#1
sry about reposting this, I just hated the title and had to change it, i dont think it caused any harm. Wrote this on the Amalfi coast (kinda next to Capri and more specifically on Pompeii) so ya, this is my first thing posted here, as I just joined up, I hope I'm not a complete songwriting noob as I feel like I'm alright, not as good as some people here though (I'm pleasently suprised to see some awesome writers on UG, though some think their hot ****, like that Trigfunction guy)... bah, enough of me comparing and introductionizing, here it tis, crit for crit as I see thats the custom.

Off-bright Coals and Moonlit Fright

Fractured hearts are
Stashed in her birch-bark basket,
Kept cold by the silver souls
Whisking her to the beach,
Into the calmness of burning night of
Off-bright coals and moonlit fright.

But her makeshift lips only smile
As she twirls around so pretty, and
Bids you watch the falling flare,
The burning rifts of fractured light.

Oh, what a beautiful October night!

Flown away towards setting sun
With curtsied skirt come undone
Around her seared-black anklets,
The burning stone
Leads her sunflower braids in a waltz,
As her hanging finger waves
Back to the home of spinning ash, back
To the dead and bloodied skyline.

But her makeshift lips only smile
As she twirls around so pretty, and
Bids you watch the falling flare,
The burning rifts of fractured light.

Oh, what a beautiful October night!

Now she comes to the last creaking board
Of dock,
Stops with dimpled cheeks,
Smiles with happy eyes,
Laughs in the early ides,
And gives a little whirl of rapture
Before plunging into the arms of
Her lover,
Her partner,
Her fate;
And gives a little whirl of rapture
Before plunging to the sea.

Oh, lips are never as permanent as they seem
in sunlit moonlight,
Or in the illusion of the darkest bright October night.

Last edited by lawloganza at Jul 23, 2006,
#3
really smooth style.
in the beginning there`s a kind of magical atmosphere...
loved it though i don`t like october^^
#4
I honestly cant remember what I was going for with the October thang as I hate october as well maybe something about the harvest moon? damn, I wrote this thing yesterday and I already forget some of the allusions... that doesnt mean this doesnt have meaning, in fact it has a very personal message thats fairly evident...

Anyway, thank you both fairly ego boosting. However, I dont think this is that great, theres gotta be something to pick apart, how about the transitions? I'm always bad at those...
#5
no complaints here
some of the better writing i've seen on this site so far
beautifully written - definately a poem rather than song
#6
its a little "love-songy" for my taste but it probably isnt bad. its just not really my thing.
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#7
love songy? uh... really? if your talking about the symbiotic love of man and nature then yes, I understand, but, uh, love songy? can you please explain? aside from the conclusion stanza their isnt really that much thats lovey-dovey, unless you want to take it that way, bu ya, can you explain?
#8
i agree with those guys, i dont really see this as a song. but this makes a great poem, u know.

the only comment i could give is this:
As she twirls around so pretty, and
And gives a little twirl of rapture


i think you should change the "twirl" in your last stanza coz it's getting too repetitive since u used "twirl" twice already in some stanzas before.

thanks for reading my piece. sorry if this is not really helpful, i don't have much to crit.

good luck dude.
#10
this is great lol, really man. i find the repeated line 'oh what a beautiful october night' a bit too dramatic, plus it reminds me of that oldie song 'oh what a night' but the rest of the piece is aceeee.
#11
k, so Im kinda going on vacation for awhile for about 2 weeks, love the website though and Ill hopefully see you when I get back!

and much <3 to all of you for the comments!

edit: this is NOT a song, just for future reference.
#13
Obviously not a songindeed

Off-bright Coals and Moonlit Fright
Now i dunno what the title was before but this is a very good one.
Fractured hearts are
Stashed in her birch-bark basket,
Kept cold by the silver souls I didn't like this line just because of the "kept cold" bit, although silver souls was nice.
Whisking her to the beach,
Into the calmness of burning night of
Off-bright coals and moonlit fright.
Nice opening on a whole.
But her makeshift lips only smile
As she twirls around so pretty, and Didn't like the twirling around so pretty part. I thought it detracted from the stanza.
Bids you watch the falling flare,
The burning rifts of fractured light.
The rest of the stanza has good imagery.
Oh, what a beautiful October night!
Lose the exclamation mark! Not good in poetry.
Flown away towards setting sun This could be seen as cliche by some but not me, i know you made comments about this sort of thing in my piece so i was suprised to see this but i thought it was fine; you can't have every line with complex metaphors. Nice variation.
With curtsied skirt come undone
Around her seared-black anklets,
The burning stone
Leads her sunflower braids in a waltz,
As her hanging finger waves
Back to the home of spinning ash, back
To the dead and bloodied skyline.
Too much use of her in this stanza, i would suggest different wording to mix it up a bit.
But her makeshift lips only smile
As she twirls around so pretty, and
Bids you watch the falling flare,
The burning rifts of fractured light.

