#1
Tra la la... and this is a really weird song, enjoy?
This song has now been re-written, I may still change some parts, but I'm much more satisfied with it now. Adding another verse and changing the second part to a pre-chorus worked out a lot better. Crit again if you feel like or for the first time. Thanx.

Verse:
I didn't do it, I swear!
My hands, they tried to kill me
Please be awear
They may want revenge
If you could care
Enough to maybe check that
The wounds that they wear
Have stopped them completely

Pre-chorus:
I nailed one to the wall
but the other
it freed it
I tried to cut them off
but did not
succeed it
If I could have your chainsaw
oh please sir!
I need it
I got one in the wrist
so maybe
I'll bleed it

Chorus:
Veins dry, fingers broken
Nails ripped out, wounds opened
Blood stained, but still choking
My throat, I'm hoping
Veins dry, please kill them!
Nails ripped out, and nails drove in
Blood stained, and gas soaking
One spark, they're burning

Verse:
Please sir, believe
It's not how it appears here
Listen to me
I'm not insane
My hands, conceive
Plans to kill me while I sleep
So the scars that you see
Are purely self defense

Pre-chorus:
I stabbed one with a knife
but the other
revolted
It took hold of my nose
and one twist
it's broken
If I could have your shotgun
to blow them
wide open
And watch as all the pieces
fly from
the end of the barrel of the GUN!

Chorus:
Veins dry, fingers broken
Nails ripped out, wounds opened
Blood stained, but still choking
My throat, I'm hoping
Veins dry, please kill them!
Nails ripped out, and nails drove in
Blood stained, and gas soaking
One spark, they're burning

Bridge:
"Insomniacal, sucide"
"Schizophrenic, homicide"
You wouldn't understand my side
I don't want to run and hide
No one will believe my side!
Really I don't want to die!
My wrists are scared I wont deny!
IT'S MY HANDS THAT WANT TO END MY LIFE!

Chorus:
Veins dry, fingers broken
Nails ripped out, wounds opened
Blood stained, but still choking
My throat, I'm hoping
Veins dry, please kill them!
Nails ripped out, and nails drove in
Blood stained, and gas soaking
One spark, they're burning

Comment? Crits? Mass confusion? Please post!
Last edited by PinkFloydSlave at Jul 31, 2006,
#2
if feel giving so here is a full crit

Verse:
I didn't do it, I swear!
My hands, they tried to kill me
Please be awear
They may want revenge
If you could care
Enough to maybe check that
The wounds that they wear
Have stopped them completely

very straight forward but cool idea there is a little bit of rhyming it there didn't even notice till the third time reading it so good job with that

I nailed one to the wall
but the other
it freed it
I tried to cut them off
but did not
succeed it
If I could have your chainsaw
oh please sir!
I need it
I got one in the wrist
so maybe
I'll bleed it

i like the structure you have there its cool
the verse its self isnt to strong but it goes along with the theme well
there are some part were the wording is strange

I tried to cut them off
but did not
succeed it
wouldn't it just be succeed

I got one in the wrist
so maybe
I'll bleed it
i just don't get this part at all

Chorus:
Veins dry, fingers broken
Nails ripped out, wounds open
Blood stained, but still choking
My throat, I'm hoping
Veins dry, please kill them!
Nails ripped out, and nails drove in
Blood stained, and gas soaking
One spark, they're burning

the rhyming here seems a little to fourced
the repeating of nails in this line
Nails ripped out, and nails drove in
dosen't really work because you are talking about two different types of nails


Verse:
I stabbed one with a knife
but the other
revolted
It took hold of my nose
and one twist
it's broken
If I could have your shotgun
to blow them
wide open
And watch as all the pieces
fly from
the end of the barrel of the GUN!

i think you should use a different structure you already said the same thing pretty much in the last verse but if you put another verse in right before this and made these 2 parts a prechours then i think it would work better that way

Chorus:
Veins dry, fingers broken
Nails ripped out, wounds open
Blood stained, but still choking
My throat, I'm hoping
Veins dry, please kill them!
Nails ripped out, and nails drove in
Blood stained, and gas soaking
One spark, they're burning

same as before

They're burning!
They're burning!
They're burning!
THEY BURN!!!

this part seems kind of weak and cliche

Chorus:
Veins dry, fingers broken
Nails ripped out, wounds open
Blood stained, but still choking
My throat, I'm hoping
Veins dry, please kill them!
Nails ripped out, and nails drove in
Blood stained, and gas soaking
One spark, they're burning

SAB

looking at profile this is the first song you've posted here so welcome to S&L
and if this your first song this is pretty good if not its still good
so yeah good job and welcome

here is mine if you would please crit https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=402900
#3
Thanx for the crit Frd_marshll. I was at a total loss on the second verse, I wanted to do another like the first but nothing came to mind at the moment. This is basically the first and only draft so I may do some re-writing. Thanx again for the advice!