#1
Just suddenly got overcome with this idea, quite randomly. Enjoy, and crit for crit where possible.

Yes Sir
Scoured along their path down crippled way
While spotlights smirked a beating scowl on me,
Because maybe I know; I?m definitely firing into bunkers
Deeper than the vacuum inside my head.
One nameless man didn?t make it from the spotlights;
Downed in the gravel beneath my not so compassionate boots.
My programming failed as a stern sandstorm swept across my face.
?Spot your target?.

For a brief moment I clutched at a pocket of air in the vacuum,
Only to be flushed out my ears like a black hole;
Because maybe I know; I definitely must follow their trail;
Until the bitter taste of a shell takes impact upon my body of steel.
Duty is nothing without the being
But a being is lost with duty.
Torn by my heartstrings and with a reluctant quiver.
?Take your aim?.

?Do as I say,
On your life fight as I say boy.
Never do as I do,
On your life never fight as I do boy.
The day you breathe in that head of yours is the day you die boy.?

?Fire?.
Last edited by caz_guitar_dude at Jul 27, 2006,
#3
Sorry Caz, but this one failed to get me interested, to be totally honest. It just didn't gripe me, lacked that certain gripping aspect, if you will. I'm not totally sure why, it just didn't connect to me or anything.

On the other hand, you could probably ignore that because I'm most likely tired and in a bad mood, so I would go by others peoples opinions for help on this.

Just thought I'd drop a line anyhow, however lame or negative it was
#4
It twas ok. Nice imagery and all, but like jammydude said, it didn't really get me interested. Definately not your best piece.
#5
i most liked the chorus/last stanza, i thought it was simple an to the point. also the rest of the song, although its about war, an maybe carries a vaguely anti war/anti violence message, doesnt make me cringe like a lot of others do. well written and it flows nicely, but lacks somthing special to elevate it to "top 10" status if u get me? a cut above the rest tho...6.5/10
#6
I liked it when it comes to giving a meaning... showing how you must be in war... but it didnt catch my interest...


crit plz
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=400999
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#7
Ok... I really don't understand why at all. All i'm getting here is two liners saying "Didn't get me interested" or "Lacks something special".
You're really not explaining why or how. To be honest with you i don't agree at all. So tell me; why?
#8
Quote by caz_guitar_dude

Yes Sir
Scoured along their path down Baghdad way I think you could have used a better word than scoured, to be honest, although it just about works.
While the spotlights smirked a beating scowl on me, Good imagery in this line, one of your better metaphors.
Because maybe I know that I?m definitely firing into bunkers Eep, well okay then. The word-choice wasn't the best you've ever done. I'm sure if the word choice was changed it would read better. As it is it doesn't come off as good English, if you know what I'm trying to say; if you heard someone say that, you'd correct them. That's what I'm feeling with this line.
Deeper than the vacuum inside my head.
Spot your target. The vacuum reference is good, I think. Nothing in these two lines amiss.

For a brief moment I caught my breath in the vacuum, I don't think that's possible but ah well. It actually works in well.
But spitting flames doused the light of my wisdom, Good.
Because maybe I know that I definitely must follow their trail; Invert definately must.
Until the bitter taste of a shell takes impact upon my body of steel.
Take your aim. Good lines again.

Do as I say,
Fight as I say boy.
Never do as I do,
Never fight as I do boy.
The day you breathe in that head of yours is the day you die boy. All good.

Fire. This sounds really good if it is spoken normally or softly rather than loudly. When I spoke it softly it had a really haunting feel.


It wasn't bad, although word-choice did detract from overall meaning and whatnot. I won't ask for a crit in return because I think I owed you this. If I didn't then you can have a look at mine
#9
Right Right Right

First, my apoligies for not getting really into this one sooner.

Now let's do this....

I'm sticking with my original post's opinion. this one didn't really grip me. Why? Well, It painted a pretty picture, but for me, that's all it did. The piece failed to really capture me, for example, it didn't really appeal to my senses, therefore it didn't get my imagination working and picturing me there. Yes, there was some good imagery, but for me it didn't do the job of engagin me as a reader.

