#1
(any feedback would be nice.)


I found you on the ground
Under a pile of everything
The storm had ripped from your home

On the road, in the street,
Doing whatever in your room.
No difference really, you have no home

But your corner of the world,
Your broken down treehouse.

I don?t need to be told that something?s not right
I can tell from your wandering eyes
And the way you cling to others.

I just want to lift you up
Back to your branches
You ask why we show concern
Its because
He listens out for any leaves fallen to the ground

(repeat above)

Every tear is watering
Something beautiful
Something strong
Something that keeps pushing on

Together we can pull away the parasites
i need to get a better signature.
#2
this is like tons of **** just thrown together i can't even understand what you saying or trying to say with this
If you want to shine like the sun first you must burn like it.
#3
ok.

heres a clue. leaf = metaphor for a person.
i need to get a better signature.
#4
so someone fell out of there house we taken from there home, and i suspect that theyre tramatized by it and you trying to help them somehow???

i don't really know but you have an interesting approach to the writting style wich is good...

think you could glance at my [no title]?
If you want to shine like the sun first you must burn like it.
#5
ok heres the meaning.

basically its for a lot of my friends (the leaves) who have had hard years, PROBLEMS (the storm reference, and the treehouse which represents broken innocence) and because of those, they dont feel like, or seem like, they belong anywhere (the 2nd stanza). the narrator is saying he wants to help them, he is afraid of losing them because they are so delicate.

its basically meant to be a message of hope for people who feel like leaves, ripped from their home by a storm and fallen.

and the 'He' is God.

i want to write songs to help people, but if people cant understand my lyrics, then its not really going to be all that successful...
i need to get a better signature.
#6
you've got some good stuff in here so don't be discourageds its just that at first i thought it was about storm then i thought maybe it was about a girl you liked or something.... one way to fix this is to "center" this you know, hmm i mean like making it more clear and more whole you know? but don't worry to much the longer the right the better you will get... and hey could you crit my [no title] if you haven't?
If you want to shine like the sun first you must burn like it.
#7
I think this was nice and obscure which i like, however i thought this was a bit dodgy in places. For example in the second stanza, it's just awful. However there were good bits in this but i'm sorry to say that they were in short supply.

I think the intent was there to do this and you had a good idea for the theme of this but you certainly didn't do it justice. It was a step in the right direction though.

Can you look at my latest please? It's in my sig.
#8
Quote by caz_guitar_dude
I think this was nice and obscure which i like, however i thought this was a bit dodgy in places. For example in the second stanza, it's just awful. However there were good bits in this but i'm sorry to say that they were in short supply.

I think the intent was there to do this and you had a good idea for the theme of this but you certainly didn't do it justice. It was a step in the right direction though.
.


thanx dude, could u tell me which bits were good, which bits were bad?
i need to get a better signature.
#9
I nice piece of writing, has room for potential. It also has a very nice meaning too. "The way you cling to others" made me feel a bit awkward to read, not quite sure why, just doesn't feel right. "He listens out for any leaves fallen to the ground" Is a very nice metaphore. Good effort this, well done. =]


If you have time could you comment my "Blood is thicker than water and tastes nicer too." Thanks.
Last edited by Phelix at Jul 28, 2006,
#10
Quote by MATTTHEMOP
(any feedback would be nice.)


I found you on the ground
Under a pile of everything
The storm had ripped from your home
This stanza was ok, although you could probably do with rewording the first two lines to make them a bit more interesting.
On the road, in the street,
Doing whatever in your room.
No difference really, you have no home
This was bad. It's just the last two lines really; they're extremely bland.
But your corner of the world,
Your broken down treehouse.
This was ok.
I don?t need to be told that something?s not right
I can tell from your wandering eyes
And the way you cling to others.
You had a good idea here but didn't pull it off methinks. Reword.
I just want to lift you up
Back to your branches
You ask why we show concern
Its because
He listens out for any leaves fallen to the ground
Brilliant.
(repeat above)

Every tear is watering
Something beautiful
Something strong
Something that keeps pushing on
Quite good.
Together we can pull away the parasites
Ok.


There you are.
#12
I prett much agree with everything caz said.
But also I liked the song alot more once you explained it. The metaphor seemed to have gotten lost in all that you said, it ended up just sounding like aboy had his tree house ripped to the ground in a powerful storm, the tree broken, and then you were watering the tree with your tears. Maybe try to fit in some of the things you said in your explanaton into the song

Here is my latest, please crit, it has 24 effin views and not crits, it involves a metaphor just as your does. I just don't think anyone is getting it as a whole or something.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=402453
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead