#1
I'm lost in a daydream, that I don't understand.
I'd Explain it to you, but I don't know what to say.
But time keeps on slippin' away, and I don't know where it's gone
I don't want to die, but I'm afraid to live forever.


|CHORUS|
Do we ever get to have a chance,
A little happiness and romance,
and do all the passerby's feel the same

Here we are stuck again,
In the world we been livin' in,
and please tell me what we're living for


Life seems to easy, and we take it way too slow.
I could just sit back, and drift away for good.
There's so much I could say, but I'll never get the chance.
If I had one thought, I'd give it to you.


|REPEAT CHORUS|


If I had the time
If I had the time
If I had the time
I'd tell you more

If I had the time
If I had the time
If there wasn't time
Would you close the door


|REPEAT CHORUS x2|

If I had the time
If I had the time


It's just a simple acoustic song. It's slow and sad. I'm 17, and am obviously not a great lyricist...so don't bash too much...but please provide constructive criticism.
~The Gear~
Schecter Hellraiser
Ibanez RG 550
Mesa Single Rectifier
Marshall 1960 4x12
VHT Two/Fifty/Two
ADA-MP1
Eventide Eclipse
#2
Nice one. I really like the chorus. My first crit so I cant tell you alot. But sweet man. Like your taste in guitar.
Check out my song, Forget my name, tell me what you think about it.
Last edited by Gibsonsun at Jul 24, 2006,
#3
That's really good. It would sound great on acoustic. Nicely written. Flows well. Not anything to really crit. Yah would mind crit mine too.
#4
its a really cool concept...
i cant figure out what it is about which is probly a good thing...

the whole "time is running out" concept is a bit over-used....but you do a really good job of making it worth listenign too...

ps. i like your gear man...


crit for crit?
crit my rhymes?:

Lets Get Drunk and Fuck.

Subtle Arrogance

Do you realize, that i can clearly see your clitoris through your jeans?

Quote by Shaepwnsyou
They're very religious, so they have butt sex to save their virginity.
#5
Thanks everybody...it actually has nothing to do with time running out....thats simple something I threw in there and it seemed to fit.. It's simply about lost relationships, and wondering where they went...

I'll crit all of you if you can provide a link...


And yes, this is an acoustic song...using simple chords..and a hammer on here and there...nothing technical at all...


And as for my gear...thanks...guitar equipment is the ONLY reason I keep jobs...lol. Now I just need the money to upgrade that Epi to a Gibson...Alpine White..yes...
~The Gear~
Schecter Hellraiser
Ibanez RG 550
Mesa Single Rectifier
Marshall 1960 4x12
VHT Two/Fifty/Two
ADA-MP1
Eventide Eclipse
Last edited by TheAmishOne at Jul 24, 2006,
#6
i can't really get a grip on your rhyme patterns in the first and second verses
lyrics are really pretty good though
i like it for the most part
#7
Quote by TheAmishOne
I'm lost in a daydream, that I don't understand.
I'd Explain it to you, but I don't know what to say.
But time keeps on slippin' away, and I don't know where it's gone
I don't want to die, but I'm afraid to live forever.

that comma in line one isnt needed. in line two id change dont to wouldn't adds some alliteration and flows better. line there take out the but. and the on interesting line four

|CHORUS|
Do we ever get to have a chance,
A little happiness and romance,
and do all the passerby's feel the same

line one "do we ever get a chance" ( i find you keep putting unnecessary words in, might want to watch that) i like the rhyme there i love that word "passerbys" maybe cause im listening to an srv tribute by steve vai and its affecting my mood. i really dont know.

Here we are stuck again,
In the world we been livin' in,
and please tell me what we're living for

the and is unnecessary.

Life seems to easy, and we take it way too slow.
I could just sit back, and drift away for good.
There's so much I could say, but I'll never get the chance.
If I had one thought, I'd give it to you.

proper punctuation, no unnecessary words. Nice job

|REPEAT CHORUS|


If I had the time
If I had the time
If I had the time
I'd tell you more

If I had the time
If I had the time
If there wasn't time
Would you close the door


|REPEAT CHORUS x2|

If I had the time
If I had the time


It's just a simple acoustic song. It's slow and sad. I'm 17, and am obviously not a great lyricist...so don't bash too much...but please provide constructive criticism.


on another note, hows that 1960 a cab and how much did you give for it?

-Mike
#9
MastaBassist - I did crit yours....and yeah I like the acousticness of the song

TrigFunction - I absoulutely love the Marshall Cab....It's a bitch to haul around, but other than that, it sounds amazing. I know a store owner, and I get stuff half off, so I got the cab for $325

soldierw/wings - Well, the way it's written, there isn't supposed to be a rhyme pattern. If you heard the guitar with it, it would make more sense...it's a very slow, melodic song, until the chorus, then it speeds up just a tad.
~The Gear~
Schecter Hellraiser
Ibanez RG 550
Mesa Single Rectifier
Marshall 1960 4x12
VHT Two/Fifty/Two
ADA-MP1
Eventide Eclipse