I'd agree with Daemonika about the word choice in some places, mostly the lines he mentioned. I also didn't think much of what I thought was a lackluster ending, the last stanza and final line really felt weak compared to the rest.

Alos, and I think I said this already to you, it kind of lacked- soul. Like you had built up the picture but I couldn't really get a sense of emotion from it, nothing powerful really came of it. I just felt that it failed to really get to me.

Heck, mostly I don't know what I'm talking about, but hey, this is all opinion mixed with me trying to be as helpfu as I can be. Take it as you wish, ignore it, if you want to. I just felt this wasn't one of your best pieces, no matter how much you liked it yourself.

Good Luck mate
#10
Ok, i do value what you say. Thanks.
Woud it help if you knew what all the links were and how they link together?
#11
No, I don't wish to spoil it for other readers, If you have some free time or if you find yourself really bored you could PM me about it, would probably help me learn a bit, but I suggest not posting the meanings etc. here.

Oh.. bumping..

Ps- If you want, it kinda went through quickly, and seeing it's my last one for 2 weeks I'd love some more input- https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=400203
#12
well the first thing that comes to mind is that i read this as a poem, not a song. it reads like a poem, rather than a 'poetic sounding song'.

the metaphors and imagery are great, paints a very strong and interesting scene. but for me, it merely narrates and describes, rather than 'is'. what i mean is, i dont get the huge belief that the narrator is in the place they are describing. as a result, i wasnt sure what the narrator was feeling about it.
i need to get a better signature.
#13
^ It is a poem.
I on't really see how this isn't personal... practically everything in it is related to the narrator. Well anyway, thanks for the return.
#14
Seems to be a decent piece on the absence of conscience and failure to think/act independently...? I'm guessing that's what the vacuum in the head refers to. Kind of like with RAtM's "Bullet In The Head" lyrics. The heartstrings/quiver/aim phrase was good. Well, it was slightly clever, anyway. The strange thing with this poem is that I see clearly the sentiments you are trying to express, but personally I just don't feel them or even get the sense that you yourself sincerely feel them. There are too many of those 'vice-versa' styled phrases, i.e. "But a being is lost with duty." etc. I think some attempt at wittiness and/or eloquence stole the sincerity from this piece. This is all of course just my potentially unfounded opinion and I've never been empathetic toward poems that have issues with authority, anyway. So, again, sorry I can't be more positive! Thanks for the crit on mine
ρ
#15
^ That's the other thing about you Irish
Cmon, Dear Old Blighty is a good country with good people really, admit it!

Haha, anyway, thanks.
#16
Quote by caz_guitar_dude
Just suddenly got overcome with this idea, quite randomly. Enjoy, and crit for crit where possible.

Yes Sir
Scoured along their path down crippled way
While spotlights smirked a beating scowl on me,
Because maybe I know; I?m definitely firing into bunkers
Deeper than the vacuum inside my head.
One nameless man didn?t make it from the spotlights;
Downed in the gravel beneath my not so compassionate boots.
My programming failed as a stern sandstorm swept across my face.
?Spot your target?.

i really dont like the "my programming" im guessing your just saying someone has "programmed" this fight into you but i just dont like expressing the mind as being programmed. theres so many better ways to express that

For a brief moment I clutched at a pocket of air in the vacuum,
Only to be flushed out my ears like a black hole;
Because maybe I know; I definitely must follow their trail;
Until the bitter taste of a shell takes impact upon my body of steel.
Duty is nothing without the being
But a being is lost with duty.
Torn by my heartstrings and with a reluctant quiver.
?Take your aim?.

the "duty is nothing... lost with duty" line seems kind of like a side point to think about. Its kind of making you think deep into it thus making us forget what the rest of the stanza is supposed to represent, could be changed for another piece.

?Do as I say,
On your life fight as I say boy.
Never do as I do,
On your life never fight as I do boy.
The day you breathe in that head of yours is the day you die boy.?

?Fire?.


rest is good, nice job some good writing

-Mike