#1
With a ocean of land in-between
The only thing we have is the path from
The city sky line to the tops of the trees
As they dance like ballerinas on the stage of landscape

And now the river that you swim in
Flows through my kitchen sink
I will drink it all up
And again you will make me sick
Not from the usual nervousness
But my bodies dependency

We both know this is not permanent or even long term
But this is enough to lose sleep
And kick the covers
Until we lose the battle to sleep

The moments that we miss
Will only make for fabricated stories
Were we will both leave out the melancholy
But we both know its there
In-between every word we say

We both know this is not permanent or even long term
But this is enough to distracted
And keep us thinking about the day
When we return to the past
#2
Quote by frd_marshll

The good thing about this is that it the first lines made me want to actually read it

With a ocean of land in-between
The only thing we have is the path from
The city sky line to the tops of the trees
As they dance like ballerinas on the stage of landscape

I like this alot, maybe just "stages of landscape"

And now the river that you swim in
Flows through my kitchen sink
I will drink it all up
And again you will make me sick
Not from the usual nervousness
But my bodies dependency

Found sink line strange but good. Seems unessesarily wordy. Maybe remove bodies or change dependency to depencence

We both know this is not permanent or even long term
But this is enough to lose sleep
And kick the covers
Until we lose the battle to sleep

huh? Again a bit wordy maybe just
Enough to lose sleep over
we'll kick off the covers
until efforts are futile; sleep endeavors


The moments that we miss
Will only make for fabricated stories
Were we will both leave out the melancholy
But we both know its there
In-between every word we say

Love fabricated, follows from the covers line maybe at teh end
it hides between covers
nessled in every word we say


We both know this is not permanent or even long term
But this is enough to distracted
And keep us thinking about the day
When we return to the past

Wordy again.

Enough to distract
brought reminders of the past
mornings we lived in last


Overall it was good though. Enough to make me think of ways to make it better for myself. crit mine if you will. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=402453
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#3
Love it, has a dallas green/city in color feel to it. Great scenery, great message, great writing.
#4
Quote by blinnk16
Love it, has a dallas green/city in color feel to it. Great scenery, great message, great writing.


thats who inspired it and thats were the name came from

i was listening to Hello, I'm In Delaware and i just grabbed my guitar and wrote this song. its my first real song

its about my girlfriend being on vacation and how i miss her
i am a loser i know
#5
Aha I had forgotten I read the title and that reminded me of dallas green, besides I was listening to alexisonfire, so that helps. Nah you atleast have a girlfriend And Purple Is good.
#7
Quote by frd_marshll
With a ocean of land in-between
The only thing we have is the path from
The city sky line to the tops of the trees
As they dance like ballerinas on the stage of landscape

aww, this is cute. it's about someone you miss, right? i love the imagery here, the fourth line is amazing. nothing i've ever heard before, nice flow, descriptions. great start

And now the river that you swim in
Flows through my kitchen sink
I will drink it all up
And again you will make me sick
Not from the usual nervousness
But my bodies dependency

i thought this was too bland compared to the previous stanza. first two lines are ok, but i didn't like the other four lines. i think you can do better than this, put some imagery in again, a metaphor, something

We both know this is not permanent or even long term
But this is enough to lose sleep
And kick the covers
Until we lose the battle to sleep

better again, i like this. first line might not be one of your best, but it's not bad either. i like the message here, the whole sleep thing. nothing special, but a good stanza non the less.

The moments that we miss
Will only make for fabricated stories
Were we will both leave out the melancholy
But we both know its there
In-between every word we say

loved this. not much to say here, didn't find anything to comment on..

We both know this is not permanent or even long term
But this is enough to distracted
And keep us thinking about the day
When we return to the past

again, first line, but the other lines are good. last line is fantastich, wraps it up really well. overall, i liked this poem a lot, it was cute, maybe a bit too wordy or not up to your standards at some points, but it's a good poem, and i enjoyed reading it. keep it up and thanks for getting to mine!


qds
#8
i dont like

But this is enough to lose sleep
And kick the covers
Until we lose the battle to sleep

with using sleep twice, it seems like you had no other word to use,

The moments that we miss
Will only make for fabricated stories
Were we will both leave out the melancholy
But we both know its there
In-between every word we say

this was the best bit i think, i loved the use of the word fabricated,

overall i think its pretty good, but just check it over to iron out the creases


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PSN: Noverion