#1
Whew...that was the longest 7 days of my life. Anyhoo, this new song is yet confronting one of this worlds many issues. It is talking how porn (yes it can be bad) and movies ext. are destroying humanities ability to have relationships. Yet many people know this but they continue to do it and they're "Embracing Loneliness" see. Crit for Crit every body, shove me out of UG if my writing deserves it. Oh btw it is more of a driving acoustic song.

Here it is.

Verse 1. Crying for a feeling deep inside
Feeling lonely, without a place to hide
Becoming numb from a pain within
All that once was good has withered and died

Chorus: Because we're breathing...
We're holding...
We're embracing loneliness
Has this sin gotten hold of us
We're making...
We're taking...
We're embracing loneliness

Verse 2. We've Looking something, something to hold
Not a love, thats produced and sold
Yet we mess up and fall again
and ignore all that we've been told

Chorus

Bridge: We've been buying our demise from a shelf
Destroying a love that once was bold
and we've got no one to blame but ourselves
We're breathing...
I'm breathing...
Yah, we're breathing

Chorus: 2x

That's it everybody. I probably felt more stronger about this song so expect it to be my best yet.
#2
Oh the second verse should start out with, We're looking for something, something to hold.
#4
It's a good start for sure. What style did you make it to be? Punk, rock, metal, ? I like how it's not straightforeward, as n@te! said. I don't prefer lyrics to be straightforeward. I like to leave some blank spots, keep it mysterious
#7
I like the chorus, its in an interesting format you don't see enough of. It's a really powerful song too "buying our demise from a shelf" is awesome.

It's kinda a counter to my "Okay" but who cares, its rock and roll.
#8
I like it, I especially liked the chorus;
Chorus: Because we're breathing...
We're holding...
We're embracing loneliness
Has this sin gotten hold of us
We're making...
We're taking...
We're embracing loneliness

It describes a point in my life when I was sort of obbssesed with pornography and didn't want a realtionship, just sex, sex, and more sex, but maybe cause I was 13, or around that. It meant a lot, and I think a hard rock acoustic setting would work very well.
#9
lol I think every guy goes through that stage Masta lol. thanx
#10
you have balls my friend, its a topic most people would leave untouched, to them it is irrelevent because it doesnt involve a personal story which includes self pity. excellent job and i hope to see more from you soon
#11
this is a good song... This isn't an issue that's addressed very often, (the only time that it comes to mind is SOAD's "violent pornography".. that's quite a silly song), so i give you major props for that. I thought it was quite well written, the chorus was excellent I think. Keep writing, especially if it's like this.
#13
Quote by a-user-name
the only time that it comes to mind is SOAD's "violent pornography".. that's quite a silly song.

That's a song about sensationalism, whichis also a good subject.
#14
Thanks for the crit on my song. I really enjoyed reading this. The language and flow were both excellent. I really liked the topic as well.
#15
Quote by dakmac
Here it is.
You don't say
Verse 1. Crying for a feeling deep inside
Feeling lonely, without a place to hide
Becoming numb from a pain within
All that once was good has withered and died
Ok... this wasn't too bad, nice flow and all. However this was very cliched, horribly in fact. Think of a more obscure way to get your point across; use imagery and metaphors that may seem irrelevant but actually can be used to relate to what you are trying to say.
Chorus: Because we're breathing...
We're holding...
We're embracing loneliness
Has this sin gotten hold of us
We're making...
We're taking...
We're embracing loneliness
Good.

Verse 2. We've Looking something, something to hold
Not a love, thats produced and sold
Yet we mess up and fall again
and ignore all that we've been told
Same as first stanza
Chorus

Bridge: We've been buying our demise from a shelf
Destroying a love that once was bold
and we've got no one to blame but ourselves
We're breathing...
I'm breathing...
Yah, we're breathing
Hmmm. Not too bad, maybe look to reword.
Chorus: 2x

That's it everybody. I probably felt more stronger about this song so expect it to be my best yet.


This wasn't bad but you definitely can improve on it.

Mine's in the sig if you lease. Thanks and good luck.
#16
Quote by loudmurder
Horray for acoustic!

I agree!!

I love the lyrics and the meaning and all that, tis a great song but I guess could be developed a bit more, it sorta seems a bit unfinished to me. But I still love it
#18
the only thing i can find wrong with it is the last line of the 1st verse

All that once was good has withered and died
i dont like the way it changes the FEEL of the verse....but other than that...great concept...

and good work...


crit for crit?
crit my rhymes?:

Lets Get Drunk and Fuck.

Subtle Arrogance

Do you realize, that i can clearly see your clitoris through your jeans?

Quote by Shaepwnsyou
They're very religious, so they have butt sex to save their virginity.
#19
well everyones said everything about this . so all i have to say is i like it . good job nothing that i see needs anywork . nice man
#20
Thanx eveybody. Everybodys opinion matters to me good or bad. so thanx
#21
I like it. With some great acoustic, with a lot of crazyness in the guitar work, it was would mega-awesome, like a great big......OMEGATRON!
Run, Run Farmer. Screaming! Bloody Murder
The daughters of question have been murdered!
Murdered! Murdered!
#22
i really like this one and this was an interesting
choice of topic but it came out real good......
wish i could say more but what can i say
that hasent been said?
#23
Thats song has great potential to be a great hit. Although i agree that the second verse should start different but other than that it was awsome
#24
I like it a lot... I like the Chorus and the bridge... I think the verses could be better... change it around about... use less cliche and more of a metaphorical way of saying it...

crit for crit
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=400999
Quote by jakeylee111
You do realise only Ug's horny male teens will come in here, right?
Which is why i came in here....

Founder of the Fullmetal Alchemest RulesClub Place in sig to join
Quote by AdayTripper
No porn, no fap fap.
#25
Sorry but i didn't really like it. The rhyming, for me personally, was just too annoying.
The chorus was good though.
I agree with what caz_guitar_dude said about using imagery and metaphors, they will make your writting so much more interesting to read. Try experimenting with some.
#26
Ok. Thanx. Constructive critisizm is great. I always want my songs to have a little rhyme scheme because it helps keep rythm and makes it easier to put easier but i'll definatly work on the metaphore thing