#1
I deleted and now wished i hadnt, again something completely new ( as in im trying something new) and probably horrible

---The Journal---

July 23rd, 1998 11:43 p.m.

I watched a boy get wrestled to the ground today, beaten and bruised. I sat on the bench, watching him, seeing the shame in his eyes. Eventually they left and the boy lay there, blood flowing from his mouth, and i slowly left to walk home. 'Least it wasnt me.

July 26th, 1998 7:21 p.m.

I took Ashley to Chilis today, I would say it went fairly well. Though, it was a little ackward at the end, a poor man walked up to me and asked me for a few bucks. I pulled out my wallet to show him i only had a dollar, which he graciously accepted. I was happy to know i had my hundreds hidden.


July 28th, 1998 1 a.m.

Someone was following me today. I dont know who it was but he was everywhere. He had a scraggly beard and a dark green trench coat. Probably nothing. Anyways, another rather interesting event today, I was walking down the street and a blind man was crossing the road. I didnt have the courage to help him, and I'm rather glad i didnt because that was a SIGHT. This 'stang came crusing down and just TOOK HIM OUT. Boy did he fly.

July 30th, 1998 6 p.m.

I keep seeing him. Everywhere. Hes haunting me, or something. Coursing through my veins and dreams, never staying long enough for me to say something. I cant take it anymore.


---Reality---

I just got to put it out there she can take it how she likes

"I love you Ashley"

I REALLY need a cigarrete

"Thats really nice of you John"

"Can you hold on one second i need to use the restroom"

Running as fast as i could to the gas station i saw him. Sitting on the corner, holding a sign. That same scraggly beard and trench coat. As he saw me he quickly turned his sign around, ripping it up. I ran over to him and punched him right in the face asking him what the hell the sign said. He told me i didnt deserve to know, and dissapeared.

"Sorry it took so long some hobo caused a scene in the lobby"

"The one with the sign?"

"I dont know, what'd it say"

"Repent, the Lord is coming"



-Mike

edit: theres now a part two in my sig.
Last edited by TrigFunction at Jul 29, 2006,
#2
My entree got deleted I guess but anyhoo. If u didn't see what I said. I said that when I first saw it i thought it would suck but your ending blew me away. U set it up pefectly and if anybody reads this all the way through they'll love it. Great work
#3
funny I loved it until the end, but im not a god person, good work
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#4
Honestly i dont think you have to be a "god person" to enjoy it. You just have to understand that the person believe you should repent and it would save him, but he doesnt deserve to know it. Its not a story of god and believing in him, its just to show that some people are pretty ****ty.
Last edited by TrigFunction at Jul 25, 2006,
#6
Well, I liked the reality part alot towards the end because it placed everything in check. Some of the journals sounded and read like an average person's journal...which is good to have too. This makes it easier for the reader to place themselves within the mindset of the piece, in a way. But yea, I like the way it all kept growing and growing until that twist ending.

Its not one of your best works, but I do like the direction you are heading in.
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#7
amazing this is great. the first entry got my attention so well. great job!
#8
I deleted and now wished i hadnt, again something completely new ( as in im trying something new) and probably horrible

New is good. New is a challenge.

---The Journal---

July 23rd, 1998 11:43 p.m. I don't know if these have significance to you or not, so I'll leave that point.

I watched a boy get wrestled to the ground today, beaten and bruised. I sat on the bench, watching him, seeing the shame in his eyes. Eventually they left and the boy lay there, blood flowing from his mouth, and i slowly left to walk home. 'Least it wasnt me.

I think you could change "watching" as you have already said "watched". I think you could add some stronger imagery in here to really show us how bad this beating was. I also don't like the "I slowly left to walk home", it's a repeat of "left" an I also think you write it in a better way.

July 26th, 1998 7:21 p.m.

I took Ashley to Chilis today, I would say it went fairly well. Though, it was a little ackward at the end, a poor man walked up to me and asked me for a few bucks. I pulled out my wallet to show him i only had a dollar, which he graciously accepted. I was happy to know i had my hundreds hidden.

Ackward ? Fairly good stanza, it just all seems slightly unimaginitive. I would love to see some stronger imagery in these stanzas as I think it's losing interest slightly with a dull narrative.

