop, til you gotta have it and you seek it// Your rhymes is nothing but lies and hot air// Only time you seen chalk lines is hopscotch and four-square// I got your life in my hands, you really think I care?// Fry me like a trout? I'll can you like crawfish// It ain't hard to be a killer, even Lucy is Lawless// But you knew from the minute you saw this// You was like "aw, ****"// Cause when I step on the mic that's as good as it gets// Like 24 karats// I know this hurts, but you got to grin and bear it// Look at your rhymes// You repeat yourself like 15 times// I don't pack lunches, nigga I pack chrome// By the look of your lines I'd say you got down, down, down syndrome// So make like E.T and go phone home// Be like "Mommy, come pick me up, I just got owned."//

....Yeah....
Comin' straight out of Compton, with a loose cannon. Smoke big green, call it Bruce Banner.

"Hey son, how many girls called you today? Zero? Oh and how about yesterday? Uh... Zero? Well son, you know what they say. Zero plus zero equals FAG."