#1
i feel ubar special after writing these

theygo with a song i just recorded

its processing on myspace

Quiet part
swallow your toungue and watch it lie inside your throat as time manifests its pale devices to quantify these equations untold
there's nothing left to know except that it happened
that it never will again


B-B-B-B-BREAKDOWN


the hour charged with consequences thoughts unravelling as truth tugs on the loosened ends
can it be known? seen like a reflection? seeming so very real, though it's only make believe though its only make believe
how does your darkness dance when the stage is lit with a spectrum of lights and more music than you can stand how does it dance when all of its dreams are shattered and the curtain still hangs in front opaque glass luring to eyes that seek it
the fever broke and flesh congealed again but on the other side of sickness was not where wellness graced
some graves can't be dug deep enough


first time writing... anygood?
#5
1st time? If i wrote a song like that 1st time, id be putting songs on here everyday! The structure takes a little bit of time to get used to, but it's all good. The way you write is unique, you use many interesting ideas, and the wording is sensational. I really enjoyed reading this piece.
"the hour charged with consequences thoughts unravelling as truth tugs on the loosened ends, can it be known?" - That was a great line, i like the idea of truth tugging on the loosened ends. Great stuff, you get 9/10 easily, keep it up.
Crit 4 crit? If you could crit my new song "Through The Dead-Ends", that would be appreciated.
"If you want beef, then bring the ruckus." - Marilyn Monroe
#6
yeah man, that very first line: "swallow your toungue and watch it lie inside your throat as time manifests its pale devices to quantify these equations untold" in fact the whole quiet part is very very very good. and the rest too
#7
Great job. Love the first Stanza, and all the other stuff is good. Great job