#1
Gone for something a bit different with this one...
but meh...

There's loneliness inside my head
It smothers my soul
And all the secrets she kept from you,
Are locked away in a draw
With a picture of a girl I knew
Lost a long time ago
Burnt out like a TV set
Burnt out on loving you

Just go with the flow
Don't throw it all away
We've only got..
So many heartbeats to waste...

I hear them call my name
I just stare at my feet
Sticks and stone will break my bones
But words will pierce my skin

Just go with the flow
Don't throw it all away
We've only got..
So many heartbeats to waste...
Blah.
Last edited by JeffJefferson at Jul 28, 2006,
#2
Quote by JeffJefferson
Gone for something a bit different with this one...
but meh...

There's loneliness inside my head
It smothers my soul
And all the secrets she kept from you,
Are locked away in a draw
With a picture of a girl I knew
Lost a long time ago
Burnt out like a TV set
Burnt out on loving you

I really like the flow at this point, creative ryhmes, and the repetition is well used. Good stanza
EDIT oh I just noticed it should definately be drawer it can still ryhme without misspelling it you know.


Just go with the flow
Don't throw it all away
We've only got..
So many heartbeats to waste...

Really catchy, good message, makes an excellent chorus

I hear them call my name
I just stare at my feet
Sticks and stone will break my bones
But words will pierce my skin

I'm not gonna lie and say I didn't cringe horribly at that sticks and stones line, which is SO cliche, not the cliche itself but also changing the cliche is cliche by now. You can do much better. Bad stanza.

Just go with the flow
Don't throw it all away
We've only got..
So many heartbeats to waste...


Overall it was pretty good, two really good stanzas and one you should probably scrap altogether. It's a good start, but with just a verse and a chorus you'll need more of course. Good Job so far.

Crit mine please https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=402453
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
Last edited by Knife2aGunFight at Jul 28, 2006,
#4
i really enjoyed the opening stanza, i thought it's one of the strongest parts i've seen from you. however i do think that the rest needs a bit of work. i think that there's potential within this piece.
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#5
ye i know what u mean about the 'sticks and stones' line...

its even making me cringe after reading it today

but thanks for those guys...

i ll try and crit back sometime today, if not tomorrow...
Blah.