#1
made some revisions though I don't usually once I've completed a piece. I think it's just because this one is so damned long. don't worry about the flow too much, I'll work on spacing and form later. thankssss guys


you look at me with as much concern and focus as you can muster this far from sober.
I watch your constrained gestures pop and fizzle (firecrackers vying for my attention). this conversation, you've determined, is going to be important-

but my eyes dart and you're trying to hit a moving target.

your offer must be getting tired having stood in the corner for a year and a quarter, undisturbed as I never bothered, patient or anxious? however you have waited you've kept secret, understanding your best interest is to keep your intentions at least half hidden. an understatement

and how did you interpret the hand picked mixed messages I sent? with a magnifying glass, bat-blind left eye squinted or, by now, a passing glance at a surface that may be a pattern but isn't?

pretend pretentious and playing dumb in competition, I watch your expressions
like a commercial on television. the persistence of my indifference is my weakness, not none of your business. when earlier tonight I flipped a coin to decide if we should have sex. heads was yes and so it would have went had I not been beaten to it;

I saw you
rock the car
raft in rapids
leave me stranded

it's your milk white
body in the moonlight
that I can't describe
since it hurt my eyes

I'm not surprised – but in disbelief. I thought these things only happened in movies and what would you call this thing, a romantic comedy? you've got to be kidding. how do you expect me to take you seriously?


your first instinct was to lie and when you realized the pilots were all on strike- it wasn't going to fly, your apology came cheap and repetitiously like paying for something pricey in all pennies, some of it monopoly money. I’m not so sure you can afford to keep paying for things you break in the store

It's questionable, that credibility of yours, when, driving you and your dumb-drunk friends back to your house the only sound I could make out was you laughing over my teeth grinding, music blaring, and your words ringing "we'll talk when we get there, won't we? promise me"

but you've got a forgetful mouth, now you point pictures of your family out
while I plot possible escape routes. all I want you to be is unlike me, a lazy lush and lucky- our sinful similarities- to fill your capabilities. if I'd be so blunt...I'd be sorry and not...laughing but seriously, neither of us can tell if I'm kidding.

and while your words go to waste trying to persuade me to stay and I can't help but wonder if you, despite everything, remember saying that you could never love me

and for the first time I'm angry without knowing why
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#3
why thank you
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#5
That would be magnificent if it was a metal/rock/part punk? and done quick, or at least have it seem energetic. Not necessarily in a "happy go lucky" way, but almost manic. If that makes sense...
#7
yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking when I wrote this. Slipknot.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#9
Quote by less than that
yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking when I wrote this. Slipknot.


LOL.


It's different now.

But I still love it.

I'm not sure if I love it more, or the same.

Definately not less.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#10

you look at me with as much concern and focus as you can muster this far from sober.
I watch your constrained gestures pop and fizzle (firecrackers vying for my attention). this conversation, you've determined, is going to be important-

Great opening here. I really like the direct setting of what's happening. Nice little bit of slight juxtaposition too, with the "far from sober" and "this conversation is going to be important". Good work here.

but my eyes dart and you're trying to hit a moving target.

your offer must be getting tired having stood in the corner for a year and a quarter, undisturbed as I never bothered, patient or anxious? however you have waited you've kept secret, understanding your best interest is to keep your intentions at least half hidden. an understatement

the bit "undisturbed as I never bothered, patient or anxious?" is a little awkwardly written IMO. I like what you're saying, but the last bit with the questioning tone would be better were it a little more 'standing out'. Something like... "undisturbed as I never bothered, was I patient or anxious?" I don't really know, but the way it stands is jsut a little weird to read IMO.
The next bit of this stanza works very very nicely. Nothnig to crit.

and how did you interpret the hand picked mixed messages I sent? with a magnifying glass, bat-blind left eye squinted or, by now, a passing glance at a surface that may be a pattern but isn't?

