#1
a little bit of nothing. please leave me links


While she waited

The pavement was too hot to stand on in the midday summer heat, so she stood on the front lawn, the overgrown grass tickling and reaching up her bare legs. She held a suitcase in her hand; behind her, a crumbling house of destroyed memories. She dropped the key in the long grass, and with a smile she thought of how long it might stay there before somebody found it. The remains of the fence which enclosed the garden could barely be seen amongst the dense grass. In her bare-neck summer dress and someone else?s jacket she waited.

She waited there for hours, maybe more, but never moving. She stared across the street with a faint smile playing on her pale and wounded lips. She could see she would be waiting for hours yet to come. The ghostly outlined figure smiled back at her and she waved.

The cool of the evening brought a slight breeze. She checked her reflection; but it was gone. Where had it gone? She stepped forward and through the broken gate, checking both ways on the deserted and silent street. She turned around and saw it hiding behind a tree. The paleness of the face shined out in the half light. And with her suitcase still in hand she embraced the figure, feeling the condensed and cool outline safe within her grip. ?I won?t leave you again?, she whispered fiercely.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#2
I liked it. The only part that I felt was awkward was "The fence which enclosed the garden was hardly left standing anymore." Didn't flow well for me. I think it's too busy trying to express a relatively simple idea or fact. Otherwise, I like it.

Kind of a non sequitor - do write any longer prose, like novellas or novels?
Hi, I'm Peter
#3
yeah I don't relaly like that bit either tbh, I think I might change it right now. Thanks for the input. I do indeed write longer prose; I am compiling a collection of short(ish) stories, and also working on a full-length novel. They're going pretty well if I may say so myself Once again thanks for your comment, and I shall change that bit right now.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#4
Cool. I really like your writing. You don't feel like you have to flex your vocabulary in order to create meaning; you paint very interesting pictures with your words. I have a feeling that when you write longer pieces, you're very exacting and lush with your detail. You're also adept at ambuguity without bashing the person over the head with almost nonsensical metaphors. I can almost tell you're a fan of romantic-era poetry as well as more modern poets.
Hi, I'm Peter
#5
Very nice indeed. Although you didn't describ it too elaborately i got a vivid summer's image and a wonderful warm feeling from this. It's odd how you managed to make something with reletively not much to it, into something that intrigues you. But you did, and well at that.

Although you did portray it well i did think it was plain in placesbut none the less, i stil liked it.

Could you look at "infidelity in mysig for me please?
#6
Nice words, but they don't really go anywhere. And ambiguity is icky.

No offence, but I've seen you in better form.
-Landon
#7
But I love ambiguity
Thanks though Landon, I'm trying to get back into the whole 'writing a single piece which doesn't lead anywhere' kind of thing. I've been writing the same damn story for like months now. And don't get me wrong I love it, but I haven't written nearly as many single one-off pieces that I used to, and those I have done suck ass.

Caz- thanks very much, I shall get to yours right now.

Dirk- many thanks again
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#8
It's nice to see some more prose here. I liked the subject matter and the way you described the surroundings without using too much detail. I personally like ambiguity so keep it coming

The one thing I didn't like was the sentence which began with And. It's one of those things which everyone does it and it becomes acceptable but my preference is to avoid beginning sentences with "and" and "but".

The ending I enjoyed more than anythiong else in the piece - well, apart from when she checked her reflection and it had disappeared. Is this just a little bit of prose on its own or is it of something bigger - or indeed are you thinking of building more and more around this? - because if this is part of something bigger, I'd be very interested to see more.
#9
Although I wanted to write something which was quite set apart from anything else I've been writing recently, I can't help but feel this probably will be part of something bigger. I might incoroprate it into my book, I'm not sure yet. I did really enjoy developing this small idea here and I would love to pursue it, but at the same time I have to learn that every piece does not have to be a part of something else lol. I honestly don't know yet, is the answer to your question lol. I guess we'll see Thanks very much for your comment
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#10
I understand. Don't think I don't like it; it's very pretty. But if I must choose between beauty for the sake of beauty or crap for the beauty that is catharsis, you know where I stand
-Landon
#11
yeah, i really liked it too, i thought it painted a good picture, and very good writing, i actually like the part mentioned on top of the page, what i kinda disliked was the word fiercly in the end, i dont know why but i just dont like whispering fiercely. ?, dont know why. but this is a really good song.

link in sig.
#12
I really like it. Be mindful of your adjective-to-noun ratios. Try to be economical with adjectives. Not that you haven't been so far - I'm just mentioning it!

Just so you know, in general I love these short pieces that don't "go anywhere"
Ro
ρ
#13
While she waited

The pavement was too hot to stand on in the midday summer heat, so she stood on the front lawn, the overgrown grass tickling and reaching up her bare legs.
That's just a great start. Wonderful.

She held a suitcase in her hand; behind her, a crumbling house of destroyed memories. She dropped the key in the long grass, and with a smile she thought of how long it might stay there before somebody found it.
Again, good stuff, my only real problem so far is the "she" repeats, but right now I can't thin kof a replacement, so- maybe something to consider.

The remains of the fence which enclosed the garden could barely be seen amongst the dense grass. In her bare-neck summer dress and someone else?s jacket she waited.
I like. the "someone elses jacket" part adds intrigue to this girls backstory.

She waited there for hours, maybe more, but never moving. She stared across the street with a faint smile playing on her pale and wounded lips.
As above, the "wounded" here seems like she's been through some pain. Nice job if that's what you intended.

She could see she would be waiting for hours yet to come. The ghostly outlined figure smiled back at her and she waved.
this bit lost me; If she can see this recognisable figure, surely she souldn't be waiting for much longer? Or a I completely getting that wrong..

The cool of the evening brought a slight breeze. She checked her reflection; but it was gone. Where had it gone?
For me, that would have worked better if you had mentioned her checking her reflection, or a line similar, earlier on in the piece. It would have just given that line more impact.

She stepped forward and through the broken gate, checking both ways on the deserted and silent street.
I'm not a fan of "deserted" here, I would have used another "s" word, as it's that sound that for me, conveys the silence. Also, deserted is contradicted in the next line.

She turned around and saw it hiding behind a tree.
For me, "it" isn't really neccessary here, I would have preffered something a bit more informative. something like "the figure", just for continuity.

The paleness of the face shined out in the half light. And with her suitcase still in hand she embraced the figure, feeling the condensed and cool outline safe within her grip. ?I won?t leave you again?, she whispered fiercely.
I don't know if I like the fiercely at the end. But I think that's a personla choice on the last word there.

Overall, a really enjoyable piece. Good stuff, I believe you have quite a talent for pieces such as this.

If you wouldn't mind- https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=6265225#post6265225
#14
I'd love to provide a huge crit but Jammy already has.
So I'm just going to say that as I read it I saw it in my head, like a film.
That makes it fantastic.
Well done.

Alex
"You can never quarantine the past."
#15
thankss very much guys!

Jamie, thanks very much for the full full cirt, much appreciated. I'll try and answer some of your questions, but before I do, let me jsut say that ambiguity and personal interpretation of art and writing are among the most important things to me. I love films where we're not told what to think, but we have to think for ourselves. I write with the intention of making one think. So anyway I'll try to explain this a little bit but I don't want to like tell you what to make of this

She could see she would be waiting for hours yet to come. The ghostly outlined figure smiled back at her and she waved.
this bit lost me; If she can see this recognisable figure, surely she souldn't be waiting for much longer? Or a I completely getting that wrong..

When I wrote it I intended this figure to be herself; the "pain" and "woundedness" mentioned afore runs through her life, and when she looks accross the street from her destroyed house she can see herself; perhaps a life she did not lead but could have led? Who knows. I guess the simple road out is to say she is schitzophrenic, or has mental problems, but I personally like to think that things like this ARE possible. I like to believe things aren't controlled by simple human rules.

The cool of the evening brought a slight breeze. She checked her reflection; but it was gone. Where had it gone?
For me, that would have worked better if you had mentioned her checking her reflection, or a line similar, earlier on in the piece. It would have just given that line more impact.

Ties in with what I just typed, aboutt he "reflection" and all. I liked it here because, well obviously, reflections cannot simply disappear. I guess this ties in with the slightly supernatural and eerie theme.

I'm not a fan of "deserted" here, I would have used another "s" word, as it's that sound that for me, conveys the silence. Also, deserted is contradicted in the next line.

I emant that the street was deserted; no cars, no other inhabitants; no pedestrians etc. But thanks for pointing that out though, I'll revise it slightly to make it a tad clearer.

I think that's about all. Thanks everyone for comments
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#17
Quote by Dæmönika

The one thing I didn't like was the sentence which began with And. It's one of those things which everyone does it and it becomes acceptable but my preference is to avoid beginning sentences with "and" and "but".



actually using and and but at the start of sentances can bring a reader to notice that sentance more, and for it to stand out. the only problem some people has is they do it too often, and it loses its purpose.

Anyways i was kinda halfway there with it. Parts i enjoyed parts i thought rather bland. i really like that key idea the way she just smiled. I kinda dont like the way you fixed the fence line though. because at first you say its raching up her legs so you get a picture of it being a lil bit above ankle and then you say its going over the fench so now shes like... drowning in it. so idk thats all i have to say if your returning "My journal and reality" in my sig

-Mike
#18
Ta very much guys. Much appreciated
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"