#1
This is one of the first (maybe the first actually) songs I've ever written. I don't know what it would go with for music style. I was really sick when I wrote it, and it was just exactally how I felt, and how I felt as I became better.

The mind is weak,
I'm black and blue,
I need some space,
Do I know you?
The thoughts run wild,
I try to think,
There is no escape,
I do not blink.

Sometimes I feel,
Like I'm not here,
I just see hatred,
Inside the mirror.
Sometimes I feel,
Like I'm not here,
I've left this place,
Fell into fear.

I felt like I've tried,
All that I can,
To get someone,
To understand.
But they dont care,
They never will,
I must stay awake,
I take the pill.

Sometimes I feel,
Like I'm not real,
I just see hatred,
Inside the mirror.
Sometimes I feel,
Like I am not real,
But I have just,
Fell into fear.

My head is spinning,
I can't see straight,
The room closes in,
And now I'm baked.
There's no way out,
I don't touch base,
I try to shout,
I've lost my place.

Sometimes I feel,
Like I'm not real,
I just see hatred,
Inside the mirror.
Sometimes I feel,
Like I am not real,
But I have just,
Fell into fear.

Sometimes I feel,
Like I'm not real.
I just see hatred,
Inside the mirror.
But I have just,
Fell into fear.
#2
I really enjoyed the way this piece flowed. It is kind of sing-songy, but that doesn't bother me. First song is always a bitch to write, but keep going at it. This a good song you wrote, considering you were sick. I can't even think straight when I am. BTW, I think that this would make a good folk song.

Crit mine please?

Feticide
#3
not bad at all. I like the line "hatred, inside the mirror"... very original i think. It flowed well, very easy to read. For being one of the first songs you wrote, it's awesome. I remember the first I wrote (charlie), and it took me forever to get it anywhere near decent... good job.
#4
It's great. I don't think mine was as good as yours. My first was Imperfect if you wanna check it out. Anyways it was good so keep it up
#5
Thanks everyone. I actually don't even remember writing it :S I had a bunch more but my computer screwed up and I lost most of them =( However I have been starting up again recently. That was written in January 2004.
#9
Thanks eh. I think it could go well with that. I've never written songs for guitar or piano, so I really have noooo idea where to start. But I'm sure I could start with a tune to go with the lyrics on my piano.
#11
Thanks luv. I truly don't know how I managed to write it. Rhyme here and there, how it sorta rolls alright... I can't write like that now lol. Everything I write now is creepy. And I'd love to crit your's, on it now!
#12
love the metaphor of it in general and the flow of the song seems like a soad song which can be hard to mimic as well as youve done, ur word choice also makes it more interesting
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