#1
Verse 1
On the other side of the tracks she lives
in a box that used to house a fridge
a ripped up tarpaulin is her roof.
Magazines that no one else will read
cover the ground around her feet
they don't do much to stop the damp.

Chorus
If you saw the things that she'd seen
You'd understand why she'd leave
You'd see a box become a castle

Verse 2
Every night she'd drown her hopes in tears
afraid to speak for fifteen years
but eventually enough's enough.
Two foster homes with drunks and then
she finds herself under a bridge
finally feeling like she can safely sleep

Chorus
If you saw the things that she'd seen
You'd understand why she'd leave
You'd see a box become a castle


let me know what you think. thanks.
- PunkFish
#2
Nice strory, I think it needs more though, and I think you just created a problem but you did not solve it, leaving the reader disappointed and wanting more. Finish her story.

and if you have time crit mine, There is a second version att eh bottem of the page that I'd prefer you'd read if you do: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=402453
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#4
Verse 1
On the other side of the tracks she lives
in a box that used to house a fridge
a ripped up tarpaulin is her roof.
Magazines that no one else will read
cover the ground around her feet
they don't do much to stop the damp.

Amazing, tells a story nicely and has no real down points. I really enjoy the magazines part, beutiful. Keep it the way it is

Chorus
If you saw the things that she'd seen
You'd understand why she'd leave
You'd see a box become a castle

I Dont really get this part, has she gone crazy or something? I wouldnt know, since i'm not you. Id add a part to show whats happening to her.


Verse 2
Every night she'd drown her hopes in tears
afraid to speak for fifteen years
but eventually enough's enough.
Two foster homes with drunks and then
she finds herself under a bridge
finally feeling like she can safely sleep

I didnt really like this verse as much as the first, it doesnt seem to have the same "catchy" scheme and beat that I picture. I would take out "then" after the drunks part, and just leave it with and. But you ended it nicely

Over all, you wouldnt need to change much, just a couple very small things, excellent work! 8/10


reminds me of red hot moon