#1
Alright, this is a song that I've been working on and off on it for a while.. it's a concept song, it has a couple meanings.. I'd like to hear what you think it means. It's not really that serious of a piece, but I intended for it to be able to come across that way. Tell me what you think, and I'll crit something of yours when I get to it.


I keep on going towards the sun
that just sits there on the horizon
I'm here alone wondering why
it seems like you want me to die
Sent to where nobody's around
Things'd be better if I drowned

You shined on me from above,
an enemy i never knew of
I'll keep on drifting each day
you wouldn't notice anyways

why do you have to act this way
ignoring everything I say
i thought you were good for me
do you take pleasure in misery?
long days and endless nights
consumed now by my frights

You shined on me from above,
an enemy i never knew of
I'll keep on drifting each day
you wouldn't notice anyways


You shined on me from above,
an enemy i never knew of
I'll keep on drifting each day
you wouldn't notice anyways
Last edited by a-user-name at Jul 27, 2006,
#3
Its really good, well written and thought out. Can't really put my finger on what its about. ANGER DEFINATELY, but anyways good job
#5
Thanks for the crit on my song. Let me take a guess. This song is about a girlfriend betraying you. Nice song, though. Keep it up.
#6
Nice song good ryhmes sounds like a screwed up consience but im in a strange mood
#7
marsvolta... somewhat close, the song deals with betrayal, although it's not that of a gf/bf thing or anything like that... grundy, that's an interesting take, i never thought about it like that... anyways, thanks for the crits guys.. keep em comin if you feel like commenting. I really appreciate any opinion or crit you guys will give me.
Last edited by a-user-name at Jul 24, 2006,
#8
for some reason it reminds me of adams song...the way the words flow....its a great idea...but i think in some parts the rhyming gets a bit repetitive...other than that...great work
crit my rhymes?:

Lets Get Drunk and Fuck.

Subtle Arrogance

Do you realize, that i can clearly see your clitoris through your jeans?

Quote by Shaepwnsyou
They're very religious, so they have butt sex to save their virginity.
#9
^ thank's a lot... adam's song... it seems like I get that a lot, kinda weird since I'm not really familiar with it.... as far as the rhyming goes, I figured I'd go with a more consistant rhyme scheme on this one, since I don't usually have one, but thanks for your opinion. By the way, what do you guys think about the title... new one or old one?
#10
really well done song... I like how well it flows. I think the first title was better, "Unknown enemy" I really it
#11
wow this was really good......k
for some reason i get the feeling
that u lost faith or hope in something.........?
in the chorus i think it would flow better
if it goes ....ill keep drifting off each day.......
it just feels better on my tongue
well thats not much but its something!
#12
thanks... the drifting part, I plan on putting in a filler word there, I just didn't bother putting it in the lyrics.. I'm glad to see that people are taking a lot of different interpretations of it. ^ I did also want it to come out like the speaker had lost all hope, so you're right on that. Thanks for the crit's guys.
#15
It's about the betrayal of god, i'm pretty bloody sure about that.

Anyway, this was pretty good; like someone else pointed out, it was well thought out. You showed intent to use deep imagery and metaphorical terms, however i really didn't think you pulled them off well enough and they just turned out a bit cliche. This isn't a problem, it's just something to improve on and will come in time especially when on this forum 'cos it really helps, trust me on that.

So in summary, a nice concept piece on the topic of god's betrayal but improvements to be made; no worries.

Could you have a look at my latest please? It's in the sig. Cheers.
#16
Quote by a-user-name



I keep on going towards the sun
that just sits there on the horizon
I'm here alone wondering why
it seems like you want me to die
Sent to where nobody's around
Things'd be better if I drowned

well i can see the rhyme scheme is apparent. So far I like it though. Sent to where nobody's around is just there for the scheme though.

You shined on me from above,
an enemy i never knew of
I'll keep on drifting each day
you wouldn't notice anyways

why do you have to act this way
ignoring everything I say
i thought you were good for me
do you take pleasure in misery?
long days and endless nights
consumed now by my frights

the -ay sound got really tirsome here. I also dislike the word frights. I'm thinking you are saying God is you enemy as if trying to keep you down

You shined on me from above,
an enemy i never knew of
I'll keep on drifting each day
you wouldn't notice anyways

Ohh didn't realize this was teh chorus, I really like it as a chorus should be "you wouldn't notice ME anyways" to make it folw better and be climatic


You shined on me from above,
an enemy i never knew of
I'll keep on drifting each day
you wouldn't notice anyways


Overall not a bad piece
crit me please if you have time https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=402045
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#18
ok, you asked what we thought it means? it means exactlly what happened to me with this one girl (i said a more amature, and more hardcore versoin of what you just said in my song "Break up" if you want to check that out)
i couldnt find anything wrong with this peice, its awsome how it is....everything fits and flows, nice word choice, nice set up....just everything...

peace out
UG's HIPPIE