#1
another song i wrote after talkin to my gf. . . . . i guess it's about the world today but it's open to interpretation. . . crit 4 crit. . . let me know how u see this song, and i appreciate all tips and crits . . .thanks alot


The Gallery

Look around at all this art but
Hidden in these black frames
A devilish picture that shows no light
A foreign tablet that is the soul
The self and soul dark and doubtful
Face to face day and night
Look at the picture and truth wins the fight

(Chorus)

Looking out into the abyss
Gazing past all I miss
The sight of this evil enslavement
It is hidden by the lightning enchantment
Men dieing, women suffering
Children crying, yet angels
Angels remain flying
This portrait shows beginning
The portrait shows middle
This portrait shows end
This portrait is now

The legacy lives on, dies off
Then it comes back strong
Promises give great grand illusion
The magic fails and the promises fall
The painter has created the lives of us all
And still I see . . .

(Chorus)

Abstract ambience movement all around
Within the boundary from the sky to underground
There lies two people together wrapped in warmth
Light coming from their center repelling the dark from earth
With evil all around and still they clench together
Even with a storm still coming they surpass the hellish weather
Together they stand
Together they fall
Painted by my hand
To remind all of all

(Chorus) x2
And My Soul From Out That Shadow That Lies Floating On The Floor, Shall Be Lifted. . . Nevermore.
The Raven -Edgar Allen Poe
(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")
<<<<<<<<IT'S A FREAKIN BUNNY!O.o
#2
i like that you used powerful words, but at times it can be a little overwhelming.
sometimes it seems like there are too many syllables and in the chorus, the 4 "portrait" lines dont seem like they fit in rhythym. i would do this, "the portrait shows beginning, it shows middle and end, the portrait is now."
just my opinion.
crit mine(in sig.)
#3
^ I agree with him... you made good use of using words that would come across as strong and powerful. The protrait rep's kinda threw it off a little bit, and I think the chorus is a little too long. Maybe recycling some of it and making a bridge? It's not bad, just a little bit too much at parts. Nothing a little bit of revising can't easily fix. It's got potential, just maybe tighten up a few ideas. I thought you made some good imagery though... keep up the work..
#4
thanks both of you
And My Soul From Out That Shadow That Lies Floating On The Floor, Shall Be Lifted. . . Nevermore.
The Raven -Edgar Allen Poe
(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")
<<<<<<<<IT'S A FREAKIN BUNNY!O.o
#5
I'll have to agree with what's been said, you repeated "portrait" way too much. Maybe you could say that for something like an interlude, instead of a solo, you know? Otherwise, it's pretty good, I really enjoyed the last four lines at the end, they kicked ass.

Alright, now thati've critiqued your wonderous work, can you critique my newest rap, "Take Action"? That would be great, here's a link: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=6262226#post6262226