Oh, what a beautiful October night!

Now she comes to the last creaking board
Of dock, Just plain and blunt, might be a typo actually, is it meant to be "Of the dock"? Well if it's not, it's just awful and it ruins the flow completely which was otherwise not too bad.
Stops with dimpled cheeks,
Smiles with happy eyes, Very cliched. There's no denying that.
Laughs in the early ides,
And gives a little whirl of rapture
Before plunging into the arms of
Her lover,
Her partner,
Her fate;
And gives a little whirl of rapture
Before plunging to the sea.
Very patchy this stanza; it had some good lines and some very dodgy parts.
Oh, lips are never as permanent as they seem Permanent lips? Well mine don't move....
in sunlit moonlight, Oxymoron, not bad at all.
Or in the illusion of the darkest bright October night.
Well done, except the last line.


A good piece and i did feel it., although i thought you wrote it quite similarly to i wrote mine... As a whole the piece has a great feel to it and i made a good effort to capture the meaning; which i did.

My advice would be to you is that when you critique, find the meaning and feel to the piece first and then look at the technicallities. This gives you a much different view on it and the parts you might have thought to be bad, have not been so.
Other than that, good writing.
#14
Alrighty, I certainly owe you this one:

"Stashed in her birch-bark basket,
Kept cold by the silver souls"
Over-use of alliteration. Moderation is the key - otherwise, it comes off like you're either using alliteration as you main method of establishing flow (which, it's only a device, so it shouldn't be), or that you, the poet, is having fun playing around with the language (albeit - have fun, but over-using alliteration is comparable to having Cicero give speeches at a high school debate competition).

"Whisking her to the beach,
Into the calmness of burning night of"
Preposition madness! If you're going to use "to/into", which isn't bad, the repetition of "of", then, just throws the flow off and sounds awkward.

"so pretty, and"
Two things: 1) "so pretty" doesn't fit the voice. The phrase comes off as something much less descriptive and detailed than the rest of the speaker's account would have me know. 2) Understanding that every man/woman has his/her style, I'm still going to say that "and", for the sake of aesthetics, probably belongs to the next line. It just treats the human eye better - appeasement, I know.

"Flown away towards setting sun
With curtsied skirt come undone"
An article here would make it less awkward. The voice is, actually, fairly modern, so this sort of psuedo-archaic syntax just ends up feeling like an anachronism.

"Of dock,"
I'm assuming there's an article missing as a typo.
I'd almost say this would make more sense to attach it to the end of the previous line, just in order to give it that alexandrine sense of lengthening (especially in comparison to the relatively low-syllable lines). I think, with have "dock" being the last word, the eye will immediately put emphasis on "dock", while you'll gain the advantage of poetically drawing out time - building the tension.

"And gives a little whirl of rapture
Before plunging to the sea."
Now, I liked the repetition of the phrase, but the "before..." line simply doesn't have the diction to really impact me as much as it should. What is appreciated here is the simplicity - the romantic build-up contrasted by the obviousness of this line. However, the diction is just so expected, it really takes away from the impression delivered. Primarily, I blame "plunging". It just doesn't do anything in comparison to the tone of the piece - it's, in a way, vulgar and seems counter-intuitive to the rest of the diction in a way that isn't shocking, but simply uncharacteristic.

"Oh, lips are never as permanent as they seem
in sunlit moonlight,
Or in the illusion of the darkest bright October night."
I'd either put this before the last stanza, or omit it. To end with falling into the sea is certainly an ending of a thought, and this last bit feels more like an afterthought pieced together by repeated phrases. Ultimately, the imagery feels, at best, patched together, if not simply borrowed from the rest of the piece.

"Oh, what a beautiful October night!"
Well, you knew I'd have to comment on this, no?
It works. It adds something. It's a little bit expected in its function, but that isn't necessarily detrimental to the piece. My major source of displeasure with it, however, is that "beautiful" is repeated - I wanted more description, if not to reveal more of the scene then to keep up with the descriptive voice of the rest of the piece.

Overall, I'm seeing some conflicts with the voice you've established and a couple rogue lines - watch your diction, syntax, and image choice. There's a good grasp of imagery, tone, and mood - my suggestion is to keep at it and continue tweaking those images with words that add related, yet distinctive qualities, not to rehaul the image itself.
Flow - well, it flows well. Maybe one or two more examples of consonance or assonance and breaking up that introductory ambush of alliteration, and you should be pretty well on the road to focusing on the more important issues.

Edit: Oh, and I'm not too bothered by the cliches. If you really feel the need to change them, so be it, but I found that the voice actually supported the quasi-cliche images.