#1
POEM. This is a short poem I conjured *pun intended* this very afternoon. My French isn't terribly fantastic, so if it's wrong don't chuckle quietly to yourself and bugger off. Tell me.

Stirring a symphony of concoctions
Wooden spoon; black magic cauldron
Bless the grounds you walk on
All Hallow?s Eve; deification
Satisfaction; murderous crows
On a fence; plotting conspiracy
Pour tout le monde à voir
Pour tout le monde à envier

Blasphemous music splits the air
Into a thousand shards of glass
Step carefully; don?t spill your blood
Cauldron burning; misanthropy
Dirty deity; countless foes
On her throne; passing judgment
Pour tout le monde à savoir
Pour tout le monde à détester

Metallurgy; alchemy
A dirty business for matching price
Hubble bubble, toil and trouble
More Opium so I see double
Pour tout le monde à se soucier
Pour tout le monde à croire
Pour tout le monde à nier
Last edited by Dæmönika at Jul 24, 2006,
#2
i'll fullcrit this in a sec, but jsut a quick note, you know with your french lines, do you mean to say, for example with this one: "Pour tout le monde pour savoir" do you mean "for everyone to know" ?
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#3
Quote by jallas
i'll fullcrit this in a sec, but jsut a quick note, you know with your french lines, do you mean to say, for example with this one: "Pour tout le monde pour savoir" do you mean "for everyone to know" ?



"For the world to know" is what I had in mind, so yes.

EDIT: For all the world to know
#4
The "pour" used there isn't right (the second one I mean), I'm jsut trying to think what you'd use instead. You'd be best asking Pooch tbh on this one, I'm pretty sure that's not right, cos "pour" means only "for" in the sense of "for me, for you" or "in order to" in the sense of "I went outside in order to see the sky"

"tout le monde" also translates as "everyone/everybody" so some degree of accuracy is lost there when translated but there's not mcuh you can do about it, roughly the same.

Right, use "à + verb" instead

so "pour tout le monde à savoir". I'll check with Pooch later on but I think that's right.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#6
Stirring a symphony of concoctions
Wooden spoon; black magic cauldron
Bless the grounds you walk on
All Hallow?s Eve; deification
Satisfaction; murderous crows
On a fence; plotting conspiracy
Pour tout le monde pour voir
Pour tout le monde pour envier

"symphony of concoctions" is very lovely imagery indeed. Sounds great. This is a great opening, I have nothing to crit (except to change each second "pour" to "à")

Blasphemous music splits the air
A thousand shards of glass
Step carefully; don?t spill your blood
Cauldron burning; misanthropy
Dirty deity; countless foes
On her throne; passing judgment
Pour tout le monde pour savoir
Pour tout le monde pour détester

IMO, it would sound a little better if you put "Into a thousand shards of glass" as the 2nd line. Or else put some punctuation in it. As it stands as poetry, it would make no sense, because it would read as a continuous line due to there being no punctuation: "blasphemous music splits the air a thousand shards of glass" do you see what I'm saying?
"Dirty deity" is just fantastic. Best phrase I've heard for ages. Absolutely bloody fantastic.
last english line: *judgement
Another lovely stanza here. I am really intriguied by this piece.

Metallurgy; alchemy
A dirty business for matching price
Hubble bubble, toil and trouble
Opium so I see double
Pour tout le monde pour soigner
Pour tout le monde pour croire
Pour tout le monde pour rejeter

Very very impressive writing. One thing I'm gonna point out though is that in the 4th line, "Opium so I see double", it's a great, great line, but I feel the flow and rhythm is a little uneven. I would suggest an extra syllable, IMO it would sound a little better.

Also... are you sure you mean "soigner" - it means "to treat" as in, to treat an illness. Is that what you meant? =/

I'm also not sure about "rejeter- to reject", it kind of contradicts "croire- to believe" which preceeds it. I'm sure this is what you have gone for, but like... it just sounds plain odd to me:
For everyone to believe
For everyone to reject

I don't really get the continuity of it?

Anyhow, this was indeed an excellent piece (yes, that good I bolded the word excellent!). I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and was very very impressed. Excellent job.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#7
Thanks Alice (again ) The "soigner" line is supposed to mean "For the whole world to care". That last line was intentionally penned to contrast from the other two lines, although I do see how ambiguous it does seem now.

Line two of the second stanza shall be changed. I wrote this really quickly (now there's an excuse ) so an occasional line or two might not make sense.

I think I'll change the Opium line to More Opium so I see double for that extra syllable. If it makes the line slightly vaguer than beofre just say and I'll find something else to compromise the line.

Once again, big thanks Alice. Oh. one more thing, we need more prose
#8
I would ask Pooch about the verb to care, I looked it up in my big french dictionary (hehe) and the only one that I guess means what you're trying to say is "s'occuper" but I don't know if that's fit or not. Pooch is fluent so he could give better insight than me. And you are very welcome, I love poetry in this style. I think it would be safe to say when WotM happens in a few days you shall have my nom/vote.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#9
Don't think your only in that ^^ Your my vote for sure

I would, but this piece is too much of a task for me today, I hope you understand.

But it looks pretty, what with all the french in it, so, I'm impressed, as thats originality on these forums.

Good Luck to ya.
#10
Ok, the french lines. Here I am!

Pour tout le monde à voir
for everyone to see = Pour que tout le monde voit
for everyone to see it = Pour que tout le mond le voit.
What you wrote is also correct and it flows better than what I just suggested.
Pour tout le monde à envier = For everyone to envy. It comes across as it is everyone who is to envy though.

Pour tout le monde à savoir = know
Pour tout le monde à détester = hate

Pour tout le monde à soigner = heal, bring to health. To care would be "a(accented) se soucier" You could also use "Pour toute la sympathie du monde"
Pour tout le monde à croire = believe
Pour tout le monde à rejeter = reject, but I would use "nier" as to deny.
#11
Ok, the french lines. Here I am!

Pour tout le monde à voir
for everyone to see = Pour que tout le monde voit
for everyone to see it = Pour que tout le mond le voit.
What you wrote is also correct and it flows better than what I just suggested.
Pour tout le monde à envier = For everyone to envy. It comes across as it is everyone who is to envy though.

Pour tout le monde à savoir = know
Pour tout le monde à détester = hate

Pour tout le monde à soigner = heal, bring to health
Pour tout le monde à croire = believe
Pour tout le monde à rejeter = reject, but I would use "nier" as to deny.

Thanks for all the help. I'll change whatever needs changing.

One thing though, is Pour tout le monde à soigner right for "For all the world to care?

EDIT: Ignore ^
#12
I promise to return the crit as soon as possible. For now, *bump*
"You can never quarantine the past."
#14
Quote by broken_bottles
I promise to return the crit as soon as possible. For now, *bump*


Wow, no one's bumped one of my poems before, so cheers.

^Poem, not song, but thanks for the look in.
#15
I really liked this song, like ^soldier said, its creepy.
Awesome use of words, very original and the french just made it sound even better. I'll crit this later but for now i'll just say this is a very good piece.


Cheese ...... $3.00
Coffee ...... $1.00 - $3.00
Jack Sparrow bathed in cheese and holding a cup of coffee in his hands..... Priceless