#1
Hi everyone, first song I've posted here, it's interesting, unfinished, and (soon to be) very long. I came up with it after listening to waaaaaay too much Jellyfish. Go figure

I found it's virtually impossible to tell you the rhyme pattern, so I'll just leave this with you as a piece of poetry/prose, even though it will be in a song. I'm gonna be recording it soon, so I'll be sure to let those of you interested know about it when it done.

Will be updated as I continue writing it.

Shelf-Life (working title)

Intro (spoken word)
Gather round children for the tale of a pilgrim, he simply bargained off his life for cheap romances (and fake applause)

Verse
The details of his journey has sent real men to a gurney, but to warn you of the dangers of your own mind,
Armed with just a lack of brain, a taxi, bus, a stroll to the train, couldn?t even look his mother in the eye (he never thought to say goodbye),
When heart and soul is set alight, the higher goal takes the limelight, this poor little boy was no different from the rest,
The flaming ember in question, now she open to suggestion, and the peasant boy believed her future lay with him (he just didn?t know it yet)

Middle verse
Her sweet, sweet, scent of sex was oh-so-quaint,
She seduces boys and men and cuts their rope from heaven when he was bound to be a saint, the unforgivable sin, you can look but can?t touch oh where do we begin?! The foolish child should?ve been castrated, at least told first to turn his back on a mission that could only end in hurt!

Chorus 1
And that?s where the story might end (if it didn?t begin)
Our fable has no more bends (however, just kidding)

Hereafter chorus
The dictionary clad with hide, (is there something I missed?)
Point out the ugliest word you can find (pronounced narcissist)
Is there something more to this broad? (Interrogates himself)
I wonder if she cares I think she?s a whore? (she can?t be bought on a shelf)
She likes to hear my opinions, (she can?t be bought on a shelf)
Doesn?t care about my earns, (she can?t be bought on a shelf)
Should I re-assess deeper? (she can?t be bought on a shelf)
Maybe this one?s a keeper! (she can?t be bought on a shelf)

Outro
Maybe this one?s a keeper! (she can?t be bought on a shelf)
Maybe this one?s a keeper! (she can?t be bought on a shelf)
Maybe this one?s a keeper! (she can?t be bought on a shelf)
Maybe this one?s a keeper! (she can?t be bought on a shelf)


Crit for crit? Thanks for reading.

#2
Nice song you got here. I can't wait to see the finished version of it, but it is really good now anyways. I really enjoyed reading the middle verse. One thing however, the constant repetition of "She can't be bought on a shelf" may get annoying.

Crit mine

Paradise
#3
It's great. I to can't wait for the completed version. Good job.
#4
I like it, and the repetition of "She can't be bought on a shelf", as well as the the spoken word as the begining makes it sound like an old Irish pub song.

You can crit any of the songs in my sig you wish, please.
#6
I like the idea a lot, especially the way it is layed out. I agree with themarsvolta on the repitition BUT I would have to hear it before I could say one way or the other that ti would be, it may fit perfectly! I would love to hear this recorded in some way to see how it all comes together!

Crit Mine please!


http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...d.php?p=7112996
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...d.php?p=7045732