#1
Another idea from me. Leave a link if you please.

---------------------------------------

I only knew this man by letter;
Pen-friends since the age of five
Brought together by destiny.

It began as a school education project
To enhance our literary skills,
But little could these teachers know
What else they could create.

It was an exceptional feeling
To love someone I?d never met;
But my heart was in no doubt;

And I dotted every ?i? with a sphere of affection;
And I crossed every ?t? with a stroke of fondness.

Eventually came that inevitable time
When there was mutual desire to meet;
So we arranged a date, time and place.

I stood on the platform at midday
As the slow-train approached;
And the thunder on the tracks
Echoed the nervousness in my soul.

An angelic figure in a doorway;
A heavenly voice speaking my name;
A strong step off the train;

But he certainly didn?t look
As I had hoped.
Last edited by CJW at Jul 27, 2006,
#2
Impressive once more.

Can't find a fault, except line 5- are or our ?

Very nice stuff, CJW. I'm glad I got to see another before I left for France.
#3
Good stuff man, I cannot really find a problem with it mate.

Well done
#4
I might have just passed by if you didn't have (basically) Subterranean Homesick Blues in your name.

I agree, I thought it was quite decent. Was put off a little by the lack of rhyme/obvious rhythm but got over that quickly. Quite Dylan-esque. One thought, the "dot the i's, cross the t's" thing is a little cliche (which is great sometimes, I love cliche's, cause they're descriptive) but I just felt like "ah man, you can do better than that" for that part.

Other than that, extremely solid.
- PunkFish
#6
awesome.


And I dotted every ?i? with a sphere of affection;
And I crossed every ?t? with a stroke of fondness

wonderful.
i need to get a better signature.
#7
Aw, that's a disappointing ending. The title's good.
You loved a bloke, eh? :S
Parts of this are written maybe too matter-of-factly or something. Then other parts seem a little overdone in terms of flowery-ness, i.e. "echoed the nervousness in my soul".
I enjoyed it, anyway. Got one in my sig if you're interested. Cheers, Ro
ρ
#8
I found this decent, but nothing too exceptional to be honest. The first few stanza I found very boring, just too blatent, especially Stanza #2. The dotted i's lines are very cliche but not completely attrocious, I actually kinda liked them. I really started enjoying the poem at the part at the platform, but then was really disappointed when it was over so soon. I like the title alot, it is very fitting.

I would enjoy a crit if you will, you seem to be well respected around these parts Disolved Oxygen Levels in the Amoxicillin - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=402045
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#9
I like the concept on this one, pen pals.... don't really see songs about that. Original ideas always make the piece better... and this was good as far as writing goes. I'm not huge on the last two lines, but if this a poem it should be fine I think. Either way, I enjoyed reading it. It was pretty easy to read and follow along to. Good job
#10
it was interesting. As i was reading I kept expecting a relation to internet predators of today, but just as pen pals of in older days. But it's not how it turned out. But i thought this was interesting. I'm fairly certain you are a male. so is this written from a female perspective or from a homosexual perspective? I suppose it doesn't matter very much. But i think the homosexual throws in a different twist on things. I did like the line mention crossing my 'i's with a perfect sphere or something along those lines.

On another note i've been away for about a month and a half and it's nice to see a familiar name.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#11
i loved the ending, i personaly have been in that situation

But he certainly didn?t look
As I had hoped.

i give it a 9/10
#13
Cheers to all, I'll get round to lookin' at some soon.

This is written from a female perspective, although it's for no special reason.
#14
Excellent piece. You have a great title there too. Great stuff CJ.

I didn't like some lines such as "Brought together by destiny" but otherwise it was well written and stuck/lived up to the theme tremendously well. I reckon if you just iron out those slightly creased lines it'll be much better.

Getting in touch with our feminine side eh? Good stuff mate.

Care to share a few thoughts with my latest in my sig please? Cheers.
#15
Hahahahaha, for a second there I thought this was about you discovering your sexual identity . Simply written, pretty original subject matter. I really liked that name/train half rhyme there near the end.
#16
Nice one, I like it. Especially as everyone's said, that cliche.

Crit my newest one?
Quote by Keef-is-king
Seinfeld: The Video Game

It'd be a game about nothing. But it would be fantastic, better than the Sims by far because there would be more jews.
#17
yeah, same over here, enjoyed it, good writing, good song, cool ending, i thought it was really good so i dont have much to say or crit

can you take a look at mine? theres a link in my sig