#1
The title i have given this song is likely to change, as i just made that up for posting purposes. The chorus part for this song is intended for two singers, which i tried to make clear. CRIT 4 CRIT, you know what to do

(Verse 1)
My voice is gettin? tired from shoutin? at you all day
But it doesn?t help that things turned out this way
I hope that this isn?t going to repeat itself
My mind is going numb; I think I need some help

(Verse 2)
My fists are shaking right in front of your face
I can see that you want to get out of this place
But you can?t see what you are doing to me
Please leave me now, and set me free

(Chorus)
But you won?t: Just get away from me
No, you won?t: I gonna count to three
And you don?t: Leave my sanity
But you don?t: You?re breaking me!
You're Breaking Me! x3

(Verse 3)
Our voices are gettin? tired from shoutin? at each other all day
But it doesn?t help that things turned out this way
Once again this all seems to repeat itself
We crawl back together; I think I need some help

(Final Chorus)
But you won?t: Just get away from me
No, you won?t: I gonna count to three
And you don?t: Leave my sanity
But you don?t: You?re breaking me!

Can you hear my inner child, hear it scream?
You?re killing it, you?re killing me
All of this is coming down to our greed
You?re taking too much, more than you need

But you won?t: Just get away from me
No, you won?t: I gonna count to three
And you don?t: Leave my sanity
But you don?t: You?re breaking me!
You're Breaking Me! x3
"If you want beef, then bring the ruckus." - Marilyn Monroe
Last edited by USCENDONE BENE at Jul 22, 2006,
#4
I like it. Very emotional song. I can imagine it being sung by that band that made "The Kill". Good job.
#5
not bad... I'm not big on the first two lines. I do like the similarities between verses 1 and 3 though. The chorus is a little above decent IMO, but I like that you have two singers on it.. so that bumps the song up a little bit to me. I think it could sound good (especially the chrous) with the right music behind it... what're you thinking for muisc anyways? Well, keep up the writing.
#6
The Abyssal Whip Around My Chest Its good... the Chorus was good... and the similarities was great!!

"Can you hear my inner child, hear it scream?
You?re killing it, you?re killing me
All of this is coming down to our greed
You?re taking too much, more than you need"

I thought that was the best part of teh song... it flowed and showd meaning

crit plz
The Abyssal Whip Around My Chest
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Last edited by RenagadeFaction at Jul 27, 2006,
#7
Hey, thanks for the comments, and to answer your question, the genre is a sort of fast, yet simple rockin' song, maybe slightly pop-punk, i dunno lol

Later
"If you want beef, then bring the ruckus." - Marilyn Monroe