#1
i wrote this song in like 10 minutes so it still needs to be edited, i really dont like the end of the second verse but please crit.....i do crit for crit....


"Welcome To This Death Rattle"



1st verse

I question the fight for freedom
mass weopons and wars
deviant politicians,
the filthy w.hores

Chorus
nobody wins an endless battle,
welcome to this death rattle
listen to the machine guns call
watch as the innocent men fall
welcome to this death rattle

2nd verse

A message left subliminal
The words kept to a minimal
We're driving this war machine
And now we're going to fall
if the enemy followed the rules
there would be far less blood pools

(Chorus)

3rd verse

this war is suicide
no where to run,
no where to hide,
no place to confide
these battles i fight ahead
through the terror and bloodshed
i cannot ****ing give in
i will not commit to this sin
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#3
thanks alot....yeh the second verse is deffinatley my downfall...
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#4
Is this song gonna be metal or what

Also i dont think it would have a good flow all the verses are different lengths
#5
this is a metal song, and it does need some editing...
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#6
i like it. with a some cool riffs this is gonna kick some ass. editing is needed, but i would get to worked up over it.

i have one that kinda reminds me of this, called: OBEY...do you think you could take a look at that?
#7
i checked out that song and i liked it...and yeh, im gunan get some sweet riffs over this baby....
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#8
What an awesomely powerful song!!I like the message and I like the lyrics, a good job all round. I've been thinking about that awkward line... maybe try 'The words kept minimal' OR 'They keep the words minimal' OR 'Their empty words are pitiful' Not very good suggestions but the best I could come up with!
#9
thanks alot, i might try some of those suggestions...
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#10
um, what exactly is wrong with the 2nd verse? i actually liked it, yeah other parts of the song are stronger but its still good. but whatever. ... .... yeah great song, its strong like it good job

hey mitch, scene 2 is up, check it out? (The Other Side...)
#11
i checked out scene 2 and i love it.....thanks for the crit though...
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#13
Meh, i started a full crit, but i can sum it up quicker...

METAL

okay, this would be a god like song as a metal song with killer riffs, but lyric wise, it didnt do much for me. They were really very shallow and the only way i could see this being good is with a metallica/slayer esque song.


Sorry for this crap crit, but can you check out mine? it the first link in my sig.
thx
#14
no problem. yeh, the lyrics are shallow, but with some killer slayer like riffs behind them, im sure the song will kickass
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#15
dude you guys are all so gay...all you "i hate the government and listne to hawthorne hieghts and cry allll day long in my room and pretend my parents dont get along and my girlfriend just dumped me cause i have a small penis"...yeah so you guys are so gay...**** you
#16
yeh ok, you bitch....i dont even like hawthorne heights, ur one to ****ing say **** about music and crying....atreyu?...senses fail?....ummm so a few words......go **** yourself.......i dont sit and listen to hawthorne heights and cry because my girlfriend dumped me.....i sit in my room turn on my amp play some of the heaveist metal around....and when im not jamming away on my eletric, i do like to play my acoustic....and when im listening to music.....its usually pantera, slayer, lamb of god, etc......so **** off you peice of **** chicken ****er
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#17
slayer riffs on this would be cool
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#18
i will critique the lyrics within themselves. i mean anybody can say "if you put heavy kickass metal riffs to them, it'll be great!" that's not really the point of this board

i hope i don't sound too harsh, but as to the lyrics, they are rather simple and trite. in all honesty it sounds just like all the other anti-war/i-hate-the-government type of songs. the use of poetic devices (metaphor, simile, assonance, etc) would help your writing tremendously. don't worry so much about rhyming. don't force you rhymes, and don't use the commonplace tears/fears kind of rhymes. and as stated above the "minimal" line doesn't make sense. it's better to have a song that doesn't rhyme than a song that doesn't make sense.

you should just try to find a different, more creative way to express your thoughts. it would be much more likely to stick in the minds of the listener if it's different than the last ten songs they just listened to.

keep writing.
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