#1
I owe some crits (Especially to people like Parabotheo and others that crit almost everyone of my pieces recently). I promise that they will be returned with whatever comes from this piece also. I've just been working alot lately and havent had the time to sit down and do a full crit.

This part comes before the other "The Willow" piece I posted...which is found here:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=396712&highlight=willow


The Willow (The Prequel)

Your voice trembles. I whisper. Whispers entangle themselves amongst the willows. "I can hear you, but this isn't funny." "Please, come out from your hiding."
But I'd rather observe you from these branches.
I'm not a pervert. I'm not a pervert. I just like watching people. I like watching their fear.
I can taste it. The way it drips down the indents upon your face.
Your beautiful emerald eyes. Emitting a beacon throughout the eclipsed sky.
Piercing various locations. Trying to find me. You'll never find me.

Your body quivers. I outstrech my arms.
Enclosing around your silhouette from the back. As my finger lingers down your spinal cord.
Sending chills straight to my brain. I'm not a pervert. I'm not a pervert. I just like feeling you.
And feeling your innocence. For I always feel so guilty inside.
Knowing that.
Knowing that you were the one person I truly "fell in love with." I hate falling without realizing where I'm going to land.
And how I can only wish for someone to catch me. Catch me?
You'll let me smash through the ground.

Your voice trembles. I whisper.
"Krystyna, Krystyna. I see you." "I've always seen you."
But you never took the time to actually try to "find" me. You only searched for the sake of searching.
And maybe that's why, you never answered me back directly.
Even though I'm crouched right in front of you.
Amongst the willows.
Can You Fill In The Blanks?
Last edited by xArCaDiAx at Jul 25, 2006,
#2
Quote by xArCaDiAx
I owe some crits. They will be returned with whatever comes from this piece also. I've just been working alot lately.

This part comes before the other "The Willow" piece I posted...which is found here:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=396712&highlight=willow


The Willow (The Prequel)

Your voice trembles. I whisper. Whispers entangle themselves amongst the willows. "I can hear you, but this isn't funny." "Please, come out from your hiding."
But I'd rather observe you from these branches.
I'm not a pervert. I'm not a pervert. I just like watching people. I like watching their fear.
I can taste it. The way it drips down the indents upon your face.
Your beautiful emerald eyes. Emitting a beacon throughout the eclipsed sky.
Piercing various locations. Trying to find me. You'll never find me.

Idk what that 3rd sentance is for, it seems just pointless so yeah. i love the im not a pervert part thats great. the one thing i didnt like here is " indents" meh, im sure you can figure out why Sure 'curves' can be cliche but youve searched for a new one and struck out.

Your body quivers. I outstrech my arms.
Enclosing around your silhouette from the back. As my finger lingers down your spinal cord.
Sending chills straight to my brain. I'm not a pervert. I'm not a pervert. I just like feeling you.
And feeling your innocence. For I always feel so guilty inside.
Knowing that.
Knowing that you were the one person I truly "fell in love with." I hate falling without realizing where I'm going to land.
And how I can only wish for someone to catch me. Catch me?
You'll let me smash through the ground.

the 3rd sentance gives a mental image of you wrapping your hand AROUND her while the 4th is going down her back, i think that needs straightened out.

Your voice trembles. I whisper.
"Krystyna, Krystyna. I see you." "I've always seen you."
But you never took the time to actually try to "find" me. You only searched for the sake of searching.
And maybe that's why, you never answered me back directly.
Even though I'm crouched right in front of you.
Amongst the willows.


I really like it, it seems desperate but willing. so nice job.

-Mike
#3
I don't know what to think about it...
I really liked it, but it seems a little too poetic to me.
But: very well done !
*So Testosterone Boys &nd Harlequin Girls, Will You Dance To This Beat And Hold A Lover Close? *
#4
Quote by xArCaDiAx
I owe some crits (Especially to people like Parabotheo and others that crit almost everyone of my pieces recently). I promise that they will be returned with whatever comes from this piece also. I've just been working alot lately and havent had the time to sit down and do a full crit.

This part comes before the other "The Willow" piece I posted...which is found here:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=396712&highlight=willow


The Willow (The Prequel)

Your voice trembles. I whisper. Whispers entangle themselves amongst the willows. Don't like the repetition of whispers. But nice idea. "I can hear you, but this isn't funny." "Please, come out from your hiding." Hmmm, didn't like this part at all really. Needs to be worded differently
But I'd rather observe you from these branches.
I'm not a pervert. I'm not a pervert. I just like watching people. I like watching their fear. This was great.
I can taste it. The way it drips down the indents upon your face.
Your beautiful emerald eyes. Emitting a beacon throughout the eclipsed sky.
Piercing various locations. Trying to find me. You'll never find me. This was pretty damn good too.

Your body quivers. I outstrech my arms. Something's telling me this shouldn't be two separate sentences.
Enclosing around your silhouette from the back. As my finger lingers down your spinal cord. Wonderfully worded and lovely imagery.
Sending chills straight to my brain. I'm not a pervert. I'm not a pervert. I just like feeling you. This was bland in comparison, not too keen on it at all.
And feeling your innocence. For I always feel so guilty inside.
Knowing that.
Knowing that you were the one person I truly "fell in love with." I hate falling without realizing where I'm going to land. Quite a nice idea but fell a bit short on the execution i feel.
And how I can only wish for someone to catch me. Catch me?
You'll let me smash through the ground. Good.

Your voice trembles. I whisper.
"Krystyna, Krystyna. I see you." "I've always seen you."
But you never took the time to actually try to "find" me. You only searched for the sake of searching.
And maybe that's why, you never answered me back directly.
Even though I'm crouched right in front of you.
Amongst the willows.
Pretty good.


Ok, overall i like this and it's pretty well written. Also you have wonderful images. The thing i think this feel short on was, in places, it wasn't worded as well as you could do but most importantly; the flow. It was very jerky due to the short sentences and although i realise the length of the sentences was probably deliberate it did tamper with the flow.

Well done though, a very good piece.

Can you take a look at mine in my sig please? Cheers.
#5
only 2 goddamn replies! you deserve better than this my dear Nelson! its a shame I cant think straight right now, so i'll have to just leave you with a simple bump and add you to the list of promised crits that I must give soon or I will risk turning half the forum against me.
#6
That's a handy bump, I had missed this, what with me being away an all.

I'm in two minds on what I think about this piece. There are some great ideas in here, the "I am not a pervert" lines work very well, there's some great imagery that really got me into th epiece and i touch with the emotions involved, and you managed to keep the tone up throughout.

On the negatives, I didn't take to the short sentences. As Caz said, it really lends jerky flow to it, for me, it's too much, it feels overdone and not in a good way. That's my main problem with this, even if it is delibirately done, which I'm sure it is.

Overall, ignoring the sentence struture, it was a very well written piece. Good job once more.

If you are critiquing back, my latest can be found in my sig. Many thanks.