#1
Alright, here's a rap I've been waiting all night to post, and I finally decided just to go to bed and post it in the morning. Anyways, I've been excited to post it, because I really like it, abd I hope you do too. The flow wasn't copped from anyone else (unless I picked it up and didn't know about it), so I think thisis going to be my flow style. Alright, enough chatter, here it is:
--------------------
Take Action

So many problems all we do is address it
But we could do so much more to try and arrest it
There?s war, poverty, pollution, disaster
But it seems money and power is all that we?re after
Why have we done nothing to change the world?s sins?
All we do is discuss it again and again
Why has man not take action, it all stays the same
For so little to lose, there is so much to gain

Chorus:
We talk it all up
But really, its bullshit
If we don?t carry out plans
It?s really all worthless

A young man wants to change it
Can you really now blame him?
He grew up second rate
And he really can feel them
But he complicates it
Instead of just helping
He just talks all this shit
That really won?t help them
That man dreams so big
But what he does is so small
Little things help, but not much at all
Why don?t he just help it, nobody knows
The sad thing is, there?s so many of those

Chorus

Now I?m just a kid
But look what I did
I brought you this message
While you?re listenin?
I?ll confess from the start
I ain?t fully done my part
But what goes in one ear
Should go straight to the heart
And now that you?ve heard this
I hope you?re a bit more smart
Now go into the world, and do your own part
So we can give humanity
Before this world falls apart

Chorus
#2
Nice rap. I liked your subject matter, and your piece flowed very well. Hopefully, you can make it in the rap industry.

"The man dreams so big
But waht he does is so small
Little things help, but not much at all."

That was really heart-felt right there. By the way, what kind of beat was this going to go over?

Crit mine please

Find the Love
#4
Quote by themarsvolta
Nice rap. I liked your subject matter, and your piece flowed very well. Hopefully, you can make it in the rap industry.

"The man dreams so big
But waht he does is so small
Little things help, but not much at all."

That was really heart-felt right there. By the way, what kind of beat was this going to go over?

Crit mine please

Find the Love

Sure, I'll get to yours as soon as I can.

Um, as for beats, I hadn't even thought of it, I kind of just was on the aqueduct (where I go out here to write), rapped it out, and since I liked it, I wrote it down. I dunno, what kind of beat do you think is appropriate? Maybe something like a Jurassic 50-style beat, they seem to have good beats and they talk about "real" issues all the time, like I do.
#6
Not much of a crit here, my bad, but look > https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=360694

That was my first piec ehere, and this reminded me of that, it seemed quite similar on first read. Feel free to take lines with it, just credit me

I just felt that the chorus is pretty weak, in my opinion. could be a bit stronger (I'm not telling you to curse don't in the chorus) but add more emotion into it.

It was a lame crit, but, hey, you get what you pay for. (Or summin)

Good Luck.
#7
This is great. Your best. Its rhymes don't seemed forced, they make sense and it all flows nicely. I don't like rap but if you got big I wouldn't mind listening to this at all.lol. This song makes me wanta protest or something.lol. Great job. Can't honestly find something wrong. Oh wait. I guess Jammydude is right, The song it self is so strong and powerful the chorus isn't on the same level. Come up with a new and p.m me it and I'll tell you if it fits it well. You keep on getting better man keep it up.
#8
Really liked it even though i dont listen too much rap, awesome topic, great flow. If only more rap was like this.
#9
I have to agree with the majority. Again, I'm not a massive rap fan but it's great to see you being honest, upfront, unafraid to use a different medium instead of the usual emotional oh-so-clever stuff (like mine, to be honest) we get on here. Also, congrats on not trying to be black.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#10
Alright, to all those who said my chorus isn't as good, I know I suck at writing, but I tried to write some new ones tonight, as my project (every day I either have to come up with three rhymes, unless I'm doing some sort of "project", like this one), but they might seem forced as I haven't been able to do my full exercise routine today (gives me that natural high which makes rhymes flow out of my mouth with extreme ease), nor have I been able to get to my "writing spot", as its been raining all day, plus I felt rather pressured to write a new chorus, as I feel it is of utmost important to reach my listener with something solid. But, enough excuses, here they are:
--------------
Alt. Chorus 1.
Why has nobody acted
We don't do a thing
We talk it so much
Then drink beer and flash bling

