#1
Ok so This is one of my first songs ever written.. and my first one on here.. I'll take crit for crit... and could you please support your reasoning, so I can make it better.. Not just a "It sucks"

The Abyssal Whip Around My Chest

[Chorus]
Ravenous hunger has fuelled your thoughts
And while you stare with disgusting delight
The whip is cast and into my skin it digs
While draining my soul from within you smile!

Now I thirst for the love in the past
And thoughts of you overwhelm me
The chord pulled tight,
The line drawn in the sand
I pray for one last breath!

My sight is fading ever so slightly
And now I know my trust was misgiven (X2)

[Solo]

[Chorus x 2]

[Bridge]
And Now the tides are rising
And I'm swallowed into the depths
The Echo of your laughter
Brings back all my Regrets

Can I live, Live any more?
Or is this all thats left of me? X2

(now) Now I Know
(you) That you have
(die) Taken over me

(leave) Leave me alone
(me) To ponder over these
(alone) Lonesome thoughts


**The stuff in brackets are screamed at the same time as the stuff not in brackets are being sung.
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Which is why i came in here....

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Last edited by RenagadeFaction at Aug 17, 2006,
#2
I have a question...have u played a game called runescape?
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#3
I knew id get that from sum1.. I used to.. like a long time ago... and no.. i did not get the abyssal whip from that
Quote by jakeylee111
You do realise only Ug's horny male teens will come in here, right?
Which is why i came in here....

Founder of the Fullmetal Alchemest RulesClub Place in sig to join
Quote by AdayTripper
No porn, no fap fap.
#4
lol ok i was just wondering...i used to play it i stopped like 5 months ago...im glad im not addicted to that game anymore...have time to do more important stuff
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#5
^^ lol agreed... if possible... could i get a crit from u
Quote by jakeylee111
You do realise only Ug's horny male teens will come in here, right?
Which is why i came in here....

Founder of the Fullmetal Alchemest RulesClub Place in sig to join
Quote by AdayTripper
No porn, no fap fap.
#6
its actually quite good. seems to be a lot of this style on here, but this is kool cause its short an sweet, it doesnt wallow in pain, blood, n sunday roasted grandmas like a lot of the others. the "walk into darkness" bit is kinda tap-ish but it could work if done rite vocally/musically. also, dunno if puresome is a word, not sure what your line of thinkin is, an this may be way off track, but i would prolly replace it with somethin harder hitting like "vicious" or "savage" these are just suggestions, but overall i give it 7/10,. thx for critting mine btw
#7
Ok. ty... i took out the walk into darkness part
Quote by jakeylee111
You do realise only Ug's horny male teens will come in here, right?
Which is why i came in here....

Founder of the Fullmetal Alchemest RulesClub Place in sig to join
Quote by AdayTripper
No porn, no fap fap.
#8
If possible... when u crit... can u give me an idea of what style u think this could be played as?
Quote by jakeylee111
You do realise only Ug's horny male teens will come in here, right?
Which is why i came in here....

Founder of the Fullmetal Alchemest RulesClub Place in sig to join
Quote by AdayTripper
No porn, no fap fap.
#9
Even though it did not rhyme, it still flowed very well. This is excellent for a first piece. It is kind of short though. Maybe you might want to come up with a second verse. Anyways, I enjoyed reading it. This would be a slower, more melancholy song. Something like "Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult.

Crit mine please

Idol Worship
#10
it's really good. Good imagery in metaphores. Just make it longer, good luck.
#11
Sorry, it's taken a bit to get round to yours... i needed to sort and mne and edit it. So now it's done, here goes:

Ok, the first stanza is good. Good imagery,metaphors etc and i love those so well done. However my problem is with the rest of it; it's quite cliche. Its really a shadow on your chorus. So instead, just craft it like you did with the chorus and keep the meaning. I really don't understand why you could do it with the chours and not with the rest but there you go.

So that's my advice, sort out the cliches and use imagery.
#12
I like it, you pick what could be a dark subject, but don't go over the top with it and ruin it. And considering it's one of the 1st you have written, you seem to know what you are doing quite well. The 1st line doesn't really do it for me, well the 1st word anyway. I'll give it 7/10, well above average, but could be better.

Thanks for my crit btw
"If you want beef, then bring the ruckus." - Marilyn Monroe
#13
Hey thanks for the crits guys... and so u know... the song is supposed to have a freestyle flow... not verse, chorus, verse, chorus... etc... if any of u listen to Alexisonfire, then ud know what im doing... very little of their songs follow that format
Quote by jakeylee111
You do realise only Ug's horny male teens will come in here, right?
Which is why i came in here....

Founder of the Fullmetal Alchemest RulesClub Place in sig to join
Quote by AdayTripper
No porn, no fap fap.
#14
I changed the song around and Made it longer
Quote by jakeylee111
You do realise only Ug's horny male teens will come in here, right?
Which is why i came in here....

Founder of the Fullmetal Alchemest RulesClub Place in sig to join
Quote by AdayTripper
No porn, no fap fap.
#15
well...

back in my rs days i remember abbysal whips were like 3million gps each

thus mean i could afford over 250 before i quit (shows how addictive it is)

kinda glad i did that game ruins ur life.

sorry no feed back on ur song
#16
^ is there any chance u do give me feedback... and everyone... plz no rs talk plz??
Quote by jakeylee111
You do realise only Ug's horny male teens will come in here, right?
Which is why i came in here....

Founder of the Fullmetal Alchemest RulesClub Place in sig to join
Quote by AdayTripper
No porn, no fap fap.
#17
Ok I changed a bit of the song... ( lol yeh its been a while scince last post)
Quote by jakeylee111
You do realise only Ug's horny male teens will come in here, right?
Which is why i came in here....

Founder of the Fullmetal Alchemest RulesClub Place in sig to join
Quote by AdayTripper
No porn, no fap fap.