#1
Hi, my name is Matt and I'm new here, so I thought I would share my song with you guys, and see what ya'll think. This is probably about the fifth song I've written, and I really like it (prob my best one yet)

Summer Air

It?s June, school?s out
I?m on vacation
And I just need to get away
Walking along the pier
Waves crashing on the beach
It doesn?t get much better
Than this on a Carolina shore
So?

Take a breath of summer air
And feel the cool breeze
Coming off of the ocean
Take a breath of summer air
And we?ll lay on our backs
Watching the clouds float on by
Take a breath of summer air

There?s a bright July sun
shining down on you and me
Middle of the day,
Watching the baseball game
Fireworks going off
In each others eyes
All we need to do
Is?

Take a breath of summer air
And feel the cool breeze
Coming off of the ocean
Take a breath of summer air
And we?ll lay on our backs
Watching the clouds float on by
Take a breath of summer air

Well it?s August, and I see
Girls wearing bikinis,
Flip flops and tank tops
Trying to get a tan
At the local pool
It just doesn?t compare
To any other season,
So?

Take a breath of summer air
And feel the cool breeze
Coming off of the ocean
Take a breath of summer air
And we?ll lay on our backs
Watching the clouds float on by
Take a breath of summer air

(Summer?s fading fast,
We?ll sit on my front porch
And watch the sun set
September?s almost here, and
School?s gonna start soon
But before we go,

Take a breath of summer air
And feel the cool breeze
Coming off of the ocean
Take a breath of summer air
And we?ll lay on our backs
Watching the clouds float on by
Take a breath of summer air)

Take a breath of summer air
Take a breath of summer air

The part in parentheses is for an extended version of the song. Hope ya'll enjoyed it.

mjb4990
#2
Its good, by the end it gets a little repetitive but in this poem I suppose it is supposed to be. It's really good and makes you relax just reading. Good job. Now I'll take a breath of summer time air.
#4
Thanks for the crits guys. It may be a while before my friend and I to even write the music. Then I have to find someone who can sing (since I sound like crap). So it won't be recorded for a long time. Anyway, this is my all-time fav song of mine (and not just because it's the latest song I wrote). Another one of my friends is really good on the drums, so if it ever gets recorded, I'll ask her to play the drums. Once again thanks for the crits, and hope to hear more feedback.

mjb4990
#5
wow, really good. I especially liked how you added in your home state there. I was just working on my next piece which is a salute to Ohio, so any time I see someone salute their home state it makes it interesting.

Only thing that might need improvement is "school's gonna start soon", it seems kinda out of the rhythm.

And if you want to crit mine, links are in the sig.
#6
Actually, jdreed08, I'm a Maryland native. But most of my summer is spent in North Carolina (where my parents have a second house), hence the reference.

mjb4990
#7
i dont like it as a song, its like "oh yay schools out-breath the air" , but it'd be good as just a poem. yup. here's my beutiful song:

here's a song that you will worship forevar. short, sweet, and to the point.

__________________________________________________ _________________
i'll smite you all
you WILL be smited
into the spikepit you'll fall
by a dog be bited
smite!
you!
smite!
you!

(guitars, bass, drums, that stuff-nenenenenenenenenenene!)

i'm at my cauldron
chanting a cliche-ish spell
(nenenenene!)
you should start to run
before i send you straight to hell
(nenenenene!)

but wait- i like you
you saved me from the bird poo

(short solo-ish bridge-y thing here)

i'll be nice, cuz your nice
here's some free beans n rice
your death'll be quick and painless
and your corpse wont even be much of a mess

smite!
you!
smite!
you!
__________________________________________________ _________________

oh yeah.......

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#8
I know I'm new here, so if I'm flaming, sorry about that. But, how do you think I could make it better as a song? (And the school's out is just a reference to summer). Oh, and I took out the 1st chorus, and put "and" in the last line instead of "so." And, sadist_squirrel (once again sorry if I am flaming) you should try to keep your song in the topic you started.

mjb4990