#1
crit4crit, leave a link in case im not on, i tried to punctuate it as well as i could, but excuse my errors. the italicised parts are meant to be like whispering and distant screaming.

Take a picture of me with your mind.
In your head, remember what i said.
You'll recall it even when you're blind.
Tonight, feel my burns as i feel yours.
But from two different seashores.
I feel you breathe.

Chorus:
Am i dead?
I'm breathing but i can't feel a thing.
As i bled,
who was the one that cured my wounds?
Did she leave?
Or did my open eyes startle her?
I believe,
therefore, we become real to me.
I become real

Paint a picture of my hidden face.
Maybe then you'll understand the pain.
Find out where i'll be; the time; the place.
But even so, you won't find me there.
Close your eyes, they still say you're scared.
And feel me breathe.

Take a picture of the mirror please,
of the shattered reflection of me.
I feel your touch, that unforgiving breeze.
Let me lose myself again, again.
and no one else exists, pretend.
Pretend, believe

Repeat chorus

Phone calls blur together to confuse.
Unused wisdom becomes irrelevent.
hearts become one, so they refuse.
Identify the body that was just sent.

Repeat chorus

Can you see me? That can't be me.
Can you hold me? So it is me.
Last edited by AmplifySilence at Aug 7, 2006,
#2
your words are very visual i can see most of the things happening in the verses. I like how you incorporated whispering and distant screaming, the last lines of the d.s. reminds me of 'I am the Killer' by Thursday. I think that the title suits the song well. Even though you syllables with words didnt quite match up i.e. different seashores it would sound smoother if I heard the song being sung. other than that i think its good.
#3
crit4crit, leave a link in case im not on, i tried to punctuate it as well as i could, but excuse my errors. the italicised parts are meant to be like whispering and distant screaming.

Take a picture of me with your mind.
In your head, remember what i said.
You'll recall it even when you're blind.
Tonight, feel my burns as i feel yours.
But from two different seashores.
I feel you breathe.

i like it, but i would say have the last line as:
Though they come from different shores.


Chorus:
Am i dead?
I'm breathing but i can't feel a thing.
As i bled,
who was the one that cured my wounds?
Did she leave?
Or did my open eyes startle her?
I believe,
therefore, we become real to me.
I become real

i think the chorus is fine, i would have the 6th line down as:
Startled by my open eyes.
otherwise, theres nuthing majorly wrong with it.

Paint a picture of my hidden face.
Maybe then you'll understand the pain.
Find out where i'll be. The time. The place.
But even so, you won't find me there.
Close your eyes, they still say you're scared.
And feel me breathe.

great, no problems here, would flow better as a song i think.

Take a picture of the mirror please,
of the shattered reflection of me.
I feel your touch, that unforgiving breeze.
Let me lose myself again, again.
and no one else exists, pretend.
Pretend, believe

i would prolly have the 2nd line as:
of the shattered reflection that mirrors me
the last line id mite change to:
no one else exists, i will pretend
Repeat chorus

Phone calls blur together to confuse.
Unused wisdom becomes errelevent.
hearts become one, so they refuse.
Identify a body that was just sent.

the ending doesnt quite feel right, maybe have it as:
identify a body, once heaven-sent? it flows better like this, but its up to u obv.
Repeat chorus

Can you see me? That can't be me.
Can you hold me? So it is me.


#4
totally agree with CrashCourse, its easy to visualize what you wrote. Very good, can't crit now but i will later, for now i'll just say that's a cool song.


Cheese ...... $3.00
Coffee ...... $1.00 - $3.00
Jack Sparrow bathed in cheese and holding a cup of coffee in his hands..... Priceless
#5
why do ppl always have to write about such morbid dark things? Did Led Zeppelin? The Beatles? Why is everone so dam depressed?
#6
cause hes not led zeppelin and hes not the beatles, he can write whatever he wants


Cheese ...... $3.00
Coffee ...... $1.00 - $3.00
Jack Sparrow bathed in cheese and holding a cup of coffee in his hands..... Priceless
#7
this actually didnt strike me as depressing as alot of other things iv read. i thnk its pretty good.

"Take a picture of me with your mind.
In your head, remember what i said.
You'll recall it even when you're blind.
Tonight, feel my burns as i feel yours.
But from two different seashores."

The last line i would change, but like keep it 7 sylables tho. (idk how 2 spell "sylables" w/e.)

Neways i really liked this, idk maybe it was because of the words used, the wording and how it flowed.

pretty good.
7 maybe 8/10
#8
ok, thanx, um... takes2tokill, why change the syllables, i dont understand what you mean? explain please.
#10
Sounds good but the flow goes off here and there. Considering some of the other posts it might just be me, I couldn't picture this put to music. Good writing though.
#12
I really enjoyed reading this song. It painted a very vivid picture in my mind. I thought there was some really good wording. It was dark, but not overly dramatic. And the way it flowed was just excellent from start to finish. Keep up the good work, man.

