#1
(Omegavolt)




Beside Myself & With The Guilty



Two From The End




A young man stared up at me from the shallows
While I, kneeling, reflected on what I'd seen.
Around these rocks ran a reef and within
The rock was a women's prison - high-walled
And said to be impregnable. That shallow
Water shimmered and rippled as two swimmers
Passed me by - a couple.

Even and against the cloudy, chalk-white sky they
Looked, pale as ghosts and their images wavered,
It seemed, as they swam. A wide, concrete
Waste-pipe gaped in their wake and then, the
Diffusion began.



#4
A very interesting piece indeed. Although i was entranced by the imagery, the constant complex sentences and hyphens did make it a bit stuttery. Whether this was intentional i don't know but it did mess up the flow or not, but of course, this isn't ncessarily a bad thing; it could be to link with the theme.

Anyhow, extremely thought provoking. There's something about you Irish

Can you look at my latest please? In the sig.
#5
'lo Ro'.

Is this related to 'Omegavolt' - a sequel or continuation perhaps?

Pretty decent here. I'm a big fan of your descriptive work - you set the scene very nicely at times. 'Chalk-white skies' - perhaps something overlooked by many writers.

Is that an intended pun on 'reflected'. If so, it's nice.

An intriguing finale. Your use of tools such as assonace and internal rhyming throughout is good.
#6
Hey, CJ! Cheers, I was hoping someone would bump this

This is related to Omegavolt (if you wish), but it's exact relation to that piece shall remain as mysterious as possible. The clues are (t)here, though. It's nothing remarkable, anyway. Heh, nice to know people are appreciating some of the puns.
Thanks muchos man
ρ
#7
I really like the imagery you have here, especially the woman's prison line, as a few others have said, is very clever. I didn't really like the image of the huge concrete Waste-Pipe, as that seemed to throw me off a bit, but overall although very short, I enjoyed reading it.

If you could crit mine I'd appreciate it https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=402453
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#8
yeah good job on making me think, and good job on the son too man. R u like putting it to music, im guessing no, but are you?
Last edited by AmplifySilence at Jul 30, 2006,
#9
I would say instead of repeating the word "rock" in the 4th line, I would say "that stone", that's up to you of course, but I didn't like the repetitiveness of rock. I really like the alliteration in line 3. The last line of the first stanza is worded weirdly, I would say "by me". the second stanza flowed very beautifully. great imagery as well. This was a very good, clever piece.