July 28th, 1998 1 a.m.

Someone was following me today. I dont know who it was but he was everywhere. He had a scraggly beard and a dark green trench coat. Probably nothing. Anyways, another rather interesting event today, I was walking down the street and a blind man was crossing the road. I didnt have the courage to help him, and I'm rather glad i didnt because that was a SIGHT. This 'stang came crusing down and just TOOK HIM OUT. Boy did he fly.

Better stanza, if a little messy in it's points. I guess you mean Cruising ?

June 4th, 1998 6 p.m.

I keep seeing him. Everywhere. Hes haunting me, or something. Coursing through my veins and dreams, never staying long enough for me to say something. I cant take it anymore.

Better. More intersting with the veins/dreams thing.


---Reality---

I just got to put it out there she can take it how she likes Relatable.

"I love you Ashley"

I REALLY need a cigarrete

"Thats really nice of you John"

"Can you hold on one second i need to use the restroom" Nice pace to that part, works well with the whole cigarrete thing.

Running as fast as i could to the gas station i saw him. Sitting on the corner, holding a sign. That same scraggly beard and trench coat. As he saw me he quickly turned his sign around, ripping it up. I ran over to him and punched him right in the face asking him what the hell the sign said. He told me i didnt deserve to know, and dissapeared.

Very interesting stanza. Nice, intriguing story.

"Sorry it took so long some hobo caused a scene in the lobby"

"The one with the sign?"

"I dont know, what'd it say"

"Repent, the Lord is coming"

Intriguing conlsuion. I didn't see it coming, and was surprised. but I think it worked..


Overall, I reckon alot of the earlier, diary journal entries were a bit lackluster and could be more powerful, but it all came good in the end, I think. It's a nice change in style and I'm glad to see your not limiting yourself.

Nice Job.
#9
I watched a boy get wrestled to the ground today, beaten and bruised. I sat on the bench, watching him, seeing the shame in his eyes.

This is brilliant. The shame. Great work.

All in all I thought this was very good. Heh, that's certainly an interesting one; the religious preacher not even thinking you deserve the chance to repent and be saved!

I think this style works well for you. You don't get all descriptive/analytical about your feelings on the events - you mainly just describe the events and your feelings are kind of implicit. Like you yourself don't quite understand them. Reminds me of the way Catcher In The Rye is written. Heh, no offense

I like it. I got a short one in my sig if you're interested. Ro
ρ
#10
Now that is a wonderful story. Truly excellent, and for the most art you pulled it off well, i.e. the second half in particular.

The beginning wasn't too bad but it wasn't that interesting, but the thing that it was is that it was original and you have my praise for that. Actually it's only the first diary entry that i didn't really like; the rest were brilliant

Much congratualtion in you successful piece

Could you look at mine in my sig for me please? Cheers.
#11
you guys are probably right, the journal entries arent top notch with most poetry. but i didnt want to make journal entries all poetic i wanted them to be like normal conversatoin, so thats the way i went with that. thanks for all the support!

-Mike
#12


July 23rd, 1998 11:43 p.m.

I watched a boy get wrestled to the ground today, beaten and bruised. I sat on the bench, watching him, seeing the shame in his eyes. Eventually they left and the boy lay there, blood flowing from his mouth, and i slowly left to walk home. 'Least it wasnt me.

This is a really effective opening. The way you don't dwell on such an incident is interesting, I mean, these few lines ehre are far mroe effective than if say you'd written a whole paragraph or two about each careful aspect of the event. This also ties in with the atmosphere and overall tone of this; I mean, it's pretty obvious this character albeit didn't care about the victim there and then, is perhaps feeling some kind of remorse now on looking back yknow? I like the way you've not written very mcuh for this, ebcause it represents the feeling of shame that perhaps this character is feeling. This also links to the "shame" you mentioned in the stanza, which is all the more interesting for being attached to the victim here. Sorry if this is making no sense, I think I'm all in a worlddd of my own =)

July 26th, 1998 7:21 p.m.