Crit mine please

Heaven on Earth
#13
I agree with the first comment in that this song was very visual. This is a great thing in my books =]
The first verse and chorus were stunning, fantastic, 10/10 for these parts.
It reminded me of the dashboard confessional song " am i missing"
Which again, i think is great - it may be something to do with the structure of it.
Towards the end of the song, the lyrics were equally impressive but i found myself a little less interested.
Whether that is up to my short attention span or not...
All in all, brilliant. Loved the title too, and thankyou for critting on my lyrics earlier =]
franz xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#14
what kind of metal would this fall under? i think it's gonna b a good song when produced
#15
im thinking maybe nu metal, like a system style, but i dont know ... what do you think?
Last edited by AmplifySilence at Jul 31, 2006,
#17
I really loved this song, especially
"Take a picture of me with your mind.
In your head, remember what i said.
You'll recall it even when you're blind."
Great line.

I also think that the chorus is the strongest over all. 9/10
Quote by KaMiKaZi90
"Mr. Owl? How many strokes does it take to make my little man explode?"
"Lets find out! One! Two! Three!"
*Crunch*
""
#18
wow that's all i can say man really great from beginning to end i like it cuz u can really see and picture all the things ur saying great job man keep it up
#19
thanx for your crits... um, to anybody wanting me to crit back that has a link to their song in their sig, point out that its in your sig cause i have the habit of skipping people's sig. And a question: what kind of music do you i should put to this?
#20
I loved this it is awesome. The imagery is amazing. It is dark but still captures you as much as a positive happy song. Amazing job.
#22
hey i think you should make it kind of like hinder or sumtin you know make the verses all soft and acoustic and the chorus throw in the electric that's what i think great job again
#23
Great song here, and thanks for the crit on mine to. It reminds me of Thursday mixed with some Slipknot with a touch of Clash Of Days, I love it. If it was supposed to be depressing I didn't really find it all that depressing. The first verse is spectacular I love the first lines, they drew my attention into what you were getting to. It has some great imagery. The chorus was simple enough to be effective and simple enough not to get boring. The next verse has good flow to it, don't change a thing. The bridge is great except there's one or two minor interruptions in the flow of the whole thing. Overall it seemed well thought out and written so I'll reward you with a 8/10.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#24
Quote by darkenedmalice
hey i think you should make it kind of like hinder or sumtin you know make the verses all soft and acoustic and the chorus throw in the electric that's what i think great job again


hm... hadnt thought of acoustic, good idea, thanx ill think about it, ill apreciate more suggestions though...

and thanx all for your comments.
#25
wow this is some really good stuff, love the first stanza. keep it up man. I agree with changing it to "though they came from dif. shores" like suggested ^^.

the but seems to throw it off some. good work 8/10
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#27
Firstly Find out where i'll be. The time. The place. You should swap the full stops for semi-colons ( ; ). Come to think of it, do that for all in-verse commas as well, apart from the first stanza. Overall it's good writing, and the short lines in the chorus are well executed. errelevent in the last stanza should be irrelevant.
#28
Quote by Dæmönika
Firstly Find out where i'll be. The time. The place. You should swap the full stops for semi-colons ( ; ). Come to think of it, do that for all in-verse commas as well, apart from the first stanza. Overall it's good writing, and the short lines in the chorus are well executed. errelevent in the last stanza should be irrelevant.

cool, thanx.
#29
Quote by AmplifySilence
crit4crit, leave a link in case im not on, i tried to punctuate it as well as i could, but excuse my errors. the italicised parts are meant to be like whispering and distant screaming.

Take a picture of me with your mind.
In your head, remember what i said.
You'll recall it even when you're blind.
Tonight, feel my burns as i feel yours.
But from two different seashores.
I feel you breathe.
Hmmm the rhyme in this is great. love the internal rhyme in the second line. Good emotion

Chorus:
Am i dead?
I'm breathing but i can't feel a thing.
As i bled,
who was the one that cured my wounds?
Did she leave?
Or did my open eyes startle her?
I believe,
therefore, we become real to me.
I become real
Again. love the emotion, the flow of this just makes it seem really smooth and natural too.

Paint a picture of my hidden face.
Maybe then you'll understand the pain.
Find out where i'll be; the time; the place.
But even so, you won't find me there.
Close your eyes, they still say you're scared.
And feel me breathe.
Love this line, it has the same basic layout as the first line, but it fits well.

Take a picture of the mirror please,
of the shattered reflection of me.
I feel your touch, that unforgiving breeze.
Let me lose myself again, again.
and no one else exists, pretend.
Pretend, believe
This is another great line, the flow and emotion are the best here.

Repeat chorus

Phone calls blur together to confuse.
Unused wisdom becomes irrelevent.
hearts become one, so they refuse.
Identify the body that was just sent.
Hmm with my interpretation of this, man, i love it, i recently had a relative die, and it reminds me about it. about the blurred phone calls, and all.

Repeat chorus

Can you see me? That can't be me.
Can you hold me? So it is me.
Nice ending, not bad, not great, just is you know?


Overall...i really really liked this song. The imagery flow and emotion in it were outstanding.
#32
omg, that rocked some anal man! i love this! it should be a song though, not a poem....it would sound great with music...everything fits right....other than grammer errors, i dont see anything wrong

peace out
UG's HIPPIE
#33
i thought i said it was a song... lol... anyways thanx, i think im gonna go for like a soft metal. is that possible? i mean like distortion and all that but not too hard
#34
i agree with what the first bloke said youre words are visual. you can see what is happening. you could turn all youre songs into one big story i think that would be great but thats me i'm a coheed fan and i think you could pull it off. i got a story line song but it's blatant and pretty much an obvious story. but it's a great song love the visual and description of everything