#1
An exodus, of you from my physical memory;
I emptied out my garbage,
thus removing all hope of ever seeing
the words you wrote down with love.
Well, that?s what I told you.

My last thought of you is one of idiocy
and ignorance.
Your last of me is one of betrayal,
though I did nothing wrong.
You did, it was your fault.

I was drunk anyways, what was I supposed to do?

I hate you now; I watch you clamber around
attempting to find a new group of friends,
starting high and ending low.
I can?t believe the things I thought up
for you, the things I dreamed
for you.
Fuck you.

As hard as it is for me to say it sums up my feelings:
Fuck you and your vengeance. It hurts.
After what you said, you said, you said
you couldn?t.
But you did, not with me.

Fuck you; god I wished I could.
Last edited by jamminbass at Jul 28, 2006,
#2
Well this started high and ended low. Low, as in really immature. You can do better than a bunch of F-bombs, they add nothing to it, it is how the igorant coommunicate. I liked the beginning alot however.

Crit mine if you have time, but read the second version of it, or both if you want: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=402453
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#3
hi.
I agree, nothing wrong if you need to use "f*ck" and it fits with the emotional level created by the song. But it needs to compliment or fit with the emotional level, not be used to create it. I have nothing against cussin' but indescriminate use just makes it seem like you are trying to hard. I'm not trying to be nasty or anything, but, I need to tell you my honest opinion for you to get anything worthwhile out of a critique.

Maybe I'm traditionalist, but I like songs to have good movement, be rhythmic and rhyme, or at least the first two. I found yours didn't do that, and I wasn't exactly sure of the subject or why I should care. This means you need to pay more attention to thinking of exactly what your trying to communicate and do so clearly. This isn't to suggest stating the obvious or being literal because some ambiguity and vagueness (if that's a word) are very good things.

Also, while I'm thinking of wondering if vagueness is a word, I'm fairly sure Thusly isn't, and I really don't think the extra syllable adds that much. Thus, I suggest you stick to thus.

Hope this helps.
Cheers,
- PunkFish
#4
Thank you both for your critiques and I'll try to get to yours.

I'm not responding to the first comment as I know it's just your opinion and as much as I appreciate it I disagree as you don't see the vast meaning behind the word fuck in this. I don't exactly expect you to as I didn't reveal it.

To the second comment: it's a poem, straight up. Not a song. I think that the emotional level of the poem was at a high when I first used the poetically controversial word, and if not, well...whatever. In the last line I used "**** you; god I wished I could" because the person who this is aimed towards was under religious bonds regarding sexual intercourse. So here the word almost has a double meaning. Also because of her religion she was against all swearing. This is why I used the words so many times.

Ok I'm changing 'thusly' to thus, because I agree the extra syllable is unnecessary. But it is a word...a controversial one. Look it up on dictionary.com.

Thank you though, I hope you read that reply in a neutral tone rather than a defensive one, because I didn't mean to get defensive. Do you have one you want me to crit?
Last edited by jamminbass at Jul 28, 2006,