I took Ashley to Chilis today, I would say it went fairly well. Though, it was a little ackward at the end, a poor man walked up to me and asked me for a few bucks. I pulled out my wallet to show him i only had a dollar, which he graciously accepted. I was happy to know i had my hundreds hidden.

Just a tiny tiny thing, I would personally say "the Chilis"- "chilis" by itself sounds a little unnatural and weird. Again though, a very interesting stanza. I'm really liking this bit about the dollars and money, but then at the end where you say "I had my hundreds hidden" that's suggesting to me a certain somewhat ambiguity or double entendre of the "hidden hundreds"; for example, is it really money that is your fortune. Blah maybe I'm reading too much into this. Good stanza.

July 28th, 1998 1 a.m.

Someone was following me today. I dont know who it was but he was everywhere. He had a scraggly beard and a dark green trench coat. Probably nothing. Anyways, another rather interesting event today, I was walking down the street and a blind man was crossing the road. I didnt have the courage to help him, and I'm rather glad i didnt because that was a SIGHT. This 'stang came crusing down and just TOOK HIM OUT. Boy did he fly.

I like this. I don't have as much to say on this as the other stanza perviously, but I really like your style of language. The colloquialness and structure is just plain perfect. I feel like I am reading a diary (well I know I am, but yknow... ) haha. yeah s'good. Lovely work here.

June 4th, 1998 6 p.m.

I keep seeing him. Everywhere. Hes haunting me, or something. Coursing through my veins and dreams, never staying long enough for me to say something. I cant take it anymore.

"Coursing through my veins and dreams" is just fantastic. Suggesting that is he blood that makes you alive and a person... wow. I love it. You definitely work with the portrayal of dreams (I'm guessing this is what it is from the title) extremely well here. The only thing that perhaps could be betetred with this bit would be to add another sentence or couple onto it; I mean, I love the ending bit with "I can't take it anymore", but like... I think it'd be really cool if you just step into perhaps the amdness a little, add a sentence that suggests the insanity or something. Just IMO though, up to you of course


---Reality---

I just got to put it out there she can take it how she likes

"I love you Ashley"

I REALLY need a cigarrete

"Thats really nice of you John"

"Can you hold on one second i need to use the restroom"

The only thing I didn't like about this was the "That's really nice of you John", I know it's all about colloquial and messing up in speech and stuff, but that just seems to me a bit kind of unnatural. I dunno, this is a blog so maybe it did happen, I don't know, but it seems a little unbelievable.

Running as fast as i could to the gas station i saw him. Sitting on the corner, holding a sign. That same scraggly beard and trench coat. As he saw me he quickly turned his sign around, ripping it up. I ran over to him and punched him right in the face asking him what the hell the sign said. He told me i didnt deserve to know, and dissapeared.

*disappeared
Great stuff, I lvoe it. Nothnig to crit.

"Sorry it took so long some hobo caused a scene in the lobby"

"The one with the sign?"

"I dont know, what'd it say"

"Repent, the Lord is coming"

very very powerful ending, and nicely leaves it open to interpretation. This ending is very very perfect. Great stuff
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#14
Hmm. I agree that it's not all that great, but like you said, it's new, which is understandable. I think it could work well, even with music, if it was revised to be a bit more concise. Right now I'm not entirely sure what purpose the girls serves other than to reveal the message at the end. So I don't think it's that great, but it does have potential to be a really cool piece. Right now there's not enough difference between the two sections to complete the irony I think.

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#15
dude, I can't crit this in depth b/c I don't see it as lyrics, but this is deep and crazy cool
and I like that...I love writing deep and seeing deep stuff. Keep it up.
#17
okay the ending was nice. but up until then i felt liek the piece was lacking. in part becuase it is kind of inbetween genres in my opinion. which is okay. but I had no real attachment to the character(s) so i didn't really care if this main character got murdered by thi guy or what. but it was an interesting piece none the less and i did enjoy reading it. Keep it up. maybe make it more clear who is saying what in reality because it got a little confusing.
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#19
the end was great but the whole thing was great too so i guess that makes the end super great..or somthing *shakes head*
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#20
WHOA! Dude, that was brilliant, the start was a bit slow, but the end was completely brilliant, as i read somewhere is was almost perfect. Brilliant man really good
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