#1
youll take it with a smile
youll take no matter what
the things that we keep quiet
two is more than enough
ill watch as you keep sinking
i wont even lift a hand
i will laugh as you keep drowning
i may even catch a tan


so goodbye, good luck, and god ****ing speed
your out of car, and gas, and out of me
your the epitimy of everything i hate about this life
so goodbye. so long, and good luck...goodbye


im laughing on the inside
im laughing on the out
you just look so stupid
with your tongue wagging around
did you really think i'd care?
do you think it makes me happy
just to hear that your ok
that you think you can make it out alive


so goodbye, good luck, and god ****ing speed
your out of car, and gas, and me
your the epitimy of everything i hate about this life
so goodbye,do long, good luck....Goodbye

feedback would be cool
Originally posted by the best of...
Vin Diesel was once asked if he believed in the idea of reincarnation. His response was simply "I used to be a plate of pancakes."
#2
first off... your title is the exact same as a modest mouse one. you don't have to change it or anything, i thought i'd jsut point it out

youll take it with a smile
youll take no matter what
the things that we keep quiet
two is more than enough
ill watch as you keep sinking
i wont even lift a hand
i will laugh as you keep drowning
i may even catch a tan

in the 2nd line, do you mean "you'll take it" ? i think it's just a typo there that you missed it out...
anyhow the only thing i didnt like here was the very last line- sounded way too cheesy, as though you'd jsut stuck it there for some rhyming. and yeah sure, it rhymes, but it doesn't sound so great IMO.


so goodbye, good luck, and god ****ing speed
your out of car, and gas, and out of me
your the epitimy of everything i hate about this life
so goodbye. so long, and good luck...goodbye

2nd and 3rd line: "you're" not "your"
also "epitome"
the repitition of "goodbye" in the alst line sounds a bit weird IMO. i'd change that bit tbh.


im laughing on the inside
im laughing on the out
you just look so stupid
with your tongue wagging around
did you really think i'd care?
do you think it makes me happy
just to hear that your ok
that you think you can make it out alive

hmm this is feeling kind of immature tbh. the stuff about "you just look so stupid/with you tongue wagging around" is very simplistic language; overly overly simple with a real sense of lack of meaning behind it. i just don't feel this at all tbh, sorry lol. i don't really get anything from it.

so goodbye, good luck, and god ****ing speed
your out of car, and gas, and me
your the epitimy of everything i hate about this life
so goodbye,do long, good luck....Goodbye

again, the same thing about the alst line. nice repitition though, and a good ntoe to end the song on.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#3
i quite liked it, the line

im laughing on the inside
im laughing on the out

i found really good, but sometimes the lines didnt feel like they fitted together very well???
maybe take a look and revise it

crit4crit???
link in the sig
PSN: Noverion
#4
here's a real song (you can find it on teh songwriting and lyrics page):

here's a song that you will worship forevar. short, sweet, and to the point.

__________________________________________________ _________________
i'll smite you all
you WILL be smited
into the spikepit you'll fall
by a dog be bited
smite!
you!
smite!
you!

(guitars, bass, drums, that stuff-nenenenenenenenenenene!)

i'm at my cauldron
chanting a cliche-ish spell
(nenenenene!)
you should start to run
before i send you straight to hell
(nenenenene!)

but wait- i like you
you saved me from the bird poo

(short solo-ish bridge-y thing here)

i'll be nice, cuz your nice
here's some free beans n rice
your death'll be quick and painless
and your corpse wont even be much of a mess

smite!
you!
smite!
you!
__________________________________________________ _________________

oh yeah.......

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no, just kidding. your songs the second decent song i've found so far (mines first)