#1
Funky.

Now let's get this straight, for all you new people to the forums-

Critique for Critique.

For those who I know and love, I'll be getting to your pieces anyhow, but if you comment on this and leave a link, you know it's coming back to ya

EDIT: Oh, and I'm off on holiday on Friday, so this'll be my last piece for like, three weeks or so. Hopefully I'll write alot while I'm away, so, I'll be back


Set the scene with the greatest of ease
Sittin on my bed with my friend Louise
She's wearing a skirt well above her knees
I would have laughed if it wasn't for the sleaze

Talking about those latest test scores
But then that topic she soon ignores
Turns out she's tight in her drawers
Wants to go and take them back to the store

But then she goes and strips right down
Hell boy she ain't even wearing a gown
Now this is the sort of things she renowns
Suddenly my mind becomes a ghost town

Knock Knock Knock
Come and Let me in
I want you with me
Knock Knock Knock
Let me have it girl
Get off, come and get me

Oh your skin so soft and young
From this trap I feel sprung
Before you see how well I'm hung
Well I'll go and slip the tongue

I know your thinking I'm one of those guys
Eyes on chest and hands on thighs
Now I won't sensationalize
But you were so scared of my size

Knock Knock Knock
Come and Let me in
I want you with me
Knock Knock Knock
Let me have it girl
Get off, come and get me

(solo)

Knock Knock Knock
Let me in
I want you with me
Knock Knock Knock
Let me have it girl
Come on girl get some of me

Oh good lord I feel so good
Feel like what I should
Didn't know that I could
But then you told me that I would

Well I saw you for seven days
You kept my flame ablaze
I could not avoid your gaze
You live just to amaze

Well I'm just counting down the days
Counting down the days yeah
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jul 25, 2006,
#2
my god...this song is like softcore porn...

well...depending on what type of song it is...it sounds good...
but im confused as to what it....IS...
there really confusing...

bu i like it...good stuff man
crit my rhymes?:

Lets Get Drunk and Fuck.

Subtle Arrogance

Do you realize, that i can clearly see your clitoris through your jeans?

Quote by Shaepwnsyou
They're very religious, so they have butt sex to save their virginity.
#3
Yes! Someone with subject matter as sleazy as mine!
This is really arrogant, but I didn't inspire the dirty side of you to come out, did I?
It's very good, by the way, well rhymed and witty (ref. to 'hung' epecially). It's great:
I know your thinking I'm one of those guys
Eyes on chest and hands on thighs
Now I won't sensationalize
But you were so scared of my size

is an especially good stanza.

Good work, Jammy.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#4
Hehe, I thought it was pretty good, but there were a few things that stuck out at me. I see what you're trying to go for, but some of the rhymes seemed kinda forced. I don't have it right in front of me, but two of the lines that I remember are the ones that end in "renown" and "sensationalize." During certain parts I felt it flowed really well, but running into "filler" lines where the rhyme seems kinda forced tends to trip me up a little. Of course I'm looking at it from a reader's point of view, I'm sure if I actually heard it in a song it wouldn't be as bad. Nicely done though, I'd be interested to see what kind of music goes with this...

-Mike

Crit for Crit: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=400293
#5
Let just say it like this: I would totally wank/have sex to this, and that's saying a lot for a song that isn't rap (rap is the. best sex music).
#6
usually not a fan of AAAA rhymes, but it kinda worked out for this song
some of the verses were pretty damn funny
#8
Alot of ryhming seems to be a bit overboard at times but other than that its pretty good.

Comes across as a straight up rocker song something like maybe Jet nowadays but just sleazier or like an ACDC song. Even going back further like a chuck berry song. The ryhming style and lyrics just remind me of stuff like these 3 bands who are all pretty similiar.
#9
Thanks all, specially Alex (Yes?) And bdlydrwnby.

As I said, it's funk. Apache Rose Peacock, Sir Psycho Sexy, anyone?
#10
Alex, yes.
Yeah, great with the funk. BloodSugarSexMagic = Classic
"You can never quarantine the past."
#11
You have great structure, and I really like your precise style. The only thing I didn't really like about this piece was the consistant rhymnig of all 4 lines in each stanza, especially in one towards the end where you repeat "should" twice. Don't get me wrong, I love rhyming and this kind of technique can work really well, but it also can not. I think this needs perhaps a little revising or work on; IMHO the rhyming of each line with the next in each stanza gets tiring and a little unimaginative, and at parts sounds cheesy.

The lyrics here are great, don't get me wrong, the idea is good and your approach to writing is very impressive, but I think the techniques you've used here don't quite work perhaps as well as you could do. Good job though man
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#13
Uhh... Thanks, I guess ^^

But more thanks to you, jallas. I didn't notice the repeat of "should", silly me, was going for a woulda/coulda/shoulda stanza, totally misrea that one

Many thanks for your thoughts.

EDIT: Changed that line
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jul 25, 2006,
#14
JD my man. I'm also off on holiday for two weeks on friday so same applies for me

Ok, this was pretty damn funny and also witty in places if you're witty enough to find them
A good song methinks, not a serious one; quite the opposite. I think for the approach you were taking here it worked well.

Although this isn't such an excellent piece of writing i do think it will make a very good song.

Have a nice hols mate, where are you going?
#15
France, mid-west, near a coastal place called La Rochelle. Apparently quite hot there at the moment.

You going anywhere nice and sunny ?

Thanks for your comment aswell. It wasn't a joke song, I was writing for the genre, and personally I think I pulled it off (so to speak)

Happy Holidays, I guess