I feel this is leading more into the deeper messages and thoughts overlying such a piece, I didn't read the original of this before you revised so as of yet I don't know what is going to happen or whatever. Very interesting wording you use here. Thw only thing I'm not so keen on is the very end bit, the abruptness with which you say "but isn't". The way it's written makes you absolutely definite that it isn't, whereas personally I think it'd be better were you to conjugate a lovely ambigious meaning here. Something like "that may or may not be a pattern". It's of course up to you, but I just think like, you're kind of stating exactly what the reader must think when you say "but isn't". I dunno. Lol.

pretend pretentious and playing dumb in competition, I watch your expressions
like a commercial on television. the persistence of my indifference is my weakness, not none of your business. when earlier tonight I flipped a coin to decide if we should have sex. heads was yes and so it would have went had I not been beaten to it;

IMO, I would swap the first 2 words around and make it "pretentious pretending", this present participle then also connects with the next of "playing dumb" which sounds good. Nothing else to crit here, this stanza is quite lovely.

I saw you
rock the car
raft in rapids
leave me stranded

it's your milk white
body in the moonlight
that I can't describe
since it hurt my eyes

interesting step into structural poetry here rather than the previous prose. Personally... um, I'm not really keen on it tbh. It seems that more words are needed here rather than this bare minimum IMO. It's a good basis, but just feels like it's lacking something tbh

I'm not surprised ? but in disbelief. I thought these things only happened in movies and what would you call this thing, a romantic comedy? you've got to be kidding. how do you expect me to take you seriously?

Again, I don't like this bit. The style has dramatically changed I feel, and this is kind of too narrative as to what's come before.

your first instinct was to lie and when you realized the pilots were all on strike- it wasn't going to fly, your apology came cheap and repetitiously like paying for something pricey in all pennies, some of it monopoly money. I?m not so sure you can afford to keep paying for things you break in the store

Love this. Nothnig to crit.

It's questionable, that credibility of yours, when, driving you and your dumb-drunk friends back to your house the only sound I could make out was you laughing over my teeth grinding, music blaring, and your words ringing "we'll talk when we get there, won't we? promise me"

Ditto.

but you've got a forgetful mouth, now you point pictures of your family out
while I plot possible escape routes. all I want you to be is unlike me, a lazy lush and lucky- our sinful similarities- to fill your capabilities. if I'd be so blunt...I'd be sorry and not...laughing but seriously, neither of us can tell if I'm kidding.

I liked the first and alst sentences here, but not the middle one. This stanza seems a bit dragging. I like it, but I don't really get anything from it.

and while your words go to waste trying to persuade me to stay and I can't help but wonder if you, despite everything, remember saying that you could never love me

and for the first time I'm angry without knowing why

Lovely ending here. Sums up nicely.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#11
Sounds hip-hoppish. Or I've been listening to too much Cannibal Ox.

Nice as usual. No complaints, just compliments.
-Landon
#12
wow jallas, thanks a lot for taking the time on that one.

actually the patient or anxious question is supposed to be attributed to the other person, maybe I didn't make that clear enough?

oh..right...the reader, I kind of forgot about that. when I was writing this I was really only thinking of what she would think when she read it and representing myself and the situation as accurately as possible. I felt I needed a concrete here because of how ambiguous I naturually am with her.

step into more structural poetry: pretty much what this piece is based around. left vague because it's about her having sex in the backseat of a car and I really didn't feel like blatantly calling her a slut in a poem again after "so that's a right off of seperatist"

I agree about the stanza right after that

and then about the second to last one too but it holds pertinent information so it'll have to stay.

thankkkkk you


hip hop?
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#13
Terrific! It was so captivating. The way you used such regular and arbitrary things in a new and expansive way (the teeth bit, for instance) was great. The underlying bitterness that didn't come through as whining or unrequisited rage was beautiful. It was so good because you could tell the character wanted to be angry and was fed up but was so lost within himself and the situation that he/she didn't really know what to do or even what was happening. It was long but rewarding.

Though, if it's a poem, it's marvelous, but if it's a song I can't really hear the music, you know? I mean, it may be fine (cause I know that free verse can work just fine and produce more effective results), so that's really just a side thing.

Hey, could you review mine? I'd really appreciate it.
Lonely Souls' Lane
Last edited by Ezra_Zimmerman at Jul 25, 2006,
#15
it's called Gillian.

and yeah, I'll totally check out your piece, that was one of the best replies to a post I've gotten in quite some time. you nailed it left and right. also I probably won't put it to music.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in