#1
right, so i posted this not too long ago, but it never received many replies. so here it is again, leave links kids and i'll glady return the favor.. though it might take awhile for me to get around to it.

"the passage that echoes with memories that nobody will ever remember"

there's a silent passage
located underneath the stairwell,
where luminescence gleams across the wall;
as if it were the fading hope of the reclusive.

their whispers digress, but their expressions remain.
and they piroutte beneath their perishing graves.
because the moon has stagnated;
and the night can never pass away.

remember this day; for the walls will fade.
and the passage will become a silent grave.
#2
I don't like it.............doesn't make any sense to me

your trying to be deep for the sake of being deep, please tell me what this is about
#3
I love the image I get from reading this.

I do fail, however, at seeing the depth of most of your other pieces.

A beauty, none-the-less.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#4
There's something about this that appeals to me. Whether it's the eerieness or just the word choice, I might never know, but this is really good. From what I get of this, it seems like a church or some other building like it which, historically, had passages under the ground which went to various buildings, inns, hotels, that kind of thing. But they had to go underneath the graveyard so some "spirits" might be disturbed, hence the whispering.

That last couplet could mean that the tunnel could collapse into the future sometime, and the spirits can rest again. Although this is merely an interpretation it is the one which came strongest to me.

Could you have a look at the thing in my sig when you have time? Cheers.
#5
I think it's pretty good. Everything about the piece kind of connotes the burying of some secret, to me. A closing off - forever - of something. Presumably the passage being a metaphor for something more.

What are you referring to when you say "they" in the piece? The walls?

Thr rhyming's good. Just subtle enough.

Definitely a cohesive and strong piece. Nice ending, too. I like it.

Got a real short one in my sig if you're interested. Cheers, Ro
ρ
#9
i can't really grasp what this song/poem is supposed to mean,
but sometimes those are the best type
#11
Well, I'm sort of torn on it. It's good in it's ideal and eloquency. I mean I like the feel of it. and the underlying sorrow that doesn't realliy protrude. But, I think it takes a couple of reads to be appreciated. I mean, the first time I read it, I didn't fully grasp it-I couldn't really get at what it really wanted to get at, you know? I read it again and saw more in it and actually I'd say it's pretty good. I wish it was longer, but it's one of those things that you know really shouldn't be longer, because it's already said what it should say and adding would be wrong.

Could you also review mine? That'd be great.
Lonely Souls' Lane
Last edited by Ezra_Zimmerman at Jul 25, 2006,
#12
this was a very pretty sounding piece. jsut the way the words fit together and flow. I really liked the word pirouette in it. I don't really have much else to say. good work man.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#13
Just out of curiosity, was the Moon supposed to have it's usual romantic significance in this?
Edit: That is, if I'm not confused in thinking it has such a significance
ρ
Last edited by scousertommy at Jul 26, 2006,
#14
it wasnt bad. i agree i did have to read it a second time to really like it. i do think you should make the title shorter.
crit mine plz
Whenever I'm Around You
#16
Quote by Final
right, so i posted this not too long ago, but it never received many replies. so here it is again, leave links kids and i'll glady return the favor.. though it might take awhile for me to get around to it.

"the passage that echoes with memories that nobody will ever remember"

there's a silent passage
located underneath the stairwell,
where luminescence gleams across the wall;
as if it were the fading hope of the reclusive.

their whispers digress, but their expressions remain.
and they piroutte beneath their perishing graves.
because the moon has stagnated;
and the night can never pass away.

remember this day; for the walls will fade.
and the passage will become a silent grave.


Thats beautiful, eerie. You set scenes well with your writing. A little bit flowery for the sake of being but then so was shakespeare and look where he got! I'm particularly fond of the third and fourth lines. Very well written, a breath of fresh air from all the self indulgent pre teen bollocks floating about nowadays.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=400684

crit would be appreciated
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#18
It's nice. When i read it, it was like watching a movie in my head.I'm not too sure what it's about but nevertheless, beautiful to read. Your choice of words was good too. Well done.

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=402308
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=402256
Crit would be appriciated on both, thanks for your time =]