#1
HEY! please crit this. . . i've posted it quite a bit and nothing yet. . . i'd reele appreciate it if u could take he time and give me some help with this song, so please crit and i'll crit your stuff back

Waterworld

Look upon the blue horizon
The day is gone
Drowned with the hopes and dreams of one
Look ?round, see light in the shadows
Slipping through streams, rivers, and seas
Searching for land, life, and harmony
But you know there will be none of this tonight

(Pre-chorus)

Floating onward towards a pillar of fire
Extinguishing the flame with water all around
You sink inside the dreams and desire
And search for earth where no earth is found

(Chorus)

Waterworld
You?re there don?t you see
You?ll never be free, believe, you?ll never be free
Upon the rapids there is only dark blue
Waterworld
You are there don?t you see
Waterworld
You?ll drown before you?re free

The weather starts to storm
The night is here
Lightning flashes, a typhoon of fear, it?s near
Look ?round and see no shadow in the dark
Braving the storms and hurricanes of the seas
Searching for land life and harmony
But there is only death this night

(Pre-chorus)&(Chorus)

Come with me
This is your fate
Man this ship
It?s Already Too Late
Row onwards towards an invisible land
Row onwards by the will of my command

(Pre-Chorus)&(Chorus)
And My Soul From Out That Shadow That Lies Floating On The Floor, Shall Be Lifted. . . Nevermore.
The Raven -Edgar Allen Poe
(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")
<<<<<<<<IT'S A FREAKIN BUNNY!O.o
#2
First off, it seems kind of like something I'd write (at first glance it did, but turned out not exactly). I think it sort of picks up as it goes along. I suppose the first verse is to set the mood/tone/scene, but I just don't feel it as much from that one. At the prechrous, the eloquence is good and it sort of makes you think and then comes the chorus, feeling as though it makes for a great release of the tension that's built up. From then, it becomes easy to see the sort of...well, I'd say loss of self, and fear of the unknown as well as a sort of deprivation. It's good, it's certainly out of the ordinary-but I think you need to do something about that initial verse. Not really sure, maybe it's the rhymescheme. (Still on the first verse) The attempt at imagery is good and warranted but feels let down but what gives the impression as a below-average set of lines (mostly deemed as much from the rest of the song).

Overall, it's pretty good. You can feel the music and the heart of the song. I think it just needs a little fixing. (Man, some of those lines really come out of my stuff as well)

I got the same thing with the only one I've done so far, so I'd really appreciate it if you would do mine as well.
Lonely Souls' Lane

If you want, I could critique your other pieces?
Last edited by Ezra_Zimmerman at Jul 25, 2006,
#3
yes i'd very very much like u to crit my other stuff thank you for this crit it's very helpfull. . . . and i'll deffinatly take a look at your work
And My Soul From Out That Shadow That Lies Floating On The Floor, Shall Be Lifted. . . Nevermore.
The Raven -Edgar Allen Poe
(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")
<<<<<<<<IT'S A FREAKIN BUNNY!O.o