#1
I poem or song I wrote in about two hours about a truly stunning girl. In truth I think poem is way to simple and needs to be expanded.

(Means sung at the same time as the line above)[Means sung at the same time as the to lines above]
A Smile

Verse

My eyes meet your beauty, tragically
You have, stunned me, drastically
A smile, made me, kneel to you
And wonder, the possibilities,
Of sparks, starting to burn

Chorus

Bloom a rose, and make a rotten apple ripe,
Wither me to your desire?s,
So I become, a true attraction,
With a glued fixation

Bridge

My weakness glows
Onto your blouse
Giving
My Weakness glows
(My lips meet yours)
Onto your blouse
(Onto your face)
Giving
(Telling)
My Weakness glows
(My lips meet yours)
[My hearts sticks firm]
Onto your blouse
(Onto your face)
[Onto your breasts]
Giving
(Telling)
[Firmly]

Interlude

My hearts sticks Firm
My hearts sticks Firm
Onto your breasts
Firmly

Chorus

Bloom a rose, and make a rotten apple ripe
Wither me to your desire?s,
So I become, a true attraction,
With a glued fixation
#3
I liked all of it except for the interlude, which seemed a little too blunt, and a bit incomplete. The Bridge was a little disconnecting as well because of all the parentheses, but overall was good.

One line I didn't like was the "make a rotten apple ripe", which I understand turing soemthing completely around, but a rotten apple in reality ripens faster and I don't think that was what you were going for

Plese crit mine, it has 24 views yet no crits, I don't think people get it you know. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=402453
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead