#1
Alright, I'm going to make this rather clear - if you've got a piece that needs to be critiqued, either PM me or leave a comment. I don't feel like hunting for pieces this week (a mixture of laziness and me having to move for college).

Not your father's religion:

+++

Dialogos

Everything in sacred circumscription,

The lacquered statues and gothic contours
Stretch Grace across mutations of the Faith.
Where I denied you is where I had said,

?Throw my penitent ashes ?round and ?round,
Thrusting fingers black from the censer?s wake.?

And You replied with synthesized trumpets ?
With the fleshy pealing of the White Christ.

I am kissing trinkets and sandy toes,
Paving the burning roads to tar-wrapped Rome
With withering palm-branches as crosses
And diametrical supplication.
Painted in icons, a dripping finger
Drags its crowned corpse across a saint?s visage,
Arcing ruthlessly over fading brows.

?I Protest,? You whisper through the zephyr,
A sweet scent writhing through this bitter husk.

I of symbols and of spirals retort:
?We pray: Our Father, Who art empiricist??
The words flicker from the abstracted Feast
To those, the Revelation?s blinking host,
That gorge upon an incongruent world.

Watching the sublunary spheres fall aside,
The spectrum-arch slips down, bearing new light.
#2
not really a reading to my liking, only because my vocabulary is so little, but what I can make out its a good piece, religion? never really wrote about religion, I only put subtle hints of religion in my writings, of them. But I think its just a matter of me not understanding this poem cause I am a moron, but hey the bits I understand do sound good, reminds me of slayer with all the big words and what not.
anybody wanna put anything here just let me know
#3
In a remarkable stroke of luck I lost about half of what I'd written here when my browser window closed suddenly and inexplicably.


Dialogos

Ah...some greek. Converse...to converse?
Everything in sacred circumscription,

The lacquered statues and gothic contours
Stretch Grace across mutations of the Faith.
Where I denied you is where I had said,

Nice internal rhyme / assonance in the first line; "lacquered statues...gothic contours". Having read the rest of this piece it seems laden with allusion to archaic design and architecture; celtic and gothic, anyway. Gothic cathedrals have statues around the outside of them, don't they? I suppose 'lacquered' here means more a 'glossing' (over?). I could be way off the mark(s) with all this...

?Throw my penitent ashes ?round and ?round,
Thrusting fingers black from the censer?s wake.?

Penitent ashes...repentance in death? The censer holds the burning incense, right? Swung 'round by the priest at mass. Seems in keeping with "sacred circumscription", which you mentioned earlier. I find the meaning of these lines pretty tricky to decipher, though I know what they literally mean, of course. Good descriptive work, anyway, with "censer's wake".

And You replied with synthesized trumpets ?
With the fleshy pealing of the White Christ.

A spot of punnage going on here, it seems. Pealing; bells ringing? Mirthful chiming, whatever. When juxtaposed with "fleshy" I think there's certainly an inclination to read as "peeling". Charming imagery, it has to be said. The 'white christ'. The only connotations *I* know of this having are with the Norse of old. Something about either white baptismal robes, or the Norse seeing Christ as being effeminate and cowardly, associated with 'white' somehow, in the lingo of their time. (Seeing as Christ was anything but white in complexion). I think 'lily-livered' is a supposed to be a good approximation of how someone would be dubbed likewise in the lingo of our time. When you say synthesised trumpets it connotes 'contrived' in some way to me. Contrived pealing, or mirthful chiming, etc. Forced laughter or rejoicing, even? Maybe I'm wrong about 'synthesised' though.
I guess I should comment on the capitalization of "You". I'm kinda hestitant to believe you're addressing some sort of sipirtual deity or anything here because, well, that would seem too obvious, or something. It seems to me to be far more likely that you address some layman and/or mortal with capitalized "you" perhaps as some ironic twist.

I am kissing trinkets and sandy toes,
Paving the burning roads to tar-wrapped Rome
With withering palm-branches as crosses
And diametrical supplication.
Painted in icons, a dripping finger
Drags its crowned corpse across a saint?s visage,
Arcing ruthlessly over fading brows.

I think this stanza gives me most trouble to really understand. "Kissing trinkets" - Nice assonance there, even some sibilance and consonance. It's a cool-sounding phrase. I really don't get "burning roads to tar-wrapped Rome". Nice consonance, though. Unless burning roads can be read in the same sense as burning bridges. But to pave them? Seems paradoxical. Heh, nice work on that. I actually find myself reading that phrase as a spoonerism too...to war-trapped Rome. I suppose the mentioning of Rome would suggest to me that you deal with Roman Catholicism in some way here. Heh. Diametrical supplication, eh? Again in keeping with the circumscription idea. At first I merely read diametrical in the more geometrical sense, but really I suppose it could be read to mean 'contrary' or 'opposing'. Which would be consistent with the paradox you had going on with "paving the burning roads" and even with "spectrum" which you mention later on. I suppose icons can be read two ways, also. Either symbols or idols. "Over fading brows"...over hills? The word "Arcing" on the last line of the stanza seems significant in that it's consistent with a lot of the other terminology and ideas in the rest of the poem. Don't ask me what the last three lines of this stanza are supposed to / could mean, though. They have me stumped.

?I Protest,? You whisper through the zephyr,
A sweet scent writhing through this bitter husk.

Given the use of one greek word already in the poem I suppose "zephyr" is significant. God of the West Wind? Also, when I read "husk" it for the same reason seems to bring the word "Kalypsis" to my mind. What with the religious themes in the poem so far and all. The fact that you use west wind at all would in opposition to that imply the presence of something eastern, or at least not western. After all, the term 'west' would be pretty superfluous without the presence or at least existence of something 'east'. Again, I don't claim any real understanding of what this stanza is actually supposed to mean...

I of symbols and of spirals retort:
?We pray: Our Father, Who art empiricist??
The words flicker from the abstracted Feast
To those, the Revelation?s blinking host,
That gorge upon an incongruent world.

Could gorge be read as a noun here rather than a verb? "Who art empiricist" - I can't help this nagging feeling that here you aren't referring to our Father as in our God, but rather some less holy figure that might be addressed as "Father", i.e. a priest or a parent. I think the "who art empiricist" phrase makes me suspect this.
When you say "symbols" and particularly "spirals", for me it brings to mind celtic / la téne art/design/architecture etc., with the cultures to which they belonged being largely pagan, if that has any relevance at all. Again, I could be way off the mark in assuming these allusions though. The mentioning of "Revelation" again causes me to consider "husk" and it's relation to "Kalypsis". I don't really get "Revelation's blinking host", though. Host quite likely refers to communion bread, which is usually circular. Would squared circles have any relevance here? Taking 'incongruency' into account, like. You mention spirals; anything to do with Archimedes? It was greek mathematicians who first tried to square the circle, so maybe that explains why you've a few greek words in here. I guess this is "sacred circumscription" rearing its head again.

Watching the sublunary spheres fall aside,
The spectrum-arch slips down, bearing new light.

Sublunary; of this world. Material? Mortal? To me, sphere seems possibly a reference to land; a kingdom or domain, as opposed to some geometric body/shape, etc. Maybe. Spheres of control or influence is always another interpretation. Spheres of thought? Spectrums invariably have opposite sides, but not necessarily always any convergance in the middle. Perhaps that phrase and maybe even the piece as a whole deals with an overcoming of some sort of opposition in ideological, theological or political disagreement, incongruency, whatever. To converge; to commune? Or maybe a de-polarization in one's own school of thought. I think you mentioned before something about it being possible to represent nearly everything through some manner of curve/circle/spiral/whatever. (Out of curiosity, may of I ask what you study (or teach) at college? You seem a huge fan of curves; what with your username starting with "parabo-" and everything). Maybe this piece is just about the 'divinity' of such curves. To be honest, I don't really know. Most of this poem went over my head. Maybe some disambiguation is in order. Depends what you want your poetry to be and to whom you want it to be that to.

Well, doubtless this is impressive writing. Personally, with all my fumbling about in the dark with it, I found it a bit of a chore, but I'm sure there are those who would relish such a read. So, yeah, I've got a short piece in my sig if you're interested in giving it a look.
Cheers, Ro
ρ
Last edited by scousertommy at Jul 28, 2006,
#4
Hey, just letting everyone know that I'm moving, hence going off-line for two days. So (!), I will most definitely pay back all crits (especially Ro - I've owe you twice) and, perhaps, illuminate this piece a little more.

Anyway, my thanks to Ro and societies_worm.