#1
Well yeah that's the title for now. My friend and I were fooling around and he told me to write a song about the pool being cold. So this is all I could come up with. It's not done, it's just a start. Thought I'd share for the heck of it.

Awakening to see the jet black sky
Realizing where I am, so now I sigh
Stumbling, as I try to stand
I see them there, so I take their hand

I feel them inside
The demonds rise
Guiding me into the deep
I realize I'm in no sleep

The black pool being so cold
My soul has now been sold
Mind escaping body
Mind escaping life

No reason to fear
I'll always be near
It's meant to be
Someday you'll see

The black pool being so cold
My soul has now ben sold
Mind escaping body
Mind escaping life

Stay inside
Stay alive
Don't look back
You're under attack

Stay inside
Stay alive
I've reached the end
Never to mend
Last edited by loudmurder at Jul 25, 2006,
#4
Keep up. This is a kind of unsettling poem. It is really good. Hurry up so we can see the rest.

Please crit mine it is "Embracing Loneliness"
#8
Okay I'm pretty tired, but I somehow managed to finish it. Doesn't mean it's going to stay like this, but it's how it is first copy.

Awakening to see the jet black sky
Realizing where I am, so now I sigh
Stumbling, as I try to stand
I see them there, so I take their hand

I feel them inside
The demonds rise
Guiding me into the deep
I realize I'm in no sleep

The black pool being so cold
My soul has now been sold
Mind escaping body
Mind escaping life

No reason to fear
I'll always be near
It's meant to be
Someday you'll see

The black pool being so cold
My soul has now ben sold
Mind escaping body
Mind escaping life

Stay inside
Stay alive
Don't look back
You'll be under attack

Stay inside
Stay alive
I've reached the end
Never to mend
#9
"Don't look back / You'll be under attack" is the only thing I would change. I'd make it "Don't look back / You're under attack". It just seems to flow better to me.

Then again, it's your song and I'm no John Lennon.
#10
Don't triple post (use the edit button in the bottom right corner of your post) and Read the rules.You are only allowed to have 1 song each day. You can have up to 2 songs each week. delete this thread, or your other one...
#14
Just going to point out this was posted yesterday, July 22 "Yesterday 07:09 PM"

And my other thread was posted Today, July 23 Today "12:21 AM"

So technically, the rules were followed. There's my 2 songs a week! =D
#15
:/ ...

This Song "Cold Black Pool" was originally posted Today, 06:09 PM

And your song "Confusion" was originally posted Today, 11:21 PM

I understand you might have a time zone difference... so, I guess it's fine.
#17
This is a cool, dark poem you got here. I rerally enjoyed reading it. Keep up the good work and finish it soon so we can read the rest. BTW, thanks for the crit.
#19
have you recognized the lines get shorter during the whole thing? dont know if it was your intention but i as the reader got the feeling that the end is near (sounds strange but its the truth^^)
liked it too
#21
Thats pretty good to me. It's pretty dark like everyone else said but, that's not a bad thing. Keep it up.
#22
Awakening to see the jet black sky
Realizing where I am, so now I sigh
Stumbling, as I try to stand
I see them there, so I take their hand

the 1st two lines, the rhyming is extremely forced and unoriginal, and in your attempt to keep this whole poem rhyming you lose any flow you originally started with. jet black is also a very cliche description and could be replaced with something far more creative, and still manage to keep the dark tone to this.

I feel them inside
The demonds rise
Guiding me into the deep
I realize I'm in no sleep

demoNS? maybe? okay anyways, the rhyme you use inthe last two lines is completely overdone and "i realize im in no sleep", is worded akwardly and the rhyme again is quite bland.

The black pool being so cold
My soul has now been sold
Mind escaping body
Mind escaping life

black pool, is very boring imagery and cold is and even more bland description. im not saying use a thesauras, but if this is as far as your vocabulary stretches you may need to. the last two lines are decent at best, probably the highlight of this poem.

No reason to fear
I'll always be near
It's meant to be
Someday you'll see

the rhyme here once again, rhyming one syllable words is always going to be incredibly boring and mundane. try maybe not using exact rhyme every time and maybe use some slant rhyme, it definitely will help the creativity and give you more room for change and other ideas.

The black pool being so cold
My soul has now ben sold
Mind escaping body
Mind escaping life

Stay inside
Stay alive
Don't look back
You're under attack

same thing here as i said throughout this whole piece

Stay inside
Stay alive
I've reached the end
Never to mend

the rhyme here at the end, honestly is just terrible. "ive reached the end, never to mend" that is just incredibly boring and worded very akwardly. as i told you before if you are going to rhyme, dont always use one syllable words, they just create a very redundant mood and is very boring for the reader to sit through and finish. i know you will say i was harsh but i was more constructive than i was harsh.
#24
oh well you should cause what i said applies to the other pieces ive read by you too and you could use the advice.