#1
This is a little poppy tune I'm writing from my own perspective a couple months from now. Let me know if it's sappy or anything please


Fall will come

Verse
--------
The west coast gives home to a piece of my soul
But it?s much too soon for me to be whole
I got a while to go
Before the tradewinds gonna blow
It back my way

Oh goddamn does it feel strange
To be four hundred miles away from the golden state
I miss the edge of the sea
It?s feeling like eternity
I wanna get back and reclaim whats mine ohhh

Chorus
---------
I know that you really had to go
But I wish that summer could have taken it slow how
The room would glow
When you?d walk inside
and steal the scene

Ohhhh

What are you doing to me
If it wasn?t for your amability
It?d be a little bit easier to see
But you?ll find
My state
Of mind
Is a mess while you?re so far away ohhhh


Verse
-------
I?ve been trying my best to clear my head
But all I get is your face instead
We?ve been force-fed
All the b.s. about it being hard
Oh I shoulda believed what they said

The guys down here have been keeping me sane
But it?s not easy speeding in the slow lane
Try and find a vein
Cause it won?t be much longer
Before I?m gonna need life support
Code blue there's a hole in my heart

Chorus
-------
I know that you really had to go
But I wish that summer could have taken it slow how
The room would glow
When you?d walk inside
and steal the scene

ohhhh

What are you doing to me
If it wasn?t for your amability
It?d be a little bit easier to see
But you?ll find
My state
Of mind
Is a mess while you?re so far away ohhhh

Bridge
-------
Yeahhh I?m doing fine
And I know it?s only a matter of time
Before the surf will start calling my name
Falls gonna come again
But it?s a shame

Chrous
-------
That you really had to go
But I wish that summer could have taken it slow how
The room would glow
When you?d walk inside and steal the scene

ohhhh

What are you doing to me
If it wasn?t for your amability
It?d be a little bit easier to see
But you?ll find
My state
Of mind
Is a mess while you?re so far away ohhhh

Solo
------
#2
its quite long, but generally i like it.. at first i wasnt sure bout using the word amiability..but since it crops up a lot, i think it works quite well, as a reference, its good. on reading it again, i have to say i really like it, an id definately think itd turn into a real nice song when some music is added. i wouldnt say its sappy, it works an flows well, sortof thought it had a light/dark tint to it. but w.e. thats just me lol.

please crit mine:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=400649
thx
#3
Thanks a lot, I had the Format's new CD in my head while writing it. I sung it into a recorded and with spaces added for intro/solo/guitar work it's gonna clock in at about 3.5 minutes. So despite it being lengthy it should fit nicely, hopefully the chorus isn't overdone twice at the end there.
#5
The Format is a local band out of Arizona, they've made it somewhat big on the west coast here. I always forget that they aren't national. Their new CD is and eclectic mix but I think an excellent growth from their first CD. I would say listen to "Tune Out" that's from their first CD Interventions and Lullabies, and then "The Compromise" from their new one Dog Problems. I am really digging the title track too, but it needs to grow on you for sure.
#6

The west coast gives home to a piece of my soul
But it?s much too soon for me to be whole
I got a while to go
Before the tradewinds gonna blow
It back my way

I really like this. It feels very very summery and relaxed. I can imagine this making a really great, soft, mellow, maybe acoustic summer song. Really really good. I don't have anythnig to crit with the lyrics, they're really nice and create a great first impression.

Oh goddamn does it feel strange
To be four hundred miles away from the golden state
I miss the edge of the sea
It?s feeling like eternity
I wanna get back and reclaim whats mine ohhh

I like the colloquial and informal style here, for example, the "oh goddamn". This works well with this style of song because it emphasies the need to relax and take things easy yknow? I didn't really like the line "It's feeling like eternity", I think the rhyming is kind of cheesy there.

Chorus
---------
I know that you really had to go
But I wish that summer could have taken it slow how
The room would glow
When you?d walk inside
and steal the scene

IMO, the "how" should go on the start of the 3rd line, rtaher than the end of the 2nd. it kind of distracts the reader from the impact of the 2nd line.
Very nice chorus though, I love it.

Ohhhh

What are you doing to me
If it wasn?t for your amability
It?d be a little bit easier to see
But you?ll find
My state
Of mind
Is a mess while you?re so far away ohhhh

I like this. it's kinda simple and to the point, but effective. SOunds good.


Verse
-------
I?ve been trying my best to clear my head
But all I get is your face instead
We?ve been force-fed
All the b.s. about it being hard
Oh I shoulda believed what they said

I don't like the "we've been force fed" line, sounds like it's only there for rhyming purposes, which, I dunno, I'm not so keen on. The rest is good.

The guys down here have been keeping me sane
But it?s not easy speeding in the slow lane
Try and find a vein
Cause it won?t be much longer
Before I?m gonna need life support
Code blue there's a hole in my heart

Lovely integration and representation of subjects. Nice way of putting it.

Chorus
-------
I know that you really had to go
But I wish that summer could have taken it slow how
The room would glow
When you?d walk inside
and steal the scene

ohhhh

What are you doing to me
If it wasn?t for your amability
It?d be a little bit easier to see
But you?ll find
My state
Of mind
Is a mess while you?re so far away ohhhh

See above, for chorus lol.

Bridge
-------
Yeahhh I?m doing fine
And I know it?s only a matter of time
Before the surf will start calling my name
Falls gonna come again
But it?s a shame

I like the way you have reversed the rhyming structure here, as oppose to the other stanzas before. This is jsut a small little quirky thing, but really neat. Good lyrics as well man.

Chrous
-------
That you really had to go
But I wish that summer could have taken it slow how
The room would glow
When you?d walk inside and steal the scene

ohhhh

What are you doing to me
If it wasn?t for your amability
It?d be a little bit easier to see
But you?ll find
My state
Of mind
Is a mess while you?re so far away ohhhh

Solo
------

Great way to finish the piece; it just emphasises more that feeling of summer freedom and relaxation. I love it. Good job man
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