#1
This is the first song I've written and posted on UG. I do expect critizisim, so don't hesitate to flame it. It's a long story as to what it's about, but the gist of it is that my ex-girlfriend left me for my best friend, but still expected me to be in her life. Crit for crit, enjoy

"The Listener (Holy Antha)"

Ingraining their roots in my head
Draining my thoughts
Poisoned

Vines of terror lash out
Restraining me
Stunned

Yet a shadow arises
Out of the dark
Screaming

Screaming for me, wanting to hold
The precious soul

A winter ends, the bulb explodes
Into red and yellow
Blissful

But a moment of peril
And all is lost
Damnation

As her shadow arises
Out of the dark
Screaming

Screaming for me, wanting to hold
The precious soul

Blood lies on her knife, as she cries to the heavens
An insanity I cannot bear
Her wound spews lies, deceit, mistrust
A fire I cannot be near

Ingraining her roots in my head
Draining my thoughts
Poisoned

P.S The title is slightly crypric, as my ex-gf's name was Samantha. Greek meaning of antha= flower, Hebrew translation of Samantha is "The listener"
#2
Quote by Martini_0060
This had no replies so I decided to give you the privilage.

"The Listener (Holy Antha)"

Ingraining their roots in my head
Draining my thoughts
Poisoned

Vines of terror lash out
Restraining me
Stunned

By teh 2nd verse I am officially annoyed by this format. I like how you are extending the metaphor though

Yet a shadow arises
Out of the dark
Screaming

Screaming for me, wanting to hold
The precious soul

I realy friggin hate this format.

A winter ends, the bulb explodes
Into red and yellow
Blissful

I like this verse, use it somewhere you don't use this format in

But a moment of peril
And all is lost
Damnation

As her shadow arises
Out of the dark
Screaming

Screaming for me, wanting to hold
The precious soul

Blood lies on her knife, as she cries to the heavens
An insanity I cannot bear
Her wound spews lies, deceit, mistrust
A fire I cannot be near

So she stabbed herself? This verse is not bad

Ingraining her roots in my head
Draining my thoughts
Poisoned

P.S The title is slightly crypric, as my ex-gf's name was Samantha. Greek meaning of antha= flower, Hebrew translation of Samantha is "The listener"


In review never use that format again, it's more annoying than poorly used rhymes. It could be could if it didn't have all that crapola shoved in there

criot mine if you can https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=402453
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead