#1
For the nomination.

Such Pretty Lies (WT)

Your intravenous eyes start dripping
Something clear but not quite pure
And babe, nothings as easy
As you make it seem
I know your smile is a placebo
That never works no matter how
Hard you try
And babe, you're so
Manic it's depressing

Caffiene for breakfast
Pills for dinner
Is there anything in
Your life that's real
Besides the voice of denial
Whispering in your ear

(That says)

"Come on baby, follow me
I swear that I'll be gentle
I swear you won't feel a thing"

And it echoes down to your shaking hands
That wipe the tears from
Your intravenous eyes
Through all the empty sleepless nights you know
You know you could be beautiful
And you know it didn't have to be this way
No, it didn't have to be this way
But nothing's as easy as they said it'd be
And you're so manic it's depressing

Rock On
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#2
Alright piece.

Some nice imagery mixed witha bit of linguistical wit, and it was nice. Personally, that's what I think it was- nice. It wasn't mindblowing, but it wasn't awful. Nice.

I felt that the flow wasn't great, kinda stumbled in a few places, and I don't know, maybe the repetition didn't work aswell as it could have..

But.. Nice

Ps.. Sorry for the lameness of that. It's late
#3
"I know your smile is a placebo"

Sorry but that line was weak i thought. well, sort of. I liked what you were trying to say but i think you worded it very poorly.

""Come on baby, follow me
I swear that I'll be gentle
I swear you won't feel a thing""

I liked that part. it was pretty catchy i thought. and i liked it.

"you're so manic it's depressing" sounds a lot like a line in a song i know. Not that i'm saying you copied it but it's extremely similar. down to the opint of just replace manic with happy. so I wasn't big on that line. I liekd this piece. After the first stanza mostly. I felt the first stanza was pretty weak and lacking a little bit. It didn't really give me a sense of anything.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#4
"Nice." Hmm. I'd agree with that. Thanks for the reads, boys.

Rock On
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#6
Thanks for the read. It's funny. Normally I get stuff like "can't say more now, have homework." Now that summer's started it's like "Gotta sober up." Or "Gotta fnish my piercing." Makes you wonder what really goes on in the livs of the UGers.

Rock On
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#7
Haha well yeah I havn't been in school for years so no homework here. I still didn't finish it... I got the safety pin through and done up. I need to take it out and put an earring in it. I just am not getting around to it yet as it takes a while to get it through the same hole... I'd rather eat my perogies and play my guitar. I'll eventually get around to it haha.

So therefore, I think some words, or phrases could be replaced to be more... intriguing, I guess. I do like the story line. However I think that:
"Come on baby, follow me
I swear that I'll be gentle
I swear you won't feel a thing"
Is my fave part of it.

Anyways I don't want to say exactally what you need to do, or don't do. It is your song and you need to make sure it feels right to you.
#8
^ i agree with what u said about the favourite line part... i thought that set the song and is what kept it an amazing song... without it, your song would still be good... but not AS good... and like loudmurder said, if you like it, thats all that matters... we can give you some tips, but you get final say...

crit mine plz

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=400999
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You do realise only Ug's horny male teens will come in here, right?
Which is why i came in here....

Founder of the Fullmetal Alchemest RulesClub Place in sig to join
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#9
i agree with the placebo line, but you might have a reason for it? i dont like it though, the rest of the song, however, is really good. really like the second verse, but didnt like the ending in it. the rest is really good
#10
Quote by Jammydude44
Alright piece.

Some nice imagery mixed witha bit of linguistical wit, and it was nice. Personally, that's what I think it was- nice. It wasn't mindblowing, but it wasn't awful. Nice.

I felt that the flow wasn't great, kinda stumbled in a few places, and I don't know, maybe the repetition didn't work aswell as it could have..

But.. Nice

Ps.. Sorry for the lameness of that. It's late

I agree with JD completely. It was definitely nice, but not astounding.
Can't help thinking you could do more with that, for example the repetition but generally the execution of it all. I think you have higher standards.

But of course, if you like it like that there's no problem, because it's.... nice

Can you look at mine for me please mate? It's in my sig.