#1
I havn't written anything for so long, and then this little piece kinda just happened!
Leave a link and I'll look at your work.

You said, ?I?ll see you in art?
Decipher that for me, if you will
For the portraits I draw are blind
And I blame imperfection
For taking their vision
For now, they do not see
Neither from their eyes or from their souls
Sightless faces on all but blank pages
So that there is more to work with
There is more beauty to conceive
And although you are already
Picture perfect
I pray, take my advice
?The colours will not run
From your brush
And spread across the page
Like it is as boundless
As your hope
As your faith
They will stay
In your hand
And leave your expressions white
And black
Like purity
And reality?
Last edited by Neely at Jul 30, 2006,
#2
Whoah... I have no other crit for it other than I love it.
GARGLING FOAMY SPIT
YOUR THROAT IS VIOLENTLY SLIT
THESE SYMPTOMS WON'T REMIT
YOU'RE FORCED TO CHOKE ON IT!
#3
i loved it
i agree with last crit
loved it completely keep up the good work!!!
Quote by MarchOfEternity
Oh, and azza, you're a pretty good writer! Graybass is a god amongst men and you're turning real quick to be his new messiah lol.

Quote by graybass_20x6
You're doing good, mate.

Keep up the good work.

I'll take A for $500, Alex.
#5
Ditto to what they said.

Amazing stuff.

Crit a song in my sig?
Quote by Keef-is-king
Seinfeld: The Video Game

It'd be a game about nothing. But it would be fantastic, better than the Sims by far because there would be more jews.
#7
It was amazing. I didn't get any thing out of it because it was to complex for my tiny brain.
Good job, thanx for crit mine. I'll try to use more metaphores. See i'm really new to writing so i may need you to help me with that. good job
#8
Nice job. I liked it a lot. One of the best pieces i've read in a very long time.
©Ibanez4
#9
I really like this. Like not too much to critisize for once other than I think it should be
"on all but blank pages: it flows better. And the last lines I think left me wanting, as if there was less there than could have been. But all in all fantastic.

Crit mine if you have time please https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=402453
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#10
that was an amazing piece
everything flowed nicely and you did not go off the subject at hand
very nice
lawlkyle
#11
I agree with all these people, this is pretty amazing work. Loyal to the topic, good rhythm.
Very nice, loved it.


Cheese ...... $3.00
Coffee ...... $1.00 - $3.00
Jack Sparrow bathed in cheese and holding a cup of coffee in his hands..... Priceless
#13
i have to agree with everyone else on this. i thought it was a very strong piece, the images you conveyed were really great. i was going to say that i thought the second half was stronger but reading back it's all top quality. great work.
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#14
Argh! This is a really cool bit of work! It was wayyy deep the way i saw it..but anyways.
I remember some of your earlier work and...i recall liking that stuff too.
Your going to end up with a very big fan!
One thing that stuck out to me was the line "Picture perfect"
Thought that was brilliant. Im about to go for soup, but i promise a fuller crit later k?
9/10 from me

Can you crit mine please? It's called "twenty love hearts"
franz x
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#15
The positive critiques seem justified.

It's always good to see when someone gets struck by a new idea, and is able to express it so excellently.

I'll point out something, and that is only that it would be better if you were to put in more punctuation, because it can improve a piece, but lyrically this seems fine to me.

I have been impressed by your work Neely, so I hope you continue posting.
#16
That was awesome, I loved reading every bit of it
Questions of science,
Science and progress,
Do not speak as loud as my heart.


#18
The name sucks, but the song's quite good. gj.
Always waiting for that bit of inspiration.
#19
haha, i have no problems with name, and the writing is really good, great words, loved how it ended

critting back? in sig if u r