-----
2.
So open your eyes and come realize
That changes depends on changing our lives
#11
I definatly think you should combine the two new chorus because the ending of the first suggestion is a little awkward but the 2nd one is too short. I also think you should maybe reword it. I think it should go like this

Have the first two lines of the first suggestion and all the lines of the second( just reworded:
So why hasn't anybody acted
We haven't done a thing
So open up your eyes and realize
( now this line is a little too long and messes up the flow)

So come up with another ending line that fits the flow but still gets your point across. And you'll Have a good hard hitting chorus. This we'll definatley need a hard beat because it's a hard song. Now if all this sounds really stupid, don't blame me. I'm just a stupid white boy who knows nothing about rap.
#12
ive read some of your other stuff and your theme stays pretty constant throughout all your pieces - war, greed, hate, etc. (which is nice)
sonds pretty good to me
chorus might need a change like you were saying
#13
For the most part, I think this is really good. Probably your best work. I'm not into the chorus', I'd rework them so they flow better. The thing is, with music (especially rap), the hook often makes or breaks the song. You've got your thoughts together, just meditate on them and take your time and come up with a solid chorus... with it, you could make a respectable rap song (which is getting harder to find nowadays). Keep working man.
#14
^Yeah well, for the time being, we're gonna go with the "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" idea.
Quote by dakmac
I definatly think you should combine the two new chorus because the ending of the first suggestion is a little awkward but the 2nd one is too short. I also think you should maybe reword it. I think it should go like this

Have the first two lines of the first suggestion and all the lines of the second( just reworded:
So why hasn't anybody acted
We haven't done a thing
So open up your eyes and realize
( now this line is a little too long and messes up the flow)

So come up with another ending line that fits the flow but still gets your point across. And you'll Have a good hard hitting chorus. This we'll definatley need a hard beat because it's a hard song. Now if all this sounds really stupid, don't blame me. I'm just a stupid white boy who knows nothing about rap.

Tis ok, I'm a stupid white boy, too, in fact, you're in good company.

What about..
So why have we done nothing
No we haven't done a thing...
So we talk it all up
But all of its bullshit
If we don't carry out plans
All of its worthless


I dunno, maybe I'll sample something, tastfully, that is, if I find something that fits. Or I can find someone willing to sing something, instead of me rapping it.
#15
"We've got no drive, no passion
For what really matters most
And when we never get things done
We just sit around and boast"
hows that?
just trying to help with the chorus problem
#18
Take Action! (Soldierw/wings Cut)

So many problems all we do is address it
But we could do so much more to try and arrest it
There?s war, poverty, pollution, disaster
But it seems money and power is all that we?re after
Why have we done nothing to change the world?s sins?
All we do is discuss it again and again
Why has man not take action, it all stays the same
For so little to lose, there is so much to gain

Chorus:
We've got no drive, no passion
For what really matters most
And when we never get things done
We just sit around and boast


A young man wants to change it
Can you really now blame him?
He grew up second rate
And he really can feel them
But he complicates it
Instead of just helping
He just talks all this shit
That really won?t help them
That man dreams so big
But what he does is so small
Little things help, but not much at all
Why don?t he just help it, nobody knows
The sad thing is, there?s so many of those

Chorus

Now I?m just a kid
But look what I did
I brought you this message
While you?re listenin?
I?ll confess from the start
I ain?t fully done my part
But what goes in one ear
Should go straight to the heart
And now that you?ve heard this
I hope you?re a bit more smart
Now go into the world, and do your own part
So we can give to humanity
Before this world falls apart

Chorus
----------

So soldierw/wings wrote me a killer chorus, thanks man, how does it look now?
#20
^Thanks (though it is truely you who should take credit), now I just gotta go rap it out. Tommarrow night...
#23
^

Alright, so I'm re-editing it, you know cleaning it up, cause I am really serious about this piece, so I'll post it as soon as I think I have a final.
#24
hmm....honestly, I like the verses, but the chorus doesn't seem to fit....but I guess thats because I have no feel for the song (I'm not big on rapping at all)
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#25
Quote by TheAmishOne
hmm....honestly, I like the verses, but the chorus doesn't seem to fit....but I guess thats because I have no feel for the song (I'm not big on rapping at all)

Which chorus, mine or soldier's?
#26
those first 2 new chorus things you added on a later post are good.....put those together and put them in there
~The Gear~
Schecter Hellraiser
Ibanez RG 550
Mesa Single Rectifier
Marshall 1960 4x12
VHT Two/Fifty/Two
ADA-MP1
Eventide Eclipse
#27
^Nah, I can't please everyone... I'm stickin' with soldier's, it expresses my thoughts in the best, most solid way possible.
#29
Alright, hopefully, this is the last time I'll have to re-write this, as this is the way I feel most comfortable with. Basically, I've changed a few words, moved them around, but nothing huge, so here it is:
------------------------
Take Action! (Soldierw/wings Cut)

So many problems all we do is address it
But we could do so much more to try and arrest it
There?s war, poverty, pollution, disaster
But it seems money and power is all that we?re after
Why have we done nothing to change the world?s sins?
All we do is discuss it again and again
Why does man not take action, it all stays the same
For so little to lose, there is so much to gain

Chorus:
We've got no drive, no passion
For what really matters most
And when things don't get done
We just sit around and boast

A young man wants to change it
Can you really now blame him?
He grew up second rate
And he really can feel them
But he complicates things
Instead of just helping
He just talks all this shit
And it really won?t help them
That man dreams so big
But what he does is so small
Little things help, but not much at all
Why don?t he just help it, nobody knows
The sad thing is, there?s so many of those

Chorus

Now I?m just a kid
But look what I did
I brought you this message
While you?re listenin?
I?ll confess from the start
I ain?t done with my part
But what goes in one ear
Goes straight to the heart
And now that you?ve heard this
You?re a little more smart
Now go into the world, and do your own part
So we can give to humanity
Before this world tears apart

Chorus
--------
Minor changes, but I need to get crit on everything so I can know what gets right to you and solidly so.
#30
alright i really liked this but, at least the way it sounded in my head while i was reading it, the chorus could be a little longer. Of course, I haven't heard the song so it might be perfrct exactly the way it is, because I loved the rest of it.
#31
Nice work dude, one of the few raps out there that I like.

Crit one of the songs in my sig please?
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#33
Oh man, that's a pretty slick flow (check out my lingo ) ( no way did I just flow something myself!)

Anyway, I'm not one for political themed lyrics these days, but this strikes a different chord...as opposed to the usual "U POLITITIONZ SUCK LOL!1!!", you actually came forward and said that change starts with yourself, and I respect that for sure.

Now, my favourite part is definately
"I?ll confess from the start
I ain?t fully done my part
But what goes in one ear
Should go straight to the heart",
it's just got that roll-off-the-tongue quality that makes you smile when you read it, because you can just hear how it will sound. Nice job!
Last edited by olif8 at Jul 26, 2006,
#34
Quote by olif8
Oh man, that's a pretty slick flow (check out my lingo ) ( no way did I just flow something myself!)

Anyway, I'm not one for political themed lyrics these days, but this strikes a different chord...as opposed to the usual "U POLITITIONZ SUCK LOL!1!!", you actually came forward and said that change starts with yourself, and I respect that for sure.

Now, my favourite part is definately
"I?ll confess from the start
I ain?t fully done my part
But what goes in one ear
Should go straight to the heart",
it's just got that roll-off-the-tongue quality that makes you smile when you read it, because you can just hear how it will sound. Nice job!

Well, yeah, this song was actually inspired by Dakota's (dakmac) song, "Embracing Loneliness", because he touched a subject that nobody talks about (pornography), and I decided that I wanted to write a song about a subject that nobody talks about. And when I choose to write about the idea that we need to take action in order for change to take place, I realized why nobody talks about it, and that reason is that its almost like taboo, nobody talks about it, because they all know that they are part of the problem, and that someone will tell them that, and they don't want to be put down like that. It all comes down to fear. So, hopefully, this song will represent a bold new step in my songwriting, and I hope to infulence others, the way others have influenced me.

Alright, sorry if that seemed a bit big-headed, but I just want to talk about that for a second. Go on with the crits.
#35
I'm by no means a fan of rap, but this was OK. It's good to see such a piece without overwhelming swearing.
#36
How about:

(Fuk yo bitchz) REPEATED 4X

No but seriously that was great a rap that actually spoke from the heart and had a point without degrading women or encouraging violence drugs or swearing.
This deserves all the grammy's that past rappers have won
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#38
There?s war, poverty, pollution, disaster
But it seems money and power is all that we?re after


I love you!

Decent rap at last!
#39
Great rap." What goes in one ear should go straight to the heart" should be on a bumper sticker or somethin'. Yeah. hi.
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