#1
In dreams you flaunt your insipid glamour
As if my decay were from lack of want.
I want to peel away your endless skin
And see if that stone enigma really beats within.
I envisioned my queen as an angel.
Her wings glimmered as if to whisper
Something that sounded like farewell.
I wish you?d been there on my roof when we would tell
The stories we?d make up when we were household names.
And then you?d put the brightest stars to shame,
And as they left the sky they?d wink
As if to say: ?Buddy, how did you think this was going to end??
Alone again, and when I watched you pretend.
My heart spilled out onto the tiled floor
With a last thump of finality, and then still forevermore.
Sleep, unfilled organ.

Hello, new all time low.
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#3
Wow. When I started reading this I didn't think it would be good for some reason but this is really pretty awesome. It's pretty deep but not so buried in metaphor that you can't understand it. The only thing I would question is that if this is meant to be put to music I can't quite picture how it would fit, but the writing is really good.
#4
This is really good, although the very beginning doesn't establish the flow as the following lines. It is really very good. The only part I didnt like was the unfilled organ line and the fact that the line As if to say was repeated twice. Maybe change those two and you gotta mighty fine poem here.

crit mine please, you seem like you'd understand it: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=402453
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#6
From start to finish this was an excellent song you wrote. I really enjoyed reading. It was a very beautiful song. You really outdid yourself this time.

Crit mine please

Heaven on Earth
#7
Greetings sir.

This one is in a similar vein to your recent pieces, but I personally didn't feel that it was so effective. Here, the occasional rhyme seemed to deliberate, and I find the darkness of the imagery was perhaps too over-the-top, and slightly plain.

However, it was certainly well-written, and my views are based on personal preference.
#8
yeah, but really good writing here man, wow, good job man, i ask everyone this: is this gonna be a song? i know you might not intend it to be but i think it might make a good one...

if you can crit back found myself is my latrst in sig
#9
Thanks a lot everyone, but I might not be able to return crits this time, I'm swamped with summer courses and ****.

This will not be put to music, as my compositions are always half-assed. And it's not meant for music either.
Last edited by s0nofabe4ch at Jul 31, 2006,