#1
It kinda sounds like a Rage Against The Machine, i dont know why, but it just reminds me of them. Please Crit.

Wishing to say something or speak your mind,
But your voice freezes up, along with time.
The world starts to spin.
I'll never win.
This fight will take me.
Your might will break me.

I fall to my knees
and put grass stains on my jeans.
Why Does it have to be this way?
Will you forgive me?

It's just the way that I am.
I do what I can.
I can only hate you for so long.
Then you make the red go down.
Last edited by jagstang365 at Jul 23, 2006,
#2
the first verse was good, but it went downhill from there. I would use another word instead of 'might' in the sixth line, it sounds too forced. in the second verse you rhymed knees with knees. try rhyming it with freeze, please, ease, threes, sees, tease, seize, keys, disease, appease, degrees, whatever. the last line sounded kind of weak too. anyways, nothing a good editing sessiong cant fix.
I've seen emo-er.


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