#1
wrote it too fast, probably a piece of crap
crit for crit.


cut out of the picture again
she goes down easy like cheap champagne
maybe ill glue myself in this time

pushed out of the scene
she moves on through like a machine
broken down on fuel.

If only she was secure with herself
and she could take it all
if only
she was real.

friday nights the drinks are free
drunken kids in a forest is a guarentee
roads down so take the stairs

If only she was secure with herself
and she could take it all
if only
she was real

If only I was secure with myself
if I could take it all
to bad
she isnt real.
#2
i like it, it vaguely reminds me of my f**k buddy that just recently moved. especially drunken kids in the forest, it just clicks! if i was rating you, id give you a 9.
nothing left to write,

kevin
#3
I like it.

umm...I really don't know what else to say, sorry I can't be constructive...it's good though.
Quote by Corwinoid
Metal doesn't hold hands, it gets head in the van before the show. Seriously.

Originally posted by tyler 417 714
Quote by (-) Ions
There's a band called tool?

Quote by NewWaves
People still watch MTV?
#4
Screech, a specific rule is not to just say "i like it". People don't put songs on here just to entertain, they put them on here to share and get feedback from other people in the same boat. Now, go get in danger so your bell can come save you.

cut out of the picture again
she goes down easy like cheap champagne
maybe ill glue myself in this time

Nice. The cheap champagne thing is a little cheesy though, to be honest but sometimes, cheese is what you need to say what you need to say. I also wasn't sure how the going down like champagne relates to being cut out of the picture. I think this verse should be twice as long just to make the transition of ideas smoother.

pushed out of the scene
she moves on through like a machine
broken down on fuel.

Alright, I don't know her, but I bet you could refine this metaphor a little bit. I bet if you just take a few minutes you'll be able to find something relating to the machine a little better that describes her more accurately, and interestingly. Just a thought.

If only she was secure with herself
and she could take it all
if only
she was real.

This and the last two stanza's confused me. Or at least the second last. If she's not secure with herself, she wouldn't be moving through like a machine, which I picture to be loud, awkward, random and explosive; not the traits of insecurity. Maybe I'm wrong, but if it were up to me, I would get rid of this whole stanza and start again, it just doesn't seem to fit to me.

friday nights the drinks are free
drunken kids in a forest is a guarentee
roads down so take the stairs

I find this catchy. It's simplistic, which isn't a bad thing, and is kinda bouncy, a bit of a shift in tone. Refreshing, keep it, just make sure that it fits with the mood of the rest of the song.

Overall, I thought it was a decent song. I would suggest the ideas of each stanza be developed more fully, and perhaps merge some stanza's together to help work on the logical progression of ideas. Other than that, well done.

Cheers,
- PunkFish
#5
wow...good call. way to take that from 1000s of other people EVERYWHERE.

Now would you like me to point you in the direction of the counless replies that only say "great job" or "nice lyrics"? I'm not the only one who does it so don't jump down my throat about it.
Quote by Corwinoid
Metal doesn't hold hands, it gets head in the van before the show. Seriously.

Originally posted by tyler 417 714
Quote by (-) Ions
There's a band called tool?

Quote by NewWaves
People still watch MTV?