#1




Omegavolt



A young man now lies bound to a bed with
Electrodes dug in his chest while his best
Friend intermittently closes the switch.
This is not the end - this is not the end.


Last edited by scousertommy at Jul 24, 2006,
#3
The thing I suggest, is changing the 3rd line to " Friend intermittenly closes the switch". This is a short piece, good title and all, I would lengthen it, it is hard to draw out much meaning out of what you have now. Good job.
#4
Thanks man, good call, I'll change it now. Definitely flows better.
This will hopefully be expanded upon in forthcoming pieces
ρ
#5

Omegavolt



A young man now lies bound to a bed with
Electrodes dug in his chest while his best
Friend intermittently closes the switch.
This is not the end - this is not the end.


Reminds me of that T.S. Elliott piece that started as a long piece, but was revised until it was only two lines. Fratricide at its best. This is an extremely contemporary piece. Gitmo and Irak come to mind, oviously. The human rights philosophy brought by the Geneva Convention, is it right, what does it bring or lead to?


Sorry for the short crit

if you would be kind enough to check my latest, that would be excellent.


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=398191
#6
No problemo! I'll check yours now. I'm glad the piece got you thinking like it did. Like you, I'm hesitant to reveal any one definite meaning- so as to allow the piece to "pivot", as I like to say. Glad I could remind anyone of Eliot! Ro
ρ
#7
I like this short little piece, however there is one thing that doesn't make it problem free; the second an third lines. They don't flow into eachother at all but could do with some different wording. Think about that.

Otherwise a good wee piece, well done.

Can you look at mine in the sig for me please? Cheers
#8
Ronan we all know ( least i think we do) that you can write. Honestly i dont have much to say to correct this actually i have none. but this is your second piece in a row that just seemed unfinished and vague. paraboetheo told me the same thing about my writing. "Youve got to tell the whole story you cant just write the concept" (something like that) and i think your doing the same thing. anyways besides that... great job

-Mike
#9
Yeah I'll try to get 'round to completing the rest of this story. The other parts are more substantial. Technically this piece isn't really vague - it is what it is; a short but coherent narrative. I know there's no background or context to it though. It'll be probably be a coupla weeks before I get round to writing other parts. Heh, right now I'm just arousing intrigue
ρ
#10
That was absolute perfection Ronan. I cannot express how great it was. Seriously. I don't want to sound like I'm sucking up and shamelessly praising or whatever. But that's jsut awesome. Every word is goddamn perfect. Congratulations on like, being ace.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"