#1
woke up really early and couldn't get to sleep and i had the dessert on my mind

Get use to the heat and sand
Because this is were you die
You?re going to drown among this vast ocean
Reach out for nothing but the barbs of a cactus
And we will watch you
As you are pierced and than as it tears and you fall in to the sea

Yes this is were you will die
The sand will enter your lungs as easy as water
Slide down your throat
A grain of sand for a second of time
A fair trade I say
Never said that it would be quick

Don?t bother to fight and struggle
It will only make it worse
Die with some dignity
Don?t flop like a fish
Go down like the captain and his ship

After I realized what I have watched
What I could have prevented I will laugh because
I now know what will happen to me when I dive in
Last edited by frd_marshll at Jul 25, 2006,
#2
Hmm. 6/10. Flow was kind of jumpy, no catch, and the lyrics sound as if they are from the perspective of a hitman. On the bright side, writing early forces your brain to start going
#4
A bit, and trust me, being from Arizona I can appreciate this, but what are you trying to get at? As an objective reader this is what I took away:

1. Narrator mad at someone
2. Desert sucks
#5
i couldn't tell you want i was trying to get at with this.

just something fun and quite to do in the morning
#6
It was good, Are you a little bit angry at someone.lol., It sounded like it. But anyways the flow was off but the writing was good. Great job.
#7
just a couple spelling mistakes - "fair" "used to" "tears"
small stuff, i know
i liked it overall
#9
i like this. "After I realized what I have watched
What I could have prevented I will laugh because
I now know what will happen to me when I dive in"
^ i like this part
I like the dark feel, and the desert feel, the font color helps also
#10
it's kool. . . nice idea with the desert. . . i agree the flow is off a little, but if u just wrote it without music in mind then i guess u could make it fit if u put music to it. . . . i like it. . kool imagery. . . . 7.5/10

plz crit my newest Waterworld lol the exact opposite of a dessert.
And My Soul From Out That Shadow That Lies Floating On The Floor, Shall Be Lifted. . . Nevermore.
The Raven -Edgar Allen Poe
(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")
<<<<<<<<IT'S A FREAKIN BUNNY!O.o
#12
I liked the first and the last stanzas, the second one wasn't as good and i didnt like the "flop like a fish" line at all.
It's kind of simple, quite blunt in parts, but very well written.
I would give you a 7/10 but, after noticing your "Conor" sig, i'll upgrade it to an 8 Nice work.