#1
Here's a link to part one, just to clarify this one for you.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=392972

Thank you for reading.

The Rain-drop Scar (pt. II) - Constellation Punctuation


?Do you see what I see??
Said the shepherd boy to the little lamb.
A star, a star, shining?


I walked down the road, watching the stars,
As I do, and I saw each constellation
With such clarity for a moment.
The duration of that moment saw me
Floating above the trees, uncovering
Each star singularly.

Shining in the night?

I found myself lying on the frozen pavement
Once again, mere, no longer divine,
And I fell back onto the comfortable
Snow, the welcoming snow, with a doubtful
Song hanging in the air; a putrid song.
Mournful, perhaps, as adjectives will come
And go and lose meaning,
Just like the moment with the stars.

The night.

Where have you gone oh sweet punctuation?
For that one moment you appeared and
Each star had an individual meaning and
Individual phenotypes according to their
Individual genetic structure.
Each star played a part and the entire night
Sky had meaning.
The oxygen in the air was stirred
By the ominous dirge that crawled overtop
Of my all too vulnerable soul.
?Lament O creature of God,
for thou art but another slave of the fall.?
The dead march treads upon my mind.

Shining!

Elegiac, said he, for the last broken coming
Of my own lust will be tracked down and
Slaughtered ruthlessly as it moves like a sloth
In it?s own contagious apathy.
Homicide of my own fearful shortcomings
Will bring me higher than the clouds!
No more pursuing the dead limbs of petty trees.
I will immerse myself in the joyous golden liquid
Of Love, and leave any vultures behind;
No matter how much they tell me they need me.
I have re-tasted the divine and it no longer burns.
I will cherish my scar.
#2
Forgive me, I am doing this backwards. I haven't read Part I but this caught my eye and I felt compelled to comment upon it.

?Do you see what I see??
Said the shepherd boy to the little lamb.
A star, a star, shining?
I like the Biblical reference to start things off...you used Biblical references well throughout the entire piece

I walked down the road, watching the stars,
As I do, and I saw each constellation
With such clarity for a moment.
The duration of that moment saw me
Floating above the trees, uncovering
Each star singularly.
Great flow to this stanza. It started a bit plainly with the first line, but you redeemed yourself with the brilliance of the rest of the lines.

Shining in the night?

I found myself lying on the frozen pavement
Once again, mere, no longer divine,
And I fell back onto the comfortable
Snow, the welcoming snow, with a doubtful
Song hanging in the air; a putrid song.
Mournful, perhaps, as adjectives will come
And go and lose meaning,
Just like the moment with the stars.
Another strong stanza, you really paint a mental picture with this stanza, you make the reader feel as if they are there seeing what you are seeing. My only complaint is the word putrid may be a bit too strong of an adjective given the overall mood of this stanza.
The night.

Where have you gone oh sweet punctuation?
For that one moment you appeared and
Each star had an individual meaning and
Individual phenotypes according to their
Individual genetic structure.
Each star played a part and the entire night
Sky had meaning.
The oxygen in the air was stirred
By the ominous dirge that crawled overtop
Of my all too vulnerable soul.
?Lament O creature of God,
for thou art but another slave of the fall.?
The dead march treads upon my mind.
This is by far the most brilliant part of the entire piece. Nice use of the genetic structure and phenotype to describe how the stars all had a different role and part in the night sky. Again, the Biblical reference here is well chosen and fits in perfectly.
Shining!

Elegiac, said he, for the last broken coming
Of my own lust will be tracked down and
Slaughtered ruthlessly as it moves like a sloth
In it?s own contagious apathy.
Homicide of my own fearful shortcomings
Will bring me higher than the clouds!
No more pursuing the dead limbs of petty trees.
I will immerse myself in the joyous golden liquid
Of Love, and leave any vultures behind;
No matter how much they tell me they need me.
I have re-tasted the divine and it no longer burns.
I will cherish my scar.
You've finished this piece quite eloquently. Great piece. Damn.
#3
I have to be honest with you. This was a good damn piece. From the first line to the last stanza I was hooked in. I really liked the way you worded it all. Keep up the good work.

crit mine please

Serenade
#4
Alpha&Omega did the main work for this one, so I'll just add the comment that unless you have a specific purpose of the Christmas carol, I'd take it out. I think it might be more distracting than beneficial, at least it was to me. Just a thought though, even with it in there it's very well written.

Cheers,
- PunkFish
#5
Thanks all,

PunkFish, the carol is necessary to stick with the way I wrote part I and just the way I wanted them to turn out. Thank you for your input though, I can understand how it can be tedious and take away from the piece but at the same time it adds alot, in my eyes.