#1
If you missed the first installment to this possible series of stories you can find it here

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=400499

i hope everyone likes.

--The Journal--

July 31st, 1998 8:06 p.m

Like seriously, i want to know WHAT THE HELL is going on. I finally talked to the man today, though its a rather tiresome story and I'd rather just keep it in my head. Me and Ashley have decided to take a break for awhile. She told me i was moving too fast for her. In a way, im happy, it seems i have a few things to sort out in my own life, starting with him. A ghost? No, it couldnt be. God? To spend so much time on you? Dont be such a prick.

August 3rd, 1998 1:32 a.m.

Strange dream tonight, and i really dont want to forget it. I was walking along a dark path lined with trees. Ashley was there too, and...him. I felt... frightened... and hurried. Though it felt so real, or rather, he did. I couldnt walk my own speed, only his. I couldnt stop, only follow. Whenever i tried to move my own way, I was still moving in the same direction, though to me it seemed i wasnt getting anywhere. It was a feeling i never wish to feel again.

--Reality--

Cigarette. Cigarette. Cigarette.

I knew he'd be there, sitting in the same spot holding another sign. Don't trip, it said. I ran as fast as i could toward him but he just disappeared, funny though, i tripped right on the curb.


--The Journal--

August 5th, 1998 6:04 p.m.

Maybe if I'm staring straight-foward im too focused on my destination.



-Mike

think about it
Last edited by TrigFunction at Jul 29, 2006,
#3
I mucyh preferred this, the journal entries were a bit more interesting this time around, and in all I thin kit was a better piece.

Sorry for the quickness of this, I'm packing for holiday

I think you could probably change up a bit of the journal ones on the flow side of things, as I think you overused the commas a bit too much.

But, good stuff Trig, Enjoyed it. Keep this up, I'll look forward to reading two weeks of your work when I return
#4
Very intriguing, Mr. Function.

The repetition of 'cigarette' is good.

I wonder if 'him' is you, in some way.

That's all for the moment, but I'll be interested in any continuations.
#6
I like it, but not as much as the first instalment. I hope you've got more story-telling to come, 'cause this has me all interested now. Capitalise the "I"s! I like the style, still.
I gots a new 'un up if yer interested! Ro
ρ
#7
This is alright, I feel as though it is starting to lose the realness the first piece contained. The character seems to indulged in the homeless character... I wish you had the dialog parts like in the last chapter, it brought more variety. It's pretty intriguing to say the least.
#8
Absolutely gripping stuff.
In a wonderful way it's different from the first one which keeps it fresh but it also retains it feel and direction; excellent work.

I'm the sort of person who's always thinking about suff deeply anyway but this really got me going. Truly captivating.

Mind a look at my latest if you haven't already? :S I forget these things. I the sig like last time.
#10
its great
its so strange and odd put it as this vibe thats keeps me reading
that last line is amazing really it's so true for all of us
oh on the june 7th part you forgot the year

as i notice that i realized that it is going backwards in months and that is kinda erie twilight zoneish feel going foward in the story but back in time sort of very nic . don't know if that was planed but i am going to assume so, can't wait for the next piece

here is mine if you want to check out https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=402900
#12
The dates confuse me, I'm probably missing something, since I'm really tired and not all that bright anyways, but you start in late July in part one then the last journal entry is early July and then these ones are also early July...

Anyways, I really like it, keep them coming for my entertainment. I obviously have no critique as I like it just the way it is, and this is something that is yours and requires none of my input..
#13
haha, it requires everyones input just because its mine doesnt mean anything. the dates were MY FAULT everyone cause im a complete idiot and dont check things like that. There is no twilight thing going on right now. Apologies,

Mike
#14
Oh, dear Mike, I'm very sorry to say that my computer is a giant douchebag/retard. What seems to have happened is I spend awhile going over both of them and saying plenty, but my cpu decided it would be hilarious to NOT post my crit. So, what I will leave you with is:

A) This bump.
B) The re-write of my summation for both of these pieces, which follows as such: They were both very well written. You show that you are indeed adept in writting narative as the narrative portions are kept active and have plenty of imagery. The pieces as a whole are interesting, thought provoking, and creative. I'd like to know what the cigarette motiff will end up turning in to...? Lastly, I love the character you have built. He is very dynamic. It's good, and I look forward to the next piece in the series.
C) A promise for a kick ass crit on your next piece since I haven't the time to go back and fully redo both of them since I would like to get around to all of the newest ones up right now.

Love,
Carlos.
#15
thanks carlos, i really liked your piece and hope for more. Im glad you liked it and im sure the rest of this series will be up soon. I know what im pretty much gonna do with the whole thing i just got to get into the mood and feel to right, i dont want to force anything. Thanks for the crits, and promise for more.