#1
A Closed Door

The broken toothed talkers have been laid to rest.
Watch the night pack its cases and run.
The extrovert has given up trying to impress
And the hunter has laid down his gun.

The poet's muse beckons him to an early grave
With oblivious glares and sealed lips.
My non-existent lover declines being one to save
What was left of my hopes with a kiss.

Conversations with ghosts become all that remains
In the snowstorms and hail which taunt.
The armies of yearning are battered down in vain,
Now their scars are all they have to flaunt.

Nails carve deathly melodies down the walls of this pit
Whilst ships in the distance set sail.
Holding with full might won't guarantee successful grip,
Studying signs won't tell you all entailed.

The wind outside weeps tragedies too potent for words
So you bolt all the windows up tight.
Expectations tumble fast, music stays unstirred,
Yet somehow this failure feels alright.
#2
seems nice. but sometimes rhyming too much becomes annoying.
Guitars:
Gibson Les Paul Studio
Ibanez GSA60
Ibanez RG320FM
Jackson JS30

Amps:
Marshall MG Stack
Line 6 Flextone II

(\__/)
(='.'=) This is Bunny. Put him in your signature and help
(")_(") him on his way to world domination.
#3
A Closed Door

The broken toothed talkers have been laid to rest.
Watch the night pack its cases and run.
The extrovert has given up trying to impress
And the hunter has laid down his gun.

Ohhhh why do I love this ryming so much, I'll read more great verse

The poet's muse beckons him to an early grave
With oblivious glares and sealed lips.
My non-existent lover declines being one to save
What was left of my hopes with a kiss.

the 3rd line hurts the flow, maybe isn't one to save or something, it's just a little too wordy. Still good though, like teh muse lines

Conversations with ghosts become all that remains
In the snowstorms and hail which taunt.
The armies of yearning are battered down in vain,
Now their scars are all they have to flaunt.

USually by now I would have grown tired of this ABAB scheme but I really like this stanza

Nails carve deathly melodies down the walls of this pit
Whilst ships in the distance set sail.
Holding with full might won't guarantee successful grip,
Studying signs won't tell you all entailed.

Successful has too many sylables, and doesn't roll off the toungue correctly. Last Line needs clarity, change it. Good stuff though

The wind outside weeps tragedies too potent for words
So you bolt all the windows up tight.
Expectations tumble fast, music stays unstirred,
Yet somehow this failure feels alright.

well I think "just alright" is a bit anticlimatic, still a good stanza



Overall I really liked this, even with the common rhyme scheme. Although I would love if you could add in a chorus or bridge that could switch things up a it. Great stuff though man.

If you have time: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=402453
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
Last edited by Knife2aGunFight at Jul 28, 2006,
#4
Thanks for actually giving me a proper crit , much appreciated and will do same for you as soon as I get my lazy arse around to it.

This wasn't written with the intention of singing, though I have tried pickinga simple melody whilst singing to little avail.

In relation to your comment about clarity, that line needed serious filtering in order to not come off as a jumbled mess but anyway, glad you liked it and thanks again for the feedback.
#5
Now that I think about it all it need is
Studying signs won't tell you all THAT'S entailed.
and it'd be fine.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead