#1
?Guttural.?

That?s it.
The best way to begin:
A word that sounds just like its meaning.

?Stuttering?


I could write about a war.
Blood drenched soldiers guttering, spluttering,
Half caked in a mass of death?s sodden rot.

?Disgusting?

Men crawling through dirt, shot to rags.
I?ll carve a motive in the mud, hand gripping a corpse?s wrist.
Cancerous lungs and a constant thud. Thud.

?War?

What is it good for?
Absolutely nothing, (or so I?ve read).
Watch me. I?ll rage against the world, with a pen.

?Angst?

Poeticism is such a noble, beautiful thing.
Peppering my work with metaphors, images,
Like machine guns, dully spluttering somewhere.

And I?m the only one who cares.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#4
Quote by Guitartim
a little too poetic

?!?!? ....as the guy said... its a poem!

i liked it
WILL!!
#5
I may not agree with you on all war being meaningless but the poem was...poetic.lol it was good.
#6
Thanks. But it's not anti war.
It's again me being ironic. It's about those who use war/politics etc as subjects for songs and poems (and some are on this forum) just because others have, they don't know the facts, it's just an angsty outlet.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#7
Quote by broken_bottles
Poeticism is such a noble, beautiful thing.
Peppering my work with metaphors, images,
Like machine guns, dully spluttering


Brillaint stanza, loved the "peppering" and "spluttering" in there, nicely done.

Once more I'm pleased I've read one of your works. Very nice, tidy piece here, congrats.
#8
Ta Jammy.
I'll have a look at one of yours.
I won't, however, look at anyones if they write 'great....crit mine?'

ta.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#9
I love it!
my only crit is where you reused spluttering at the end, it didnt fit right i think
#10
i love your poems dogger. not a line i don't like in this one.
I've seen emo-er.


Member of the "I am a Fan of Gaycore Wrestle-Metal" Fanclub.
#11
Yes, but you see, it is a poem.


No its not. What makes it a poem, the rhyme scheme, nope, the constant use of rythm, nope, and the poetic methods are few.
Sorry it isnt a poem.
We'll be washed and buried one day my friend
And the time we were given will be left for the world
The flesh that lived and loved will be eaten by plague
So let the memories be good for those who stay
#12
To Malakian=God

Does a poem need a rhyme scheme to be called a poem ? No.

Does a poem need a constant use of rhythm? No

Does it have to make use of poetic techiniques? No

It's a poem
#14
To Malakian=God

Does a poem need a rhyme scheme to be called a poem ? No.

Does a poem need a constant use of rhythm? No

Does it have to make use of poetic techiniques? No

It's a poem



Then what makes a poem a poem?
We'll be washed and buried one day my friend
And the time we were given will be left for the world
The flesh that lived and loved will be eaten by plague
So let the memories be good for those who stay
#15
Quote by Malakian=God
Then what makes a poem a poem?


The author desides. A poem can be a poem without rhythm, rhyme, etc. All it needs is words. There are words here. The author has called it a poem. Ergo, it is a poem. If you don't think it's a poem, what would you call it then?

As for this poem...poempoempoem...this is, I have to say, pretty damn good. I've never seen anything like this, in structure that is.

Watch me. I?ll rage against the world, with a pen.

Great line. By far and away the best in this poem.

Could you have a look at mine in the sig? Thanks.
#16
I do recall Malakian=God writing a piece just like the ones this piece mocks. Hmmm.
Anyway, thanks to all, will get back to pieces as soon as.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#18
Quote by Malakian=God
No its not. What makes it a poem, the rhyme scheme, nope, the constant use of rythm, nope, and the poetic methods are few.
Sorry it isnt a poem.


you sir, are ignorant. anything can be a poem you twit. a song IS a poem. whatever the author classifies the piece as is what it is. you invalid.
"These are the words you wish you wrote down. This is the way you wish your voice sounds; Handsome and smart. My toungue's the only muscle on my body that works harder than my heart"
#19
Thanks. Lets not dwell on what it is...perhaps just look at it as a piece?
"You can never quarantine the past."
#21
Great work dude. Nothing really needs to be improved.

Crit one of the songs in my sig please?
Quote by Keef-is-king
Seinfeld: The Video Game

It'd be a game about nothing. But it would be fantastic, better than the Sims by far because there would be more jews.
#23
Ta very much, much appreciated. Will have a peek at songs in due course.

Has anybody got anything negative to say apart from "I don't think it's a poem"?
"You can never quarantine the past."
#24
I will say that this poem falls flat around the War stanza, the allusion was really tiresome. The last stanza was good, but I would have prefered if a word so similar to Sputtering wasn't used, might I suggest staggering. Other than that I really like it especiallty the stuttering stanza as well as the disgusting stanza, although I don't like the choice of "Disgusting" for some reason maybe just Disgust?

I would love a crit if you will? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=402045
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#25
Enjoyable poem. But maybe next time you could write about those who use other people's songs/poems etc as subjects for songs and poems. After all, that too is just an angsty outlet. It makes for an infinite regress of dull, angsty outlets. You've certainly succeeded in being ironic when a poem mocking people's poetry is more celebrated than said poetry. The onomatopoeia seems to me to be forced/overworked. I'm assuming you weren't being ironic by using that, too.

Sorry I can't be more positive about this piece. It was reasonably well-written but seems inescapably superfluous to me. Heh, I'll understand if you feel the need to lash out at the poem in my sig

Cheers, Ro
ρ
#26
I know I repeated 'stuttering' twice, and didn't intend to.

Scouser, you make a valid point, but that is just the point of the piece. It's irony on many levels, so, in effect, your criticism is what I was doing anyway, pretty much. Even the onomatopoeia was supposed to be overworked to an extent; I've written this poem knowingly as a poet, who, natuarally, has his shortcomings as a writer. The irony is, of course, that this poet doesn't realise how hypocritical he is being when he mocks this genre, hence the last line: "And I'm the only one who cares" - it works on more than one level.

Alex
"You can never quarantine the past."