#1
hey, im 15 and im a vocalist in a band...were in the process of writing songs...so tell me if you like it!! it doesnt have much of a flow, but i intend the song to be alot like American Football's Never Meant....if you havent heard it...i suggest you listen, becuase its amazing


Never Steady Ever. Ready?
Your Absent minded, hollow, and unforgiving
but it's what i love about you
the way your eyes light up when you lie

did you ever think, to reverse your thinking?
or did you forget, that your forgetfullness
got you into this mess

you thought so hard, you fell out of the box
and logic no longer makes any sense
you forgot how to crawl, so theres no coming back to me

your poor self-guiedence is starting to catch up to you,
but taking the dark road has never looked brighter,
i guess with me, you found some one new, you couldnt trust

i love the way your eyes light up when you lie
crit my rhymes?:

Lets Get Drunk and Fuck.

Subtle Arrogance

Do you realize, that i can clearly see your clitoris through your jeans?

Quote by Shaepwnsyou
They're very religious, so they have butt sex to save their virginity.
Last edited by br&nizzle at Jul 24, 2006,
#2
Yah it doesn't have a flow but the lyrics are good. If i listen to that song i may be able to get the sound and rythm much better. Good Job
#7
your right about the flow.....but with both your songs, seeing how short they seem......unless your planning to do the chorus a lot.....it seems like these are going to be slow songs....because if they went fast, there would be nothing to grab onto
On the day that I go up they'll be completely out of forgiveness supplies

Member No.8 of Brand New Anonymous. PM MattDaviesFFAF, the_astronaut or ghettohippygirl to join.
#9
Quote by br&nizzle
hey, im 15 and im a vocalist in a band...were in the process of writing songs...so tell me if you like it!! it doesnt have much of a flow, but i intend the song to be alot like American Football's Never Meant....if you havent heard it...i suggest you listen, becuase its amazing


Never Steady Ever. Ready?
Your Absent minded, hollow, and unforgiving
but it's what i love about you
the way your eyes light up when you lie

i read that you dont think this has flow, then i noticed its not punctuated. Now i realize this is a song but just for the sake of the READER'S pleasure punctuation could help, especially in understanding the beat and flow of the actual song. the last line i like that alliteration you had there intentional or not.

did you ever think, to reverse your thinking?
or did you forget, that your forgetfullness
got you into this mess

haha i really like lil 'forget' thing you have there though it seems like quite the mouthful to sing.

you thought so hard, you fell out of the box
and logic no longer makes any sense
you forgot how to crawl, so theres no coming back to me

I like how you contradict yourself here. logic doesnt make any sense thats pretty interesting.

your poor self-guiedence is starting to catch up to you,
but taking the dark road has never looked brighter,
i guess with me, you found some one new, you couldnt trust

i love the way your eyes light up when you lie


guidance someone isnt two words. i also love that eyes light up lie. It makes her seem cunning, yet evil. anyways one thing that nudged me about this is it seems that even though your acting like your telling a story every stanza seemed to say the same thing just with different words

-Mike
#10
you guys are geniouseslllthanx...and its not really meant to flow...because this sont has no chorus of verse or bridge...its a really cool way to wrtie a song...if youwant to hear an exapmly listen to Never Meant by American Football
crit my rhymes?:

Lets Get Drunk and Fuck.

Subtle Arrogance

Do you realize, that i can clearly see your clitoris through your jeans?

Quote by Shaepwnsyou
They're very religious, so they have butt sex to save their virginity.
#12
Quote by TrigFunction
You actually, already mentioned that ^ :P


did you listen to it??

its amazing!!!
crit my rhymes?:

Lets Get Drunk and Fuck.

Subtle Arrogance

Do you realize, that i can clearly see your clitoris through your jeans?

Quote by Shaepwnsyou
They're very religious, so they have butt sex to save their virginity.
#13
Yeah, flow.

But I agree with keeping the style of no chorus or anything. Just think of All Along the Watchtower, its not like it fit any common song structure.
#14
but you gotta admit, all along the watchtower, is longer, like the verses, an has a more rhythmic structure that you could strum along to an make up the words forever. here the words are a bit an each stanza is quite short. if its a fast song then the whole thing would be over in the time it takes for hte first verse of 'patience'. needs more padding out but not at the expense of what quality is there. its just a matter of picking and choosing the appropriate pieces an then expanding on them, to create four or five longer verses that have a definate flow to them.

please crit mine:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=400649
thx
#15
It just needs to flow a bit more, otherwise good idea and good basic structure to it. Keep it going!
#16
you guys are missing the point, its more of an instrumental song...

with little singing...but im gonna stretch out the lyrics alognt he whole song...but its mostly instrumental...

get it?

thanks so much for the crits tho
crit my rhymes?:

Lets Get Drunk and Fuck.

Subtle Arrogance

Do you realize, that i can clearly see your clitoris through your jeans?

Quote by Shaepwnsyou
They're very religious, so they have butt sex to save their virginity.
#18
pretty awesome lyrics idk how the song would go